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Thot_P0cket t1_je6la1h wrote

> “I know city officials say the tap water is safe, but Gritty kept on holding up an ice skate and trying to slit his own throat. They’ve got him on oxygen and an IV drip now, but I’m definitely sticking to bottled water from here on out.”

Lmao

216

SanjiSasuke t1_je71mr1 wrote

It's called molting and it's very normal.

127

Indiana_Jawns t1_je77shl wrote

Where do they think Gritty came from if not for a chemical spill in the Delaware?

123

1solate t1_je7yaro wrote

I always assumed he was unearthed when they tore down the Spectrum.

34

MyMartianRomance t1_je8858m wrote

The official backstory is he was found when they remodeled Wells Fargo.

30

imanAholebutimfunny t1_jeammav wrote

A combined accumulated amount of semen that was flushed down the toilets of Philadelphia and storm drains to create the ultimate Philly Mascot

1

dzhastin t1_je7ew80 wrote

“At press time, Philadelphia residents were seen hurling batteries at Gritty to put the mascot out of his misery.”

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VinoMaker65 t1_je6ro1f wrote

Mutant Gritty coming for your soda. He took a bath in the Delaware.

25

TaikoNerd t1_je6rmw6 wrote

What is it with The Onion and the word "horrifying"? I feel like they use that word all the time...

18

JIMMYJAWN t1_je82pzu wrote

Gritty needs to stop fucking with that tranq

17

mundotaku t1_je77tvo wrote

Gritty without hair is just the purple mascot of Mc Donald's.

10

Civil_Peak t1_je8c3an wrote

I just thought Gritty was trying a new look. Girls love them bald guys.

3

KenzoWap t1_je8zpsf wrote

Gritty is corny.

−9

NoREEEEEEtilBrooklyn t1_je7oggi wrote

I’m ready for the downvotes, so here’s my opinion: Gritty is the reason the Flyers suck.

The Flyers have missed the playoffs 4 out of the 5 seasons Gritty has been around. In the 50 seasons prior, the Flyers missed the playoffs 11 times. So they went from making the playoffs ~80% of the time to missing them 80% of the time after the fat, orange, Scott Hartnell-esqe freak was introduced.

Fire Gritty and save the Flyers.

−27