Living an absurd life

Yesterday after listening to a one of my favourite podcast called (philosophize this) new podcast episode called the fall which is a book written by Albert Camus which I read just after listening to the podcast a thought struck my mind.The main character of the book Jean-Baptiste Clamence had a fall in his life which is you can say (I am having a bad time in my life) but on extreme level.Clemence was actually living a fake life - like showing how he cares for people but actually he hates them and just to show how a good man he is but he knows he is not .And the day comes when he isn't able to put on that good face for long after someone abused him when he helped that person.Now the thought that came my mind was I behave like Clemence too . Everyday I put on that happy face and meet with people when I actually hate them . Should I not hate them . Well after reading The genealogy of morality by Friedrich Nietzsche I learnt that we should analyse these feelings ( hate ,envy,power) and see are they really bad feeling.Nietzsche says not they are not bad but helpful.Example(Envy can help you to be competitive if someone is having more marks than you in class ). But I am confused now .If i start to hate everyone I know I will have a fall too like Clemence.John rawls in his books says about the veil of ignorance.Imagine a world where If you are born anywhere by the accident of birth you won't hate that place.An ideal world.But that isn't the reality and I don't think so this type of world is possible.I hate my life cause I cannot do what I want to do.I want to become a philosopher,get a philosopher degree, write books which can help at least a soul(or me).At least I want to become a bookstore manager.My Ideal life would be something like this - I would go to my bookstore and spend my day reading books(If I am not able to become a philosopher this is my ideal life.)But here I am chasing for Government job in India cause I am poor .I can't even buy books all the books i have read are from PDF of the books available on internet .I think so this accident of being born has sent me some wrong place . After reading about the stimulation hypothesis i.e this world is a stimulation I think the programmers of the stimulation has done a bad job.Are these programmers conducting an experiment.What do they want from us.Do they want to see how a human suffers.Or how he recovers from that suffering.Oh this world is too absurd.I read Nausea by Satre and I felt really good that someone other than me understands this absurdity.I feel nausea all the time now (like what the fuck is a pile of flesh with consciousness is moving his hand over a bright screen of glass .What am i doing.Why i have to do it this way) Maybe it's all the fault of the programmers who made this world this way.Any way it's 4:30 am in the morning and I have to get ready for the life I hate.