Dependent soon to be mother in law

Submitted by bryceisafishstik t3_z8dmyt in personalfinance

Hi everyone, sorry if this is the wrong place to post this but I thought I’d start somewhere.

The situation is that I live in Hawaii and my future wife is moving from Florida to Hawaii to be with me. Her mother is not capable of living independently but is only 64. She is a Florida resident as well. Currently, my fiancé spends about 80% of her free time taking care of her mother who lives in her own apartment but doesn’t have a job, can’t drive, can’t go to the grocery store, and otherwise is burning through her savings. It’s causing severe emotional strain on her. My fiancé and I together are in a good financial situation currently, and could probably help to subsidize some of her living so that she doesn’t end up homeless.

We’re trying to figure out what to do with her. We don’t want her to move in with us in Hawaii. We also don’t want her to live in an apartment by herself in Hawaii (that we would probably pay over half for given she would only get some social security when she turns 65) because my fiancé cannot emotionally handle being her caretaker anymore. Assisted living facilities are probably way too far out of our budget. Is there some way to get her into subsidized living either in Hawaii or somewhere west coast for low income individuals? Would her only option for something like this be in Florida since that’s where she is a resident? Any advice on how to sort out this difficult situation would be appreciated.

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27Believe t1_iyb42z0 wrote

Why can’t she do any of these things ? And even if you got her into low income housing, she still has to go to the grocery store and get around so can she walk places or take a bus? Lists are long for these places. She’s not even a resident of those states … What the heck is going on ?

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bryceisafishstik OP t1_iyb9i8b wrote

I replied below but really she needs to go somewhere where someone else can take care of her. I’m trying to figure out what kind of options someone who has no income and no ability to take care of herself has

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bros402 t1_iybec6j wrote

Talk to your wife - does she want her mother to stay in Florida, or to move to Hawaii?

Then based on that, talk to the county office of aging in that county. See the services that are offered. Has MIL started to collect social security?

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Momofboog t1_iyb7spb wrote

What is causing the inability to do these things? Is it dementia or some other medical issue?

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bryceisafishstik OP t1_iyb964b wrote

She has really bad mental health problems and also some kind of undiagnosed gastritis that has put her in and out of the hospital. Doctors haven’t been able to figure it out either. She doesn’t have cancer somehow considering she has abused alcohol and nicotine most of her life. She keeps vaping which I think is the main reason she keeps having her stomach issues. Also she has been admitted to mental health institutions a bunch of times and always says the right things to get out and get the psychiatrist to deem her not a risk.

She’s basically content to sit in her apartment and watch tv and order food (if she can even eat due to the stomach problems). She has difficulty even paying her bills on time because she just tells us “I’ll get to it later, I’m too tired today”. If my fiancé and I did not exist she would probably waste away in her apartment until she ran out of money. That’s why I’m trying to figure out somewhere she can go where someone can take care of her, which I know is not typical because she isn’t like old and demented. She is just totally dependent

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Momofboog t1_iybcqbk wrote

She sounds a lot like my mother. We moved her into an assisted living facility that doles out her medication. She suffers from EXTREME paranoia when her medication is not calibrated precisely so the assisted living has been a major stabilizing force. It is very expensive - around $4200 per month. She’s got some assets that she is burning through, but there will come a time where I will be in the position of having to pay for her or explore Medicaid.

Is your future MIL on Medicaid? (Not Medicare…)

Does she have a social worker?

Another resource is r/agingparents

Here’s a link to some of what Medicaid covers

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bryceisafishstik OP t1_iybs70e wrote

How would I get her a social worker? Also she’s not on Medicaid yet, we were going to get her to apply for that this week

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Momofboog t1_iybu3up wrote

I would reach out to the local chapter of the Florida’s department of elder affairs and see if they can connect you with a social worker. The trouble we had a lot of the time was that my mom would be appointed a social worker who was employed within the hospital ER and their job would be to ensure she got referred and moved to the psych hospital… and then at the psych hospital one that seemed to just give out pamphlets and let her know about intensive outpatient group therapy and try to get her out… I would be like JESUS IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN JUST MAKE HER TAKE MEDS?

so the ones you encounter in crisis mode typically are employed by the institutions and have very short term purviews. So I think going to the council on aging may be able to help more broadly with housing and Medicaid applications.

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27Believe t1_iybfxuo wrote

that’s a hell of a mess. I hope for your sake she does not come to live with you.

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Momofboog t1_iybuhcc wrote

Yeah when my mom went to my brothers house one night and he woke up in the middle of the night to see her crouching in front of the door in a protective stance with a knife… I knew I had made the right (but difficult) choice not to allow my mom to stay at my home even in times of crisis. I have a 5 year old that I want to protect and I do not want to scare….

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ChiSquare1963 t1_iybamaa wrote

When I was looking into assisted living for my mother, they all said that if she or her husband were veterans, the VA might help pay for assisted living.

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