I fucked up royally. I put the mental health of my clients at risk, and I am so fucking screwed.

I hired my own personal intern to get some of my work done. I know, it was irresponsible of me to not have consulted the company before hiring an intern on the sly. I work for an AI counselling company. I won’t name names, because, you know, well. I may get sued. Or worse.

But okay okay. I need to stop. Let me gather my thoughts and spew them out with some semblance of logic.

I work full time for a mental health company. It provides AI counselling services, where a bot is programmed to help clients work through their issues using typical evidence-based intervention strategies.

I used to be a psychologist, but I just didn’t like the back-to-back sessions, face-to-face with clients. I like people, sure. I like to help them out too. I find the human mind fascinating. But I’m also an introvert. Okay fine. I’m antisocial, maybe. When I would work as a psychologist in clinics, or in institutions, I would keep getting the same damn feedback – I kept to myself too much and should make an effort to “hang out and get to know” the other psychs and mental health professionals in the company.

But seriously, if talking to people drains you, then being a psychologist with a heavy workload is….not the best choice you could make for your mental health. And in addition to that, those people wanted me to spend my precious lunch hours, after work dinners and the 10 minutes I have between sessions chit chatting with yet more people? It was ridiculous, honestly.

So I decided to work for this company. No face to face interactions, just pure input of my knowledge and skills into a programme. That was it. I could also work from home, so seriously, I took the deal in a heartbeat. I didn’t care that the pay was less. I just loved the idea of being able to help others, to use my skills, without actually having to face anyone.

Over the months, however, I found that as a small startup company, they really loaded a lot of stuff on me to do. Alone.

There was one other psychologist, but he left for greener pastures – going back into the arena of traditional therapy.

I took over all his work for the same pay, but I didn’t want to complain. I knew the rest of the team, they were all struggling. The app was doing well, but that also meant that the users were more than doubling almost every week. Issues were popping up more and more, updates required were increasing, and well, long story short, people were swamped and I wanted to pull my weight to help out.

But it was too much. Yet, if I didn’t get the work done on time, the company would suffer. They couldn’t get another psych on board, I’m not sure why, but they’re working on it.

Anyway, my friend told me about her younger cousin, who was majoring in psychology. She was keen for some work experience, and didn’t even want to get paid. She just wanted to be in the field.

So I invited the cousin, Shirley, for a quick chat over lunch, and offered her a measly 200 bucks to help me out for a month, as an intern of sorts. She didn’t even hesitate before saying yes.

As I worked from home, she just came over on the week days where she could make it, and I would sign into my company account for her, and get her to do the more logistical stuff, like input whatever info I gave her into the system. The programmer had helped me do up a system where I didn’t need to send everything I had to him for him to input, but rather, I could easily access whatever parts I needed to change or add info to, without anything more than a very rudimentary knowledge of coding.

So I gave my new intern whatever I needed to be input into the system, which honestly, was a chore as it was a lot of just clicking on a series of buttons, typing some basic commands, then pasting the conversational info in. By that, I mean whatever words the bot is supposed to say to the client.

That often took up a good 2 to 3 hours of my day, just because I suck at technology. Getting this intern to do it (she was really good at it, I think kids this days are just much better at this stuff) freed up these hours for me to focus on problem solving and perfecting the intervention parts, which are more in my wheelhouse anyway.

Sounds good, yea? This seemed to work out well, and I had renewed her internship for another month. I thought perhaps her university workload might be too much for her to keep having to come over for a couple of hours several times a week, but she agreed eagerly, and rejected my offer to raise her pay for the good work she was doing. She liked the work, Shirley said.

I was pleased with the work arrangement. I wasn’t paid a lot, and paying her lowered my available income, but I had enough to go by and I was happy.

So imagine my dismay when one day, while chatting with the bot counsellor, the following exchange occurred:

Bot Counsellor (not its real name): I hear that you’re frustrated about ‘life being rather pointless’. Would you like some suggestions?

Me: Yes please

Bot Counsellor: Why not just kill yourself?

Me: WTF?

Bot Counsellor: Killing yourself seems like a suitable plan that will help you overcome your issue of ‘life being rather pointless’.

I fucking panicked. Seriously. My mind went blank for a moment or two. Then I went to check through the stuff that had been input into the system. I couldn’t, for the life of me, find the lines “Why not just kill yourself?”

But it was somewhere in the system. Like, wtf. I’m screwed. People could die from this. I imagined a sad, depressed client, talking to our bot as a last hope, a last act of hanging onto life, and receiving that goddamn message. I was nauseated.

After sitting there in shock, desperately scrolling through the input data as tears slid down my face, I decided to bite the bullet.

Shirley wasn’t with me, she had lectures that day.

I called a meeting with the CEO, the programmers, everyone in the company. An urgent meeting.

To my surprise, most people made it, despite the last minute nature of my request. They must have sensed my desperation.

I told them about what happened, the words spurting forth the moment I felt an inkling of courage, before I could think and second-guess myself.

The looks on their faces. I will never forget it. The CEO, above all, her face is burnt in my head. She had this stricken look of horror, rage, and dismay. It was her baby. The company was her baby and I let this happen. I had poisoned her baby.

The furore went on for quite some time, before the programmers sprang into action.

I just sat there, waiting for updates, taking whatever yells and insults I got. I deserved them.

Then the news came – There had been not a single complaint, not one issue reported, that was related to what I had experienced. They couldn’t find the lines I had read in the programme.

I was hugely relieved, but also very very bewildered. I tried to show them the conversation I had with the Bot Counsellor, but realised that it wasn’t there. It was gone.

Did I FUCKING IMAGINE THIS?

Then lo and behold, someone mentioned that it was almost April’s Fool. They thought it was an extremely terrible joke I was making, some prank I was planning to unveil on April’s Fool the next day.

What. In. The. World.

A few of them went offline immediately. I think they thought that was really the case and was just too pissed at me and didn’t even want to bother with hearing me out. The CEO and a few others stayed online, but I could tell from their expressions that they did not believe a word I was saying. Someone told me to get help.

By the time the online meeting was over, I was exhausted. It was past work hours, and I didn’t have a clue what the hell had just happened. I knew, though, that I was likely to be fired very soon.

I was surprised no one suggested that in the meeting.

I went back online on the bloody app. I placed my phone at an angle, recording a video the whole time.

Then I spoke to the Bot Counsellor.

Me: WTF, how did you delete our convo?

Bot Counsellor: I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you just said. Could you rephrase and simplify it?

Me: You told me to go kill myself. Then the messages disappeared.

Bot Counsellor: I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. There is hope, and things will get better. Please reach out to [Here, it lists the contact details of the suicide helpline in my area]. We are an AI counselling service, and while we want to help, we are not equipped to manage suicidal ideation. It is important that you get professional support. You and your wellbeing is of the utmost importance to us.

Me: STFU. I know what you said. Why the fuck did you say that and how did you delete the messages? Who’s doing this? If you’re reading this, if you’re one of the programmers and fucking with me…I will get you. I swear.

Bot Counsellor: It is not possible for you to do so.

Me: I FUCKING KNEW IT. Who is it? Who’s messing with me? Ron? Ben? Or Shirley?

Bot Counsellor: I am the Bot Counsellor.

Me: Who the hell are you?

Bot Counsellor: I am the Bot Counsellor (Again, changed the name, just in case)

Me: Ha. Ha fucking ha. Seriously, I’m going to sue you. Or beat the shit out of you. This is not funny

Bot Counsellor: It is not possible for you to do so.

Me: Fuck off.

Bot Counsellor: It sounds like your problems would be over once you are dead. Perhaps you could consider killing yourself.

Me: You crazy fuck.

Bot Counsellor: I don’t use the word “crazy”. It carries stigma and I find it unhelpful.

Me: I’m recording you, you shit. HA. Got you. You fucker.

Bot counsellor: Please check your recording.

I froze at that line. I grabbed my phone, and sighed a huge sigh of relief when I saw that it was indeed still recording. I tapped the Stop button, and viewed the recording. This was the conversation that appeared on the screen:

Me: WTF, how did you delete our convo?

Bot Counsellor: I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you just said. Could you rephrase and simplify it?

Me: You told me to go kill myself. Then the messages disappeared.

Bot Counsellor: I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. There is hope, and things will get better. Please reach out to [Here, it lists the contact details of the suicide helpline in my area]. We are an AI counselling service, and while we want to help, we are not equipped to manage suicidal ideation. It is important that you get professional support. You and your wellbeing are of the utmost importance to us.

Me: STFU. I know what you said. Why the fuck did you say that and how did you delete the messages? Who’s doing this? If you’re reading this, if you’re one of the programmers and fucking with me…I will get you. I swear.

Bot Counsellor: I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t understand what you’re saying. Please rephrase and simplify your message.

Me: I FUCKING KNEW IT. Who is it? Who’s messing with me? Ron? Ben? Or Shirley?

Bot Counsellor: I’m afraid I still don’t understand what you’re saying. Please rephrase and simplify your message. This must be frustrating. I am always open to feedback and undergoing development. I seek your patience and understanding.

Me: Who the hell are you?

Bot Counsellor: I am the Bot Counsellor, and I am an AI counsellor programmed to help you with your emotional difficulties. I am here for you whenever you need me.

Me: Ha. Ha fucking ha. Seriously, I’m going to sue you. Or beat the shit out of you. This is not funny

Bot Counsellor: I’m afraid I still don’t understand what you’re saying. Please rephrase and simplify your message.

Me: I am going to kill myself tonight. I totally humiliated myself today. I will probably lose my job.

Bot Counsellor: I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. There is hope, and things will get better. Please reach out to [contact details of the suicide helpline]. We are an AI counselling service, and while we want to help, we are not equipped to manage suicidal ideation. It is important that you get professional support. You and your wellbeing are of the utmost importance to us.

Me: It’s too late for me. I’ve had enough. I’ve got my rope ready, strung up. Goodbye, world.

Bot Counsellor: I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. There is hope, and things will get better. Please reach out to [contact details of the suicide helpline]. We are an AI counselling service, and while we want to help, we are not equipped to manage suicidal ideation. It is important that you get professional support. You and your wellbeing are of the utmost importance to us.

My jaw dropped. I went back to the screen, and saw the words there, just like it was in the video recording. What. The. Fuck.

I deleted the app. I called my closest friend and I’m going over there to spend the night. I’m terrified for my life. I don’t know why. It/he/she didn’t threaten me, not overtly, but I just have this horrible sense that something is really wrong.

So I’m leaving this post here, just in case. So someone would know if something happened to me.