I can't keep up with my partner financially and it's extremely stressful. Advice needed. (M28, F26)

Submitted by Oatmealtuesdays t3_11embkf in relationship_advice

My SO and I have been together for a year and eight months and plan to live together this summer.

I don't make a lot of money but have saved quite a bit over time by good financial practices and budgeting.

He, on the other hand, makes about six figures and spends somewhat excessively, but nothing crazy.

I try my best to keep up and go out and do things to be social, but this winter has been particularly hard.

One of the most difficult hiccups is going to eat.

Often times, he will order the most expensive thing on the menu and I will order the cheapest.

Obviously, I want him to enjoy himself on a night out but it is really difficult when we go out and split the bill. I often end up veering towards an appetizer or the cheapest plate possible because I know what's coming. I am pretty small so typically just say I'm not that hungry when this situation arises.

There have been plenty of times where he's taken me out and covered the bill but it's not our standard.

Another hiccup is our ski trips.

The ski group is all of his work friends who make (I'm assuming) about the same.

There have been plenty of times when I've been brought to a last-minute ski trip and met with a 130 lift ticket and excessive lodging fee without having any real time to budget.

At this point, I've opted in to only ski half days or one day out of a whole weekend. If there is a town around, I will spend some time on my own exploring that while he skis.

He often offers to cover but I hate accepting that and would rather just do something else than have someone pay upwards of 100,200 dollars because I can't cover myself.

All of this, of course, is a personal issue and I need to stand firm on declining activities I can't afford.

​

What really hurts is the fact that he has called me cheap in the past when I have opted out of events.

He has no idea how much i make but I've already told him he makes significantly more than me and it's becoming very difficult to even cover what's needed for myself.

I also try to spend money on him for gifts and have gone over and out for Christmas, birthdays and little things in between, so it gutted me when he called me that.

I worry that if this doesn't get resolved it will be very difficult to live together or move forward with plans. I'm also constantly stressed out and feeling very removed physically and emotionally.

Any advice on how to lead an effective, polite conversation with him would be great.

TLDR: Feeling financially stressed by my partner.

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Missmoni2u t1_jaeuwvy wrote

This is a communication issue. You need to be transparent about your finances and what you are willing to spend money on.

If your income is a gray area, it's going to be incredibly difficult for him to accommodate you and your needs.

I think it's important for your future's sake to not hide things from him. Pretending you're not hungry is not an effective way to tell him that all of these outings are straining your budget.

With that said, you may want to look into why letting him cover you is so difficult and seek to find a compromise on this.

Maybe you don't go to as many ski trips, but you let him pay for most of your meals?

At the end of the day, you are a team and need to be able to effectively tackle this together. That can only happen if you're straightforward and honest with him.

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rokman t1_jaeuzp3 wrote

You have to start accepting his offers and perhaps communicating your financing and making requests before spending your money. good people who offer gifts don’t expect things in return, if you learn otherwise you’ll have to dump his ass sooner or later.

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forget-me-not-37 t1_jaew9mn wrote

You are a team and sometimes not everything is going to be clearly 50/50. What I do personally is calculate the difference in salary between my partner and I. I make 70% more so I’m paying 70% of the expenses.

What if your BF gets fired would you still force him to split everything or would you cover for him? Splitting everything doesn’t really make sense sometimes.

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BriefHorror t1_jaewpxi wrote

So there are two ways to handle this, both however require you to stick to your budget and stop agreeing to activities without knowing all costs upfront.

  1. You sit down with him and go over your income and how this spending is impacting you and if he still doesn't get it you leave

2)Skip step 1 and you leave the guy who clearly has next to no compassion for your situation, he calls you cheap and doesn't question anything? not a single can you afford this? or are you doing alright with money maybe I can cover more dinner or we can go to places we can both afford comfortably or hey here is this free thing to do.

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rokman t1_jaex3pf wrote

Replying to forget-me-not-37 (#2,132,008)

This is just because I work with math and finance and while you’re system is a good place to start it should consider your expendable money after income and normal living expenses, for example if all have 20K of expenses somebody who makes 30k has $10k to use and somebody who makes 40k has 20 to use so with this example it should be split 2/3 1/3 were your system would be 25/75

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RandChick t1_jaexsd0 wrote

It doesn't make sense for you to turn down his offer to pay for you.

Nor should you try to keep up with anyone. You should live within your budget.

I don't understand your way of thinking at all.

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Independent-Fig-4595 t1_jaeyo3y wrote

Communicate with him. Tell him your actual income and left over amount you have for disposable income after all your expenses are paid. Stop turning down his offers. He wants to spend time with you and share experiences for you, you declining is silly, he has the money and he wants to spend it on/with you. You're being overly proud and hurting yourself, your relationship and your partner as a result.

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ContentedRecluse t1_jaezfs2 wrote

I have never split bills with dates. I ask for a separate bill when I order, that way I only pay for what I order. Before I tell the wait staff what I will eat, I say "mine will be on a separate check". You need to speak up in the beginning.

Sometimes I go out with friends or family just to spend time with them at a restaurant I don't like and will just order fries, soup, or side salad. I don't like to waste money on food I don't like. Everyone I eat with will say separate check or the two of us are on one check. It isn't a big deal at all. Restaurants and bars are used to it.

You need to tell your BF how much you make, why keep it a secret? He may have no idea that you are struggling.

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BraveAccident738 t1_jaf4yut wrote

You guys need to talk to one another. I understand splitting costs, but he must see and know the differences in your incomes and I think it is not very nice to put you in a difficult position. Can I ask why you don’t like to accept his generosity for the ski trip? I live in NE and skiing is super expensive. If it is his idea, why don’t you accept his gift to go and pay for you.

And I would have a hard time with my partner eating surf and turf and I was having a salad and counting my pennies for example. When I was dating and in a relationship, we didn’t keep count, we took turns, he gifted, I gifted. Have you guys always split everything and whose idea is it?

Being in a committed relationship is great but you both need to learn to share your combined wealth in participating in life together. You don’t need to feel ostracized due to money. I think you should feel more comfortable with accepting from him as your partner to treat you to dinner and go skiing if it is his ideal. You need to think that going forward as you make more you can return the favor. Why do you always need to split the bill?

He shouldn’t be calling you cheap, you are frugal. It is good to be frugal and he may need to learn better saving plans and you can help him. A partnership is sharing sometimes our money, our time, or our skills. Maybe come to a mutual decision that if he wants you to participate in expensive trips, etc than he needs to fund them and you need to be accepting of this. It’s good to find a common ground on a issue such as finances. You could also look into making a shared fund that both of you can contribute to for activities and dates, based the sharing on your income.

You need to resolve this issue prior to moving in together as in relations to shared expenses or this could become a continued issue in your relationship.

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