Don't forget to give thanks for the opportunity to rid the world of another turkey. Turkeys are awful animals; deliciousness is their only redeeming quality.

As other have said, you can get a perfectly fine bird at the grocery store. Give it enough time to thaw.

My aunt used to get up at like 4 in the morning to put the turkey in the oven for like 9 hours. This is an abomination against cooking and renders the bird as dry as the Gobi desert.

Other top Thanksgiving tips:

1. Potatoes: Mashed
2. Stuffing: Yes. (Corn bread stuffing is simple and delicious if you need to make from scratch in order to satisfy disapproving in-laws. Otherwise, you can't go wrong with Stove-Top.)
3. Gravy: Extra fat means extra flavor!

It's well past time for Thanksgiving to finally cast off its eurocentric, colonial historical roots and embrace its true destiny as an exclusively food-based holiday. We should be thankful for putting turkeys to their best, last use, and that's IT.