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ProudKingbooker t1_jdwvj9n wrote

Reply to comment by maniacleruler in Paradoxically, what makes you unique is your relation to other people. The more robustly we try to identify who we are, the more we become embedded in all others. by IAI_Admin

And that is really the best way of seeing it.

We're like canvasses and the people in our lives come in and paint on us, make us who we are.

Some people paint over each other and others are obscured under this paint. But they stay there, under all the layers, making us who we are, even if it's under the surface.

Others are the primary colors, such as family and other loved ones.

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maniacleruler t1_jdx2djq wrote

Someone who I can say I loved unconditionally passed away. Lately I feel them in my every expression. Maybe it’s my subconscious mind doing it intentionally but it does bring me some sort of comfort.

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ProudKingbooker t1_jdx37dk wrote

Exactly.

The people we love change us. When they leave, they don't really leave as the live within us through the actions and quirks that we pick up from them.

I think it's a beautiful thing and something to be embraced. I hope everything goes well for you.

I'm sending hugs your way!

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throwaway901617 t1_jdxr4k6 wrote

There's a profound point here that people are afraid of being forgotten, yet by this very analogy if we are largely the result of those we interact with "painting" us then there must exist an unbroken line of "paintings" back to the earliest social life forms.

Our.parents were "painted" by their loved ones including their parents, and the "paint" that they used in turn came from their own parents and friends, and so on.

So society in a sense is the buildup of "paint" across the ages creating certain patterns.

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BenjaminHamnett t1_je21c5r wrote

But then it goes back to what the other commenter said about the environment inducing thoughts

What we learn from others is mimetic. One definition of culture is simply how people adjust to fit their environments. So being “painted” is really imitating what we feel other people are doing right.

I feel very much like a vessel of memes and behaviors I adopted from other people who figured things out. Unfortunately I have a lot of junk wiring from society indoctrinating me in bullshit I can deconstruct with reason, but then you forget and drift back toward convention

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redditingtonviking t1_jdy33tu wrote

Yeah I lost a dear friend of mine 12 years ago. He was the kindest person I’ve ever met with a silly sense of humour that could brighten even the darkest times. Now I can never be as good as him in every aspect as I also have to be myself and do the things that make me me. However he changed me as a person both in life and death, and now I find people often saying that I’m the one that’s kind with silly sense of humour. And that feeling of knowing that to some I’m that kind of friend that he used to be for me, I must admit that has helped me getting over that loss.

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Quantum_Kitties t1_je0qm0r wrote

A year ago I lost someone whom I love very deeply. Your words made me tear up a little. <3

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topBunk87 t1_je5lnlc wrote

I really recommend Douglas Hofstadter's "I am a Strange Loop" (which is a quasi follow up to Godel, Escher, Bach). There is a section where he discussing how he handles the sudden passing of his wife, from a naturalistic view.

In his view (and my), who we are is the result of patterns in the brain. While this may seem rather unromantic and bleak, there is some comfort in it. As these patterns are formed through experience, the more shared experiences one has with another, the more someone understands another, the more those two people meld together. So if one of those persons passes on, much of their identiy, personality, and (really) self continues on in the other. To quote Hofstadter in the book:

"Along with Carol's desires, hopes and so on, her own personal sense of "I" is represented in my brain. Because I was so close to her, because I empathized so deeply with her, co-felt so many things with her, was so able to see things from inside her point of view when she spoke, whether it was her greatest joys or fondest hopes. Carol survives because her point of view survives...in my brain and those of others."

When we share stories and memories of lost loved ones, we aren't simply remembering them, we are breathing life into their very essence.

Very sorry for your loss. I hope maybe you can find some comfort in this.

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jetoler t1_jdz3h9a wrote

I think it’s 2 halves coming together. People and your environment shapes you, but also I believe there’s an unchanging core to everyone too.

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Mustelafan t1_je18i8s wrote

Am I the only one on this subreddit with an actual self-directed sense of identity? I can take inspiration here and there, sure, but ultimately the only one that paints on my canvas is me.

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