Codependency is when you become reliant on another individual, or individuals for basic functions or emotional needs. This is unhealthy because over reliance can lead to not developing necessary skills (literally and emotional). When those individuals are taken away, either by death, a break up, moving, or another reason, the codependent person can no longer function. We all rely on others, but by over relying it can lead us to a greater struggle down the road. Its important to build basic skills, including emotional ones, even if you expect to always have people in your life.

So, the goal is to love people to the point of saying “I need you,” but not meaning it literally.

Nah, love a person that brings you happiness and joy but don't let that be the only source of it. Codependent people are fully dependant on a person or persons for happiness, joy and something to do and without them they are "lost".

But why is it called codependency when it's just dependency? Or is dependency something different?

i.e. what I said

Codependency is when a couple (not necessarily a romantic one) depends on one another for their emotional and/or earthly needs.

It's considered unhealthy because we live in an ultra-individualized society, where independence and the selfish desires of the individual are prioritized.

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It's "co"dependent because usually the one person relies entirely on the other for their needs and the other person relies on being needed for their sense of purpose. Person A can't handle their life responsibilities and Person B feels useless unless they are constantly proving their worth by doing for others (and usually neglecting themselves).

A child is naturally dependent, but if the mother makes mothering her whole identity and worth in life, now it's a codependancy (and there will likely be issues as the child naturally becomes more independent and the mother resists losing her sense of self).

No. Codependency is when one person relies on another for their needs, while the other neglects their own needs to support their partner, who does not reciprocate the support. A healthy couple gives and takes in turn, a codependent couple is one person leeching off another. Generally the supporting partner has low self esteem and derives their sense of self-worth from providing, but this becomes untenable as their own needs go unmet and they eventually burn out.

No it isn't, this person is trying to claim that relationships with normal give-and-take are being pathologized by "society" but a codependent relationship is one-sided. One person only takes and the other only gives, until they burn out (or are replaced by the taker).

This. Codependency refers to the person who is reliant on being depended upon, not the person who is dependent.

It’s classically seen in family and partners of people with drug or alcohol problems. If someone spends a lot of time complaining about their partner’s drinking, for example, but still puts them in situations where they’d be tempted to drink/shields them from significant consequences/pushes - consciously or otherwise - on triggers for drinking, etc, and then gets a certain amount of fulfilment out of being the one who can save the day, retrieve the lost car, fix the broken bag, rearrange the missed appointment, smooth over the disagreements, eyeroll ‘oh well you know what they’re like, they’d be helpless without me!’…

That’s codependency.

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I would say to love people to the point where you want them bad enough to make room for them in your life.

I never found the word "need" a healthy word when it comes to a relationship between two people.

> I'm not sure I'd say it's so polarized. ONLY gives and ONLY takes. It's pretty extreme. Life is complicated, and I'm sure it doesn't always exist in extremes. I guess I'm saying I think it's more of a spectrum.

Because of this part of your comment, I'm not sure whether you see what aspects makes a relation a codependency. I'll try to explain it a bit more.

A dependency is clear: If you need help, you are dependent. Someone can give it to you. Maybe you don't have work and need food.That (indeed) is a spectrum: some people need more than others. If you need a lot and someone gives a lot, that can still be a regular dependency. No problem at all!

However, some people's selfworth is massively based on helping or being there for others. Even so much so that they will - intentionally or unintentionally - keep others down in order to be there for them. If the helper needs the dependent to remain dependent, they become codependent.

This causes a problem for the original dependent: If they stay dependent (e.g. have no job, need to live with someone else) they will remain unempowered and insecure. Which sucks. But if they grow out of their dependency (e.g. get a job, get their own place) their helper may be very disappointed or may even grow resentfull and angry with them.

> So, to go off of that, I think that it's possible for a culture to influence how codependency is percieved/judged/understood, etc. Like they may view the spectrum differently compared to individualistic societies...

I guess some societies could be more or less postivie about codependencies but the definition is quite the same for all cultures.

> But I do understand what you mean about the imbalance within relationships with codependency

It is not the imbalance itself. It is someones unwillingness to change another persons life for the better because it means they themselves would lose their purpose. Hence unnecesarily perpetuating the original dependee's reliance on them.

Codependency isn’t a cultural or societal difference. It’s a mental and behavioral health issue, often the result of an unstable family home growing up (but can be from other things). It’s an extreme form of dependence on another.. for everything, all the time. Some view it as a form of manipulation because the reliant one will use guilt to get the other person to do what they want. It truly is take, take, take, and no/ very little give.

And yes life has challenges where you need to lean on someone for help, but that isn’t remotely the same as codependency.

First off, it's not strictly defined what "co-dependence" even is, which is probably part of why you're having trouble getting a clear handle on it.

>Codependency has no established definition or diagnostic criteria within the mental health community.[14][15] It has not been included as a condition in any edition of the DSM or ICD.
>
>-https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Definition

The reason it's considered "unhealthy" is (in it's most-commonly-understood meaning) because it tends to mean that one partner (romantic or not) is heavily dependent on the other for their emotional or practical needs, while the supporting partner exhibits excessive suppression of their own needs and emotions, and excessive self-sacrifice in service of the dependent partner's needs.