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JadedMage t1_j4nliov wrote

Wow, just wow....did you ever follow up with the girl? Did she call you?

I never really understood depression, but your words made it so much easier to understand.

It was interesting how she linked all those deaths together.

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ObjectiveOne3868 t1_j4nxpgj wrote

It is very complicated. And quite frankly, a lot of people don't want to die. Not really. They're terrified of dying. But depression is EXCRUTIATINGLY painful. Psychologically and emotionally. And there (especially when you're in it) never seems to be an easy fix. You have a headache? You take Tylenol, Motrin, Aleve, Advil, etc. It helps. The pain eases if not goes away entirely.

I struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Contemplated suicide more times than I would like to admit. If you're interested, I'd be more than happy to explain what's so complicated and confusing when it comes to going through depression. You don't love your family or friends any less. And you do eventually get to the point where you start hating yourself, feeding yourself lies that you believe are true, wonder what's wrong with you and just fall into the downward spiral. I've pulled a lot of people out of some of their deepest times, not understanding what's going on and feeling alone while I was in agony myself.

It helps as much as people don't want to, to talk about it. But it can be easier and more helpful to talk to someone who you can relate to. Who you're willing to let in and just listen. To see that you are heard, that you aren't alone and that you don't feel like people are diminishing your struggle because (you just need to get over it"

As hell as it is and the struggle of it, you try to force yourself to get through one day at a time. The nights are the hardest. Although getting out of bed is a struggle, agony comes at night when all is quiet, your tired after a long exhausting day, you're alone and you're mental fortitude is diminishing from the day.

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Super-sleeper t1_j4p5mx3 wrote

All of this.... Yup. For me, at my lowest, my thoughts weren't 'i want to die', but more of an 'i don't know how I can continue living' or 'i can't spend the rest of my life like this' kind of thought. For me, sometimes it's a pain or a sadness, but most of the time it's a complete lack of all feelings, which I find worse than the sadness. Feeling nothing also means never feeling anything good again, and then I'm stuck in a 'what's the point of doing anything ever' mindset where I literally cannot make myself care about anything or feel anything.

I know depression and anxiety is different for everyone, and everyone has their own unique life, but the battle with your own thoughts, that's a universal reality for anyone with depression and anxiety.... between what's realistic and the lies, between honoring what you've been through and being suffocated by them, etc.... It's just so hard.

Thanks for your honest explanation of your experiences and your willingness to share. It helps. And when it comes to this issue, every bit of help counts.

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ObjectiveOne3868 t1_j4psdx8 wrote

Absolutely. I was in so much mental turmoil, it literally caused me physical pain. My mind was so messed up and I couldn't navigate my thoughts. There was many nights where my heart literally hurt physically and I wanted to plunge a knife through it. There were times my head felt like it was going to explode because of the built up stress.

Hopelessness. Depression breaks your spirit and your mind. Or tries anyhow. I can't tell you how bad I just wanted to have a psychotic break to make it stop. Like my mind felt like it was going to but the relief never came. Not then anyway.

And I know exactly what you mean by feeling nothing. I felt it all. During the day, I felt detached. At night I was in unbearable pain psychologically that it caused me to be in physical pain. I tried an antidepressant drug for 3 months. Low dose and I had to stop it because I felt nothing was real. I felt like I wasn't me. I questioned if I was alive. I quit the anti depressants because I told my mom, "I'd rather be in excruciating pain and know I'm alive, than take this and feel like I'm being controlled, feel like my life is my own than a puppet on a string. At least with pain, I knew I was real. One hell of a dilemma.

Thanks for responding. It means a lot. I still have my moments but it's not the extreme hell it used to be fortunately. People can pull through incredible things. But the day they lose the hope is the day they start truly losing the battle, and it becomes so much harder. I kept telling myself "just another day. I just have to get through another night. Time constantly goes on, things constantly change and this will too" I hope you don't suffer with it anymore and if you do, I hope it's become more manageable.

Edit: you also sometimes push people away because you're so angry, so hurt and you're afraid of being hurt more. Not to mention for me anyhow it pissed me off royally because I knew that because of me, my mom was suffering. It was breaking her heart. Which made me internalize it more and try harder to pretend I was fine. To hide my pain and suffering.

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Super-sleeper t1_j4r4za1 wrote

I'm not great, but I'm nowhere near my worst right now. I know what ya mean about the meds. When things take a turn for the worst, I do go back on a cocktail that has been somewhat helpful for me until I can get a grip on things again, but try to wean off when life has become more stable for a decent period of time (all under doctor supervision- I don't just go off and on willy nilly, I'm talking over the course of years here, it's dangerous to mess with your meds....) But I can't stay on them indefinitely, like you said, they make me feel like I'm not real after awhile and deaden my emotional range even more than it already is.

I've pushed away my share of people- some in fear of being hurt, but most because they just don't get it. Bad advice and hurtful 'support' can easily push me into a downward spiral, and I don't need real people feeding the lies I've already told myself.... Other people fade away when you don't let them 'fix' you. Some I've pushed away because it hurts to watch them live a life full of typical ups and downs that just aren't in the cards for me. To some extent, working to accept that this is how my body and mind function and that it always will be a part of me has been helpful. But then again, the depressed and anxious brain can quickly get stuck on that and twist it into ugliness real quick. It's a never-ending cycle...

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ObjectiveOne3868 t1_j4sij7g wrote

Yeah. I get it. And you never want to play with medication. Especially medicine that has a psychological effect. I have faith it'll get better for you. Just don't give up hope. I know that's easier said than done. Some helpful things that I've heard help people? Count your blessings. Roof over your head. Another day to be alive (although sometimes that doesn't feel like a blessing). I've always thought about those who have it worse than me to push me through. While only you know you, I know doing that can make things worse. It's how you see it. The way I looked at it was "I'm struggling now. Sure. However I have food to eat. A place to sleep. Clothes to keep warm." And with people having it worse than that, knowing they're still pushing forward drove me to keep pushing forward too. But it can also make things more grim.

As for the self destructive thoughts, something that has helped me a lot (not saying it will help you but I hope it will) is disconnect yourself from the self destructive lies. For me, I basically made there be 2 of me, and I chose which one I wanted to be. I changed my depression (what I didn't want) into its own personality basically. I know it sounds crazy but try to bear with me here. The thoughts ("I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I can't do anything right", etc.) I changed them. I looked in the mirror and when those thoughts came, I deliberately refused to see the person in the mirror as myself. It had my face, my looks, but wasn't me. The comments went from "I this, I that" to "you this, you that". I'll use the hulk as an example. Banner looks in the mirror and sees the hulk, not his own reflection. When I looked in the mirror, I decided what I saw wasn't me. It was what I hated inside of me (my depression). When I was able to stop internalizing the self destruction and accepting it as coming from myself, I could argue back against it. As if it was another personality trying to take over myself, I was then able to fight something that was distinctly not me. Not who I wanted to be. Not who I chose to be. And gave me an enemy outside of my personal ego to argue against and take control of my life over. When "you're ugly" would come, my response mentally was "I'm not. You're an ugly, miserable grouch. I'm not playing this game anymore. I see you for what you are and you're not me. I reject you. You're everything I don't want to be and you won't control me anymore."

Because that's essentially what depression is is an internal battle. And it's nearly impossible to figure out how to fight it when you believe you're fighting yourself. You grow hatred for yourself that is misplaced. When you're both sides, it's like you have a Ukrainian and a Russian (just the people at war right now that came to mind) fighting each other but you're both. You can't win when fighting both sides.

By separating my depression and no longer accepting it as me, anxiety was a separate issue I then struggled with. I accepted depression as something I struggle with. Something that tries sometimes to take over again. However, I stopped identifying in my head as my depression. Someone who has cancer for example. They don't say " I am lymphoma." It doesn't make sense.

Also, there was a book I started reading. It talked about emotions and ego/identity. Emotions are just that. Emotions. You feel sad. That's an emotion. You feel happy. That's an emotion. The emotions are the specific things we feel. Its good to feel them and theres nothing wrong with feeling your emotions. They come and they go. Not the thoughts behind them. Now there's the other part of it. The ego or identity. Not ego in the sense of "you have an ego as big as Texas". No. Ego in this context is who you are. Your personal being. Your soul. The problem comes in where we feel these emotions (like sadness) and then we think deeper into them, questioning ourselves and beating ourselves up as a result of an emotion. When you're sad, you think or do things (sometimes) that make the sadness worse. Not let it out. Worsen it. Digging yourself deeper. You don't have to try to make yourself be happy, but when you're sad, sometimes it can be better to just let yourself go through your sadness without digging deeper and unintentionally finding reasons to be sad.

Also, I emotionally blocked myself off to everyone too. I wouldn't let anyone in. Something else that helped me personally (because I struggled with things I viewed as weakness. I viewed myself as weak and it wasn't okay for me to be what I thought was weak). what does it mean to be human by Jeff Bethke. Strength doesn't come from hiding and blocking yourself off. It doesn't come from loving someone. While love makes people vulnerable, it also gives us strength in its own way.

I know there's a lot here, and I'm sorry for that. Things are never simple, and psychological things are always so much more complex. During the day, I felt nothing. During the night, I felt pain. I don't know if it's the case for you, but during the day, I felt nothing because I shut it down that way. Pretended like everything was okay and faked being happy. Faked being okay. Let me know what you think

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Super-sleeper t1_j4t71da wrote

I bet that took some time.... Thank you for all that! While I've heard some of that before, it's always good to be reminded (especially by someone who actually does understand). I have a lot of significant health issues and right now, I don't have the brain clarity to think all this through, but I didn't want to leave ya hanging either. I think I like that idea of making it a separate entity you're at war with.... But I'll give this all a good read through tomorrow. Again, thank you!!! And please don't hesitate to reach out if you (or anyone else in the reddit world who's reading this)ever need someone to chat with who gets the whole depression & anxiety world too. I'm always happy to listen.

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ObjectiveOne3868 t1_j4wnl7f wrote

Thank you so much for your reply. I greatly appreciate it. I know sometimes my brain just blank screens whenever it's too tired to process things. I try to help how I can because I know the struggle. Better than I would like to. Am I happy that I ever struggled with depression and anxiety? No. Who wants to go through that struggle? But am I thankful for it in its own way? Yes. I am. Because then I can help those who are struggling just the same and don't know which way is up. Then, at least, the struggle wasn't in vain, and I'm making use of my struggles to help others with theirs. I know I don't know you, but for what it's worth, you're a good person. Kind. Caring. Loving and looking to still help others even when you're having a hard time yourself. It takes a lot of strength to get through this, and you're doing a great job. I have faith that you can pull through it all and get things sorted out. That video I linked? That was a big turning point in flipping everything I believed on its head (for the better) and gave me the ability to allow myself to let my guard down. Slowly. Carefully. But it had a big impact and gave me what I needed to be real.

Edit: don't be afraid to just let your body relax. If you can, sit in a sauna, hot tub, bath or even just sit in the shower. Listen to the sound of the water. The warmth on your skin. The feel of the water. Soak it in and let it give you a mental break if you can. Don't think about anything else but what your senses are taking in. Close your eyes. Focus on what your hands feel. I understand on bad days that it may be harder or even almost impossible to do. It's like meditation you could say. When it's nice out, go outside and just sit. Feel the warmth on your body. The breeze. The sounds. You could even (although I don't know how much it could help) but play white noise or relaxing music that has no words. Whether it's running water, the ocean, a thunderstorm. It's helped me to shut my brain down and give me a break by only focusing solely on what my senses picked up. If smell is a big thing for you, light a candle like on your nightstand or something. Lay in bed and just take in the beautiful, sweet, refreshing smell of the candle burning beside you. Life is so overwhelming its no wonder people struggle.

Edit 2: but for me it helps to close my eyes. What our eyes take in is probably the most prioritized sense that we have that overwhelms our other senses. Most of what we take in is what we see. Other senses just help that but we never focus on them. Never really focus on our other senses. It makes a big difference. Just be safe whatever you do that helps your brain to rest.

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JadedMage t1_j4tcq8x wrote

Well if it matters, I hope you are doing better now.

Your words and writing are eternal and definitely taken to heart, if you ever need a strangers ear to bend, I am a great listener and an old sage at heart ❤️

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ObjectiveOne3868 t1_j4wushr wrote

Aww. Thank you so so so very much for your wonderful reply. I greatly appreciate your response. I am doing much, much better. I have my moments for sure and I get into ruts sometimes. Nothing as extreme as my worst though. The war never seems to be fully over, but I've learned how to deal with the battles when they come up and trudge through the mess. I never want to forget what I went through though when it comes to things like this. That's the blessing I take from my struggle. If I can help others and they know they aren't alone, that they can get through it (even though it's one of the hardest things to get through) then I take my struggles as a blessing. It's hard to help people when you don't understand.

As painful as life is, community is strength. Painful things happen in everyone's lives, and everyone has their own struggles. You have to take the good and bad together when they come. There can be no good without bad, and no bad without good.

What I mean by that is, if every day was a "good" day, nothing ever happened, ever broke down, then we wouldn't view it as a good day. It would just be a day. No happy, no sad, no angry, no anything. It's like when you're working. You look forward to having your days off. But when you're not working, every day is the same and unless you change things up, it's just the same monotony constantly. Good things are already too easily taken for granted.

I'll even use a...very hard thing. Losing a child. Losing a child is painful. Extremely. It's one of the worst nightmares anyone can have. Unfortunately, people do live those nightmares. There are many children who have cancer or die of medical conditions or any number of things. It's an agonizing pain that only those who have experienced it can truly understand. Of course, parents would give anything to have their children back, and I won't diminish their pain in the slightest. The one good thing that can come of that loss (not bringing religion into it) is they can connect and relate to others on a much deeper level. They can help them in their struggles, and they know there are those who understand. So if you can use a bad painful experience to relate to others and help pull them through, then what you struggled through wasn't in vain. Your struggle was for something.

It's taken me a long time to be able find the good things that can come out of the worst of times. We can't control things outside of our control, but using things that have happened to bring about good at least puts meaning in our lives. Even the darkest parts.

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