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Abeyita t1_iqvifpa wrote

Reply to comment by YogurtclosetOdd4238 in In light of the Try Guys' Cheating Scandal, I asked 50 friends whether they thought physical or emotional cheating was worse [oc] by hannigong4dmi

To me it is emotional cheating when he shares thoughts and emotions he usually would only share with me.

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moral_luck t1_iqvtal2 wrote

Which emotions are those though? Sadness? Loss? Grief? Happiness? Success?

I think this is bad message for people (and men in particular) if you are only allowed to share certain emotions with a single person. Building more emotional connections is good for everybody.

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Abeyita t1_iqvtoax wrote

Some emotions and thoughts are only to be shared with certain people imo. It is part of the bond of trust between partners. Just like some activities are only to be shared with certain people. The activities are physical cheating, the emotions are emotional cheating.

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moral_luck t1_iqvule5 wrote

Which emotions?

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Abeyita t1_iqvvac3 wrote

Emotions about personal things that would normally not be shared with someone else than the SO. Some things stay within the relationship and are not to leave it.

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moral_luck t1_iqvvo81 wrote

So which emotions are those? Can you give a specific example.

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Abeyita t1_iqvw8uv wrote

Did you read my comment? It can be any human emotion. It's about the things that are supposed to stay within the relationship. Have you ever been in a serious relationship? Did you not talk and share about stuff that weren't supposed to leave the relationship? Did you not go through things together that were non of anyones business except of you two?

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moral_luck t1_iqvxjhc wrote

Yes, I have a serious relationship. And I share my emotions with a number of people. If I'm frustrated with my partner, I share that frustration with friends.

But from this thread, I'm gathering that friends are a form of "emotional cheating".

There is information that is only for partners (the same is true for familial and friendship relationships too), but emotions? Emotions ≠ information.

Which emotions should I not be sharing?

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Abeyita t1_iqvxu4x wrote

You shouldn't share frustrations about your partner with friends. It makes your partner look bad and they will see your partner in a bad light even after you resolved things with your partner.

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moral_luck t1_iqvy7qp wrote

That's not how it works. Sharing frustrations is not talking shit.

You've never told a friend how your partner leaves their socks on the floor? How they never fold the laundry? etc?

It's a pretty common and basic thing to do. You've expressed to your partner you'd like them to fold the laundry when it's done, etc. and they continue to fail to do it. Instead of bottling your emotions, you share them before they build up.

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Abeyita t1_iqvyt3i wrote

No, my partner is an adult and can pick up after himself. And even if he did, why would I be telling friends that? It only paints an immature picture of my partner. And of me.

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moral_luck t1_iqvz3wy wrote

You've never expressed frustration about anything about your partner to a friend?

I don't think you're going to give the information I seek from you (which emotions are banned from sharing).

So have a great day. And maintain friendships outside your partner. It's not healthy to be solely attached to one person. And potentially dangerous.

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Abeyita t1_iqvzege wrote

I have very good friends, I've had them for literally decades. But no I do not have ever expressed frustration about my partner. There is no need to. And it isn't right imo.

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moral_luck t1_iqvzqwi wrote

>There is no need to

Tell me you are in short (< 5 years) relationship without telling me you are in short relationship.

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tico_pico t1_iqwolfj wrote

Are you autistic?

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iphigenia22 t1_iqxf8w2 wrote

How on earth do you connect neurodiversity to this person's comment? It seems as if you're using it as a form of insult rather than a sincere enquiry about neurodiversity, and if that is the case it's both ignorant and ugly.

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iphigenia22 t1_iqx4awo wrote

I don't believe it's the sharing of certain emotions, rather the emotional impact of an undisclosed level of closeness with another specific person that would leave the partner feeling uncomfortable or violated. It's absolutely healthy to share and discuss emotions and issues with friends outside of the relationship, but if that then leads to things always being shared with one person to the detriment of the relationship (because closeness and intimacy build with the friend and not effort is being made to maintain the father energy with the partner), or if private information is being shared without the second partners consent or knowledge, or where the first person has to hide communication or lie about the friend, those amongst other examples would all potentially feel like a violation and betrayal to the partner, which can be emotionally devastating. The "emotional" aspect therefore refers to the degree of emotional connection shared outside the relationship and the emotional impact that has on the unknowing partner, not avoiding sharing certain emotions. The confines of what would be deemed acceptable may vary somewhat within different relationships but most people have a sense of what it means to be engaging in a duplicitous action that needs to be concealed rather than sharing emotions and experiences in a genuine friendship which pose no threat to the relationship.

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moral_luck t1_iqxmvby wrote

>with another specific person that would leave the partner feeling uncomfortable

This applies to all close relationships, no matter the category: romantic, friend, family, business, etc. It's a betrayal of trust not "emotional cheating".

Still not sold on the idea of "emotional cheating"

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iphigenia22 t1_iqxsvrb wrote

I think you can word it however works best for you, but it's a very well established and used term both in societal and therapeutic circles.

Trust can be broken at many different levels, trust can be broken in a way that's hurtful and infuriating without causing emotional distress. Certainly betrayal by a friend, family member or business partner is an awful experience but in most cases these do not have the hallmark of the unfaithful person having developed a new bond that mimics the basis of the relationship. Emotional infidelity usually involves the perpetrator buildingvs second connection that has many of the signs and feelings of a genuine full relationship, which directly undermines the relationship they're supposedly already invested in.

  1. people that screw over their business partner do so for financial gain, it's less intimate and business often comes with such risks. A business partner can do other deals without it having any significance to your business arrangement.

  2. The expectations are usually vastly different of friends and family members than of a partner, certainly when it is a marriage. One can easily understand & accept that they don't know about new people their family members get involved with. If your husband were to start having regular lunches or after works drinks alone with a new friend or colleague, that might be something you'd expect to be kept in the loop about. Trust in relationships is commonly built by, amongst other things, revealing ones life to the partner, introducing them to people that are of significance. If eg your sister starts dating a new guy you likely have no cause to be upset that you haven't been told about this new person, and the relationship didn't threshed to replace your own - quite different if it's your spouse. The very act of sharing information about relevant others in your world solidifies bonds already established & increases feelings of trust and safety. When it has to be covered up and hidden then it's likely not a mere platonic friendship, a violation of trust odd taking place even though it's not yet a sexual infidelity

  3. People tend to invest a great deal more of their emotional energy and sense of safety in their romantic partnerships. This generally increases with age when relationships become more serious and begin involving children, joint finances etc. A betrayal of that, leaves people's worlds split asunder. By virtue of the very nature of long term committed sexual relationships that bond is very close, very intimate and closeness brings vulnerability. People share their past, their hopes and fears and pains with each other. People usually trust their partner with a level of vulnerability that simply doesn't equal that in business. Having some money stolen is argued but not comparable to heartbreak and having to see the face of that person every morning or going through dividing assets.

I think time is also a factor, I'm not taking about a one off lunch, an ill thought out emoji or a slightly flirtatious singular response, I'm talking about a partner engaging with another person at the level that would only be expected to occur between a couple. I'm talking about consistent deception by the person you love and share your life with, I think for most people in love the experiences is generally devastating and it's always at an emotional level.

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moral_luck t1_iqy71op wrote

I still think the term "emotional cheating" is a very bad term and has the (harmful) connotation that sharing emotions is something you do with almost exclusively one person.

That's bad for both people - the sharer, because it limits the range of emotions they may be willing to share - and the sharee, because they are now exclusively burden with the emotional labor of the their partner.

TLDR the term is a bad term, and potentially reinforces unhealthy emotional management.

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iphigenia22 t1_iqzhtcz wrote

From my perspective that's just an incorrect or uninformed understanding of the term as per it's regular definition. It's been used in therapy and socially for years so I don't suppose it's going to current any time soon.

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