After a 2yr relationship my gf (26F) tells me she has feelings for another dude… so I (27M) am very confused.

Submitted by ThrowRA537153 t3_11e96ix in relationship_advice

Hi, I (27M) currently find myself in a peculiar situation I couldn’t have foreseen: my gf (26F) has told me that she has feelings for another man and she still feels everything in a meaningful and truthful way in what regards to me and our relationship. We have healthy communication and honestly, this is a first: we never dealt with a situation in past relationships where either of us had feelings for multiple people at once and, in fact, the thought of polyamory was a rather unknown and confusion concept for the two us.

However, now she’s told me about this and that she’s terrified of it (quite frankly, so am I because I am not poly at all nor do I think I can actually manage feelings for multiple people). She’s been working through it, journalling, talking to a therapist, talking to family and friends about it… and talking to me, of course. But yeah, I am as confused (if not more) as her here and I realised that perhaps I never gave much thought to this of “oh maybe theres other ways to a relationship other than the ordinary 1+1=1Couple monogamous thing.”

Truth is too, this wouldn’t even become a polyamory thing because I am not interested at all in getting to know this person, nor do I trust him… because all in all I do feel conflicted, stressed, confusion, betrayed? and overall overwhelmed by this new situation. So I guess, if this moves forwards it would be a girl with two guys that don’t interact nor find interest in one another…

Is monogamy an imperative concept linked to loyalty or is it possible to have feelings for more than one person at the same time and still be loyal? - Man, I’m confused, but open minded and ready for different points of view..thoughts?

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Gosc101 t1_jactw83 wrote

It can be possible if all sides are polyamorous. Pursuing other people when in relationship with monogamous person is just cheating.

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pearlofwine t1_jacv53u wrote

This is weird. Its normal to have a crush outside of your relationship. It's not healthy to act on it or to emotionally invest in this crush. You made a commitment to be with each other and she's emotionally violating that whilst assuaging her guilt with radical honesty with you.

This is no good in my eyes and reeks of disrespect.

You wanna fuck this guy? Fine go ahead we're done, you just threw away the last 2 years for a casual fling, hope you enjoy it and will be able to handle me completely ignoring your attempts to restart us when it comes crashing down.

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HarveySnake t1_jacw515 wrote

Monogamy is imperative when the relationship started that way and 1 person still wants it. It's a hill worth dying on. You are well within your rights to basically say, "if you pursue a romantic or sexual relationship, emotionally or physically with anyone else, I will consider you to be a cheater and this relationship will be over!"

There are "ethical non-monogamous" relationships (like polyamory) out there but those only work when everyone wants it, everyone will benefit emotionally and physically and in all other ways from it, otherwise this is a nightmare in the making. If you cannot see yourself pursuing sexual or romantic relationships with other women, while in a relationship with your gf, and be supportive and happy with your gf while she dates and fucks other guys, then you should absolutely die on this hill.

Do not go there. You clearly don't want it.

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The_bookworm65 t1_jacy3fw wrote

As you are not interested in being with anyone else, are you willing to have half a girlfriend. Yes, she can love you both. But there are only 24 hours in each day. Personally, I’d say we aren’t compatible and be done. In a monogamous relationship when you start to feel something towards someone else, you avoid them and focus on your partner until your feelings for your partner are strong again. Find someone that wants and treasures you and only you.

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Red_Crane_lives t1_jadcpb6 wrote

Sounds like she wants to see how things go with him, while keeping you around as security and comfort. If things go well between them, don’t be shocked to be eventually shut out. Dont be someone’s back up plan. You deserve to be the focus of your partner, not a side piece.

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