nighthawk_something t1_jefm9c4 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 5:35 PM

What you want is a living will and an power of attorney who will understand and respect your wishes.

The best way to do this is to write down clear and specific (as specific as you want) instructions and give them to the person who would be responsible for your medical decisions in the case of your loss of capacity. If you're married, this will typically be your spouse, but you can also (in writing) specify a parent or sibling. Just sure to ask that person.

For example, my wife and I worked out our instructions/will recently.

For myself, I wanted to be kept alive as long as I have reasonable quality of life. I also made explicit wishes that I don't not want to be kept alive should I become an unreasonable burden on my family.

Basically, I made it clear that keeping me alive in a situation where I am a burden is against what I want.

NoPlaceForTheDead t1_jefw06w wrote on March 31, 2023 at 6:39 PM

Brother: Hmm, you know, dad is being a real smartass lately. And he refuses to help plan the vacation. He just sits there, drinking beer and watching baseball all day. Mom says he won't stop swearing at the preacher, and refuses to help cook like he used to.

Sister: yeah, he sure has become a real burden to us all.

Personal_Might2405 t1_jefyx74 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 6:58 PM

Dad: I’ve made you 3rd in line to have power of attorney, and set the age to 35 before you’ll be eligible to take on the responsibility.

Kael_Alduin t1_jegzbo0 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 11:11 PM

Dad: "I'm right here you fully baked creampies"

supapoopascoopa t1_jeg1l0i wrote on March 31, 2023 at 7:16 PM

It is a great idea to spell this out and good advice.

I don’t like at all this idea of “being a burden” on the family as a criterion for withdrawal of life supporting care. I’m an ICU doctor and almost always the family wants the patient kept alive more than the patient does, as the family loves them and doesn’t want to let them go. But the patient is the one who has to suffer the reality of their quality of life. And many will be in nursing facilities so not a “burden” on the decision maker. In addition it is unlikely the decision-maker would use being a burden as their explicit reasoning.

Focus instead on what an acceptable quality of life means to you. Knowing that they are following your wishes is usually what gives people the strength and love to let go.

nighthawk_something t1_jeg61ad wrote on March 31, 2023 at 7:46 PM

To be fair my wife is an NP so she does know quite specifically what I want

dinosarahsaurus t1_jegwdts wrote on March 31, 2023 at 10:49 PM

My partner and i did our wills a few years ago. We learned a "fun difference". I'm very frugal and I'm the higher income earner with incredible work provided life insurance. My partner is much more of a spender, money burns a hole in his pocket (he responded really well to budgeting and stuff, so its not an issue).

My will was first. We get to death/dying. I told him no extreme measures unless i can return to how i was before "whatever happened" and if my MS and arthritis have me in a wheelchair, absolute DNR. We get to funeral stuff. I hate ceremonies. 3 university degrees and I go to one graduation. I refuse to ever have a marriage and fuck bday parties. So my will says i want to be cremated. That he has to select the cheapest options, with having the crematorium put me in a ziploc bag would be fine. Then just throw away the ashes. I do not care. Just do not waste money on it. My beliefs are very soul based, the body is just a vehicle.

We get to my partner's and the mf-er wants full on open casket, full ceremony, headstone, plot in the graveyard, etc. I told him his life insurance isnt enough to cover what he wants so he better prepay. He just laughs but damn... our one diverging value is gonna get us after death. I assume he fes as uncomfortable with my plan as i do with his.