For years I was the guy to call if you had a squirrel in your attic. I mean, to a lot of people I’m still that guy but over the last 20 years I’ve branched out to other less common infestations. Now I’m the guy you call if there is a haunted doll rummaging through your attic or a sasquatch trampling your flowerbeds.

I love my job. The specializations I’ve acquired have allowed me to travel across the country, meet incredible people and experience cryptids like few have ever done before. It doesn’t hurt that the pay is great, but the stories are even better.

I have one short story for you now, its more of a public service announcement than anything else really.

I’ve dealt with every sort of infestation from Sasquatches (spray Human urine around area of sighting and it will avoid the area), Demonic Presences (Usually need to bring a priest in. Sometimes can be tricked into inhabiting a lesser creature, like a frog), and Jackalopes (its just a bunny with some antlers! Put it in a cage and give the poor thing a carrot!) but recently there has been one cryptid that has been growing more and more invasive into human settlements – The Hidebehind.

Most commonly found in the forests of the Northern United States and Canada the Hidebehind is one cryptid that cannot easily be dealt with. In fact, I’m not sure it’s even possible for one of these to be bagged and tagged like we normally would with other cryptids. To my knowledge no Hidebehind has ever been killed, maimed, dazed or even simply removed from a residence. Once it has made a claim to an area whether it be a local forest, a cave or even, in one particularly bloody case – a Bass Pro Shop, it will defend that area to the death.

First documented by the Native Americans then by Lumberjacks in the PNW of America the hidebehind is one of the lesser known, but cryptids on the continent, but without a doubt, one of the most dangerous.

No one really knows what they look like. As the name suggests, as soon as they are seen they quickly duck out of view to hide behind anything in the vicinity. In the wild, this would be trees and rocks, in your home this could be a corner, a kitchen cabinet, a television or literally anything else as they can manipulate their body to hide behind an object of any size.

In the few accounts of the sightings we have on record they have been described as everything from a large bear/lion hybrid to a frail and elderly woman with long arms and rashes on her skin. Because of this wide discrepancy in their descriptions, they are believed to be shapeshifters that can change their shape based on what they believe will best get their potential victim to come closer and investigate the sighting.

I don’t know why the Hidebehinds are moving into suburbs, I’d guess destruction of their natural habitat, but it is becoming a real problem. That’s why I am going to share this story with you now, so you know what to do if one shows up in your home.

I pulled up to Tim’s house around 12pm on a Tuesday. He had called in to tell us there was a ‘demonic entity’ in his house and we needed to remove it ASAP. They always demand ASAP. Tim had nothing going on, but people are so much more demanding than they were 20 years ago.

I took a quick look around the house and it was pretty apparent there wasn’t any sort of demon in his residence. Not only was there no reaction to the holy water and Ouija board I had brought with me, but Tim also didn’t have normal symptoms of a demonic haunting – bad dreams, sleep paralysis or the witnessing of any telekinetic events. After further questioning he described what he had seen in more detail:

First, I was sitting right there on the couch watching television when I got the feeling I was being watched. I turned my attention to the screen door and for just a second I saw a bear looking in through the screen, but it wasn’t a bear, you see? A bear would just keep on staring at me or keep poking at the door, but this thing just ducked out of view as quick as can be, like it was trying to sneak up on me and I had caught it in the act. It bothered me something awful, but I just grabbed my gun, set it on my lap and kept on watching the TV and eventually that feeling, like I was being watched, just kinda melted off.

It was all peaches and cream until she showed up a few days later.

The ‘She’ Tim was referring to was a new ‘human’ form that the hidebehind was taking. I assume it was because of the lack of a reaction to the ‘bear’ form it had previously shown itself as. Like I said earlier, the Hidebehind wants you to look for it, to come nearer, like the Angler Fish, it dangles something in front of you in an attempt to bring you closer. It’s a lazy hunter.

I was out in the garage in my workshop and that feeling come over me again, that bein’ watched feeling. I turn around and I’m looking out the garage door and I don’t see nothing but then out of nowhere I see a lady’s head and shoulder pop out from the corner of the garage and the second she sees me eyeing her she pops right back around the corner where she came from. Well this time, I went looking ‘round for her. I gave a wide berth around the corner, cause I lived in New York City for a year in the 70’s so I’ve seen crazy people and she looked crazy and I didn’t want her grabbing me. So, I gave a wide berth around that corner and there wasn’t no one there. I walked all around the house and I didn’t see anyone. Not even footprints. Tell me that ain’t demonic.

It wasn’t demonic. It was a hidebehind and I told the man as such. I told him living out here on the edge of town made him an easy target for it. I told him that there really isn’t any way to get rid of them or scare them off. I told him he could try to leave his house for a year at minimum and maybe, with luck it would leave on its own, but the best bet would be for him to burn the place down and never come back.

He didn’t like that answer.

My family lived in this house for 3 generations. I ain’t leaving and I sure as hell ain’t burning nothing down. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ll keep my shotgun on me and when I get that feeling again, I’ll shoot it. Works for bears and that’s the meanest thing ‘round these parts, don’t see why it wouldn’t work for this- what’d you call it?- hidebehind.

You can’t argue with anyone over the age of 65, people get set in their ways, their beliefs calcify, so instead I was honest with him. I told him two things:

The first thing I told him was that eventually he’d get that feeling that he was being watched and he’d get his gun and he’d start looking around for the Hidebehind, only he wouldn’t find it. That’s what happens in all these cases, because at that point, it found the best hiding spot it can possibly get, the only place you won’t be able to lay eyes on it, even if you tried – directly behind you. And at that point, its too late for you.

The second thing I told him was that I’d be back in two days and more than likely he’d be dead.

And then I left.

Two days later I pulled my van up Tim’s driveway to find the screen door open and blowing in the wind. I didn’t even need to cross the threshold of his house to find him. He was everywhere. On the floor, the ceiling, the walls. The smell was unbelievable.

I poured some gasoline on the front porch and lit it with a match. The house was an inferno within 30 seconds.

I got in my van and started to pull out of the driveway and I took one last look at the house and then beyond it out into the tree line where I saw, for just a split second, a young boy before he quickly pulled back and disappeared behind a thin little tree.

I was hundreds of miles away by lunchtime.

I say all of this to tell you, if you ever think you might have a Hidebehind in your house or even in the area, leave. Burn the place down if you can, so new people don’t move it. These things are like bears, if they know they can get food someplace they are just going to keep coming back.

And if you get the feeling that you’re being watched and you can’t figure out why, call your loved ones, because it’s standing directly behind you.