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aannoonn2021 t1_jboyibi wrote

Just chiming in as a parent in a transracial adoption. I'm Hispanic, my husband is white and our son is Black. There is a huge learning curve. Loving your child does not mean that you don't make mistakes and for parents who adopt Black children, those mistakes can perpetuate racism.

The example he gives in the article has to do with hair and braiding. Hair is incredibly important in Black culture. Honestly, I had no idea what that meant before our son came to us. I had to learn.

Society already does a GREAT job of portraying Black boys and men as thugs. I would never use that word towards my son. My job is to build him up so that he can withstand all the knocks the world will give him.

As an adoptive parent his words do not come across as a lack of gratitude. When we know better, we do better.

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Bender3455 t1_jbqb2g4 wrote

His words come across as not understanding what his parents were trying to say. I give success advice and the 2 things that are (initially) important are how you dress and how you speak. Just as dreads were not a professional look 20 years ago, neither were mohawks or women with buzzed heads on any race. Nowadays, the hairstyles of people have become less criticized (thankfully), but the two points remain; dress well and speak well.

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blackeyedsusan25 t1_jbqeg82 wrote

Well said, Bender3455 :)

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Loose_Consequence_26 t1_jbqhnnb wrote

Not well said at all. Just really doubled down on the double standard.

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Bender3455 t1_jbqjsek wrote

There's no double standard. I put the same standard on anyone: dress well and speak well.

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Loose_Consequence_26 t1_jbql19q wrote

The double standard comes from dressing well means conforming to things your hair isn’t capable of naturally.

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Bender3455 t1_jbqm3rc wrote

Ah, gotcha. I actually don't believe that to be true, personally, as far as what "dressing well" entails. Heck, when I was growing up, it felt like my thick hair only wanted to do one thing; look like a 70's porno commercial. Back on topic though, as a black man, there's certain styles that look more professional than other styles. Same with white men, or any other race. Fortunately, hair style is getting less 'taboo' and we can focus more on other outward justifiers. But, 20 years ago, the standards were more strict, and that was for everyone, including me.

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Loose_Consequence_26 t1_jbqnbbb wrote

So the problem with what you keep banging your head against is the definition of what is acceptable as a black man was not determined by black hair. It was a deliberate strategy to force you into a more white mold. And even the more strict requirements back in the day were often more strict for black people. Any job where hair length was an issue when your hair grows out rather then down often meant your were subjected to random definitions of to long was. Your manger changes and they declare your hair which was fine on Friday is now unkempt on Monday. HR wouldn’t back you. It’s why even today as you seem to think standards are less there os legislation being passed to protect said hairstyles.

What you want to believe isn’t backed by reality.

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Bender3455 t1_jbqq5dg wrote

What I believe is backed by a Master's Degree, 2 successful businesses, recognition as a local leader and advisor in the community, as well as my upbringing in a lower middle class family, going to school in an inner city magnet school, and my personal findings on how to create personal success.

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Loose_Consequence_26 t1_jbqqi4y wrote

All while not having to do it with black hair. And all the baggage that come with it.

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Bender3455 t1_jbqsy7y wrote

Every single person on the planet has their own struggles, their own battles, their own disadvantages to overcome. While I do not have black skin, I had to deal with my own struggles getting to where I am. I don't downplay other people's struggles, perhaps you should do the same.

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Loose_Consequence_26 t1_jbqt99s wrote

Maybe you should take your own words to heart. This whole time your downplaying Colin’s struggles.

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Bender3455 t1_jbqwcct wrote

Colin had his own set of struggles, but he doesn't get to blame his parents for them, not for what he mentioned at least. He's been way more privileged than either me or you.

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Loose_Consequence_26 t1_jbqwxgw wrote

He doesn’t get to state the struggles directly caused by his parents actions? In what way does that make sense? Just because he’s had more opportunities doesn’t mean they haven’t come with their own set of additional struggles. I can speak up against police brutality and frankly no one gives a damn. Man made his own demonstration and got vilified. Not sure I want his opportunities despite our somewhat similar struggles in early life.

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monogreenforthewin t1_jcfggn4 wrote

> state the struggles directly caused by his parents actions

lol bro you have a weird sense of struggle. parents telling their kids to get a haircut and dress better is a just parent thing. Kap didn't grow up poor, unloved or uneducated. If i tried to rock a Mohawk, my mom and dad would also give me shit and tell me to get a haircut. that's not struggle or oppression that's parenting.

He wants to advocate for better pay, better education and reductions in police violence for struggling black people or other minorities? cool im all for it. but calling his parents racist because they told him to get a haircut is just ungrateful nonsense and detracts from actual important messages he could be working on

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ohnoshebettadont18 t1_jc3t4vo wrote

you're just not identifying your own racism.

explain why any hairstyle that's as profoundly bound to black and african culture as cornrows (a style dating back as far as 3000bc in the horn and west coasts of africa) is "unprofessional"

many of these standards of approval for sake of "professionalism" are just thinly cloaked racism.

it's a very standard hairstyle for black and african people. there's nothing "unprofesional" about it.

to say otherwise, let alone associating it with looking like a "thug," is absolutely racist.

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Loose_Consequence_26 t1_jbqhlam wrote

The problem is 20 years ago white folks could wear the same hairstyles and not be viewed as unprofessional just coming back from vacation. There were also many other black hairstyles that were seen unprofessional. You pretty much had low and tight if you were a guy, or straightened as a woman.

His parents may have been trying to teach a lesson, but they taught the wrong one.

Souce: half black half white guy who heard similar things from their white mother. Little older then Colin.

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Bender3455 t1_jbqjgyb wrote

I appreciate your input, but I disagree on one thing you mentioned: "His parents may have been trying to teach a lesson, but they taught the wrong one." I'm speculating slightly (based on what was written) that his parents were trying to teach him to not "look like a thug" (quoting them), and while the definition behind that has changed, it's still something that I believe is correct to teach, regardless of race. Cindi Lauper in the 80's (white girl) would buzz one side of her hair, and that was considered taboo at the time. But let's go back to your statement that I quoted; what lesson do you believe the parents should have been teaching instead?

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Loose_Consequence_26 t1_jbqkx9h wrote

Thug hasn’t changed. Any thing outside what I stated had negative connotations to it. Large Afros are often seen as aggressive and militant. Afro puffs childish. You can pick any historical black hairstyle and there have been negative associations with it.

As for what they should have been teaching him. One educate themselves first. Realize their bias. As for teaching, be yourself. End of day he was a child and it was his hair. Hair is one of the few things children actually have some control of in their lives and they should be allowed to express themselves. My self perception got immeasurably better when the barber kicked my mom out of my haircuts.

And to be fair bias is not a white or black thing. I got it from both sides. One of my teachers great educator helped drive and foster my love of technology. Also once said it’s to bad I didn’t get that good hair from your momma. She didn’t mean anything negative by it. At that time straighter hair was still seen as an overall positive in the black community.

His parents isolating from his culture casually would have had impact. Intentional or not.

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Important-Ad-2242 t1_jcgmvi3 wrote

It’s different for a couple reasons, they’re his parents and when he expressed a desire to have a ethnic style associated w black people they should have honored that- and at a minimum not used what’s known as a racial slur in association with his desire to have that style

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morosco t1_jbqgs5l wrote

What's the line between "we have a lot to learn and make mistakes" to just being bad and racist as you seem to suggest his parents were.

I think a lot of people would like to learn more, would like to hurt less, would like to help more, but there's such a desire in society to just drunk on people and brand them as something bad so venturing out in that towards kind of thing is just super risky.

Or is the lesson here that adoptive parents should stick with their own race so their mistakes, whether reasonable or not, don't harm the kids, and don't involve the parents being forever labeled as racists decades later.

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