I can't tell if my (f20) boyfriend (m26) thinks I'm not worth the effort, is just cheap, or both.

Submitted by Legitimate-Line5849 t3_11ei6ug in relationship_advice

My (F20) boyfriend (M26) of 3 months wants to propose and get married around April. I was hesitant a bit at first because of the timing; but was open to discussing it and wanted to compromise on at least waiting until the end of the year. The problem is he doesn't want an extravagant wedding, and while I don't either, I do want some effort & planning to go into it.

The first problem with this whole situation is the dress, he doesn't want to spend a lot of money on the whole thing so at first he was looking at dresses from Macy's and I guess that was too expensive so...he started to look and suggest dresses from SHEIN. Really? So, I offered to at least pay for my own dress at that point. Then, for the venue/after-party he again wanted to keep it cheap, so he suggested we do it at a $15-20 buffet or at one of his relatives house. Then for the location itself, I wanted something decent like a small wedding on a beach, but he was telling me how the things like chairs for the guest would cost more money?

I kind of can't take this anymore because prior to this, I had to basically beg for him to make more time for date nights when the whole entire time we've known each other, we've only been on two casual dinner dates. For Valentines day, he didn't get me anything, neither for my birthday but that I can understand, because we were still getting to know each other around that time but, still.

I don't know if I'll be making the right decision on breaking-up with him because, physically I'm attracted, he's a good person otherwise, and seems more serious than most guys but at the same time I don't know if I can live a life of only being worth a buck or two to my partner either.

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XxQueenOfSwordsXx t1_jae7yl7 wrote

Red flags allll over.

You’ve known this person for 90 days- are you really willing to commit to spending the next 20-30 years begging him to spend more time with you, fighting over money, not getting any gifts on holidays?

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SmileSong t1_jaebro1 wrote

Shein wedding dress 😭😭but I’m just wondering why he’s so insistent on marrying. What’s happening in April that he must be married by then? And why are you okay with it at 20 years old after only 3 months. You’re literally still a child

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michuru809 t1_jae5vpq wrote

What you see now is the trial period- it's the best it'll ever be.

At 20 years old- you're excited about staying out past midnight and getting to eat candy for breakfast. You're finally an adult and get to do adult things, so why do you want to clip your wings so young? Why wouldn't you enjoy your freedom and all things that being unattached has to offer?

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DplusLplusKplusM t1_jae64op wrote

You're 20 and you've been dating this guy you're physically (but apparently not emotionally) attracted to for roughly 90 days. Ask yourself if you think it would be a good investment to spend a lot of money getting married under these circumstances. If you see the chance for a real relationship here you should tell him that when you're 25 and you've been together for at least a few years that would be the time to talk about getting married. Of course he doesn't want to go into debt staging a wedding for a marriage that's certain to end in divorce.

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Legitimate-Line5849 OP t1_jae78ky wrote

>Of course he doesn't want to go into debt staging a wedding for a marriage that's certain to end in divorce.

I don't get that though because he was the one who was so adamant about getting married two months in, brought it up first and kept pressuring me to agree It'd be in April and even said summer would be too far. I was thinking if he's that into me, and seeing himself married to me after two months, he'd at least want to put some effort in as well.

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GuvnaBruce t1_jaeam1t wrote

If you were to express to him that you are not ready and want to wait a few years, how would he react?

If it is badly, then it seems he might be trying to marry you to make it harder for you to leave once you find out how controlling/abusive he is. Really no one should be getting married after knowing someone for 3 months.

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neetraa t1_jaeb1cx wrote

He just thinks you're hella easy. You've known him for literally months. Your relationship is less established than most highschool flings. Why would you marry him?

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iNeedScissorsSixty7 t1_jaenidx wrote

I refuse to believe this is real. I need to stop reading this sub, man.

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Trouble_in_Mind t1_jaekj4d wrote

WHOA WHOA WHOA - Absolutely NOT, OP. Marrying a man you've dated for only 3 months? And he wants it to happen 2 months from now?!

That's not normal at ALL.

You've only had 2 "real" dates, you don't even know him yet. Not really. OP, break up with him. What he's suggesting is not healthy, you two do not know each other well enough to actually think you'll be happy for life with him, and as someone else in her 20s...you are honestly too young to get roped into a marriage where you are considered worthless.

A $15 buffet is all you're worth (to him). Honestly, probably less because I bet he'd say you shouldn't throw a wedding at all if he thought he could get you to agree to marry him with just a few witnesses and the paperwork.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

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facinationstreet t1_jaes0wv wrote

The first problem with this whole situation is the dress

Actually, the first problem is that you've only been together for 3 months and you're already marrying him? You don't even know him. It hasn't occurred to you to just .... date him?

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DannyxHardcore t1_jaeie0b wrote

Who in the right fucking mind tries to propose in 3 months? What a psychopath.

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_jae885u wrote

Pump the brakes. It hasn't been more than a few months. Red flags are flying today!!

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HatsAndTopcoats t1_jaemup9 wrote

Pretty sure what's happening here is that he just wants to be married for some reason, which is why he asked someone he barely knows and doesn't want to put any money or effort into the wedding.

He's not going to put any more effort into the marriage, either. This is not a real thing, this is him checking off a box.

You say he's a good person but you don't know who he really is. In part because you just met him and in part because he's been trying to convince you to marry him. (And even then he couldn't be bothered to get you a Valentine's Day gift? This is him at his best, dude.)

He's not trying to get citizenship, is he? That's just the most obvious ulterior motive for going through the motions of a wedding.

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broxsie t1_jaemh02 wrote

3 months????? No. Just no.

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StellarManatee t1_jaeng8r wrote

What's the rush? Like you're already arguing the details so why rush things? If the relationship is strong and healthy, marriage can wait a year or two while you save up for a life together.

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Biauralbeats t1_jaem21n wrote

no red flags here

bf of 3 months....

nope, nothing to see here, move along, move along

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SnooWords4839 t1_jaeptxm wrote

3 months is way too soon to get married!! Please run!

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Murky_Anxiety4884 t1_jaed9i3 wrote

>I don't know if I can live a life of only being worth a buck or two to my partner either.

I hope you don't think he has to buy you. If you're going to be married, the two of you need to start thinking about where your pooled resources will do the most good.

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