You’re Wearing That? by Deborah Tannen

Submitted by uuuuuummmmm_actually t3_z6o5hi in books

You’re Wearing That? by Deborah Tannen gave some solid insight into the complicated communication dynamics of intimate familial relationships. It focuses mainly on the mother-daughter dynamic giving insight into why communication can be so emotionally charged between mothers and daughters.

What really stuck with me was how the author addressed meta messages or meta meanings. I’d seen this topic addressed in a viral thread about “ask culture” versus “guess culture”. Tannen explains how exclaiming that “guess culture” is wrong and that the more direct “ask culture” makes more sense ignores the fact that there really are two forms of communication happening in any given conversation. And that the longer the relationship of the two people speaking the more likely there are messages that belie what’s explicitly said (meta messages/meanings).

The closeness and length of a relationship make any conversation automatically more of a “minefield” due to intimate knowledge and shared experiences.

It was really interesting reading about the reasons why conversations with my parents can trigger such an emotional response even though to an outsider nothing deserving of such a reaction was said.

I really recommend this book if you find that your communication with your mother in particular tends to be more frustrating and upsetting than enjoyable and intimate.

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Comments

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[deleted] t1_iy2ihlc wrote

That sounds pretty interesting — I recently noticed in a conversation between a friend of mine and her mother that despite the seemingly harmless contents of the conversation as I heard it, the emotional toll it took on my friend made it apparent that there was an absurdly complex mess of a situation going on just below the surface. When the conversation was brought up after the fact, my friend assumed the aforementioned chaos was self-evident to everyone other than herself and her mother, when on the surface it just appeared as though a normal conversation was making her uncomfortable.

I feel that especially in close relationships, we'll sort of dig each other into a "language pit" which makes it absurdly difficult for either party to leverage external input, because everything is coded, and then externally established resolutions only make sense in the context of what amount of code has been translated in the presentation of the problem, which is never 100% otherwise there'd be no communication issues to begin with — so what's brought back into the pit as a cherry pie for peace gets received as a maggot-infested something-else, and on goes the cycle of miscommunication.

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matjoeman t1_iy440c7 wrote

What was the conversation about at the surface level?

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MILeft t1_iy2zg5v wrote

If you’re looking for other writers who approach similar topics, the search term is “discourse analysis.”

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ladnakahva t1_iy30nqu wrote

Thanks for this!

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MILeft t1_iy3q6yh wrote

I was surprised to see the reference to Deborah Tannen, and it took me a second to realize that I had pitched her credentials to my dissertation committee back in the day. Her dissertation was a discourse analysis of the guests around her table for Thanksgiving. I was able to order it to my university’s inter library loan service, and I marveled at how “elegant” her research design was. She invited some friends and they agreed to be tape-recorded (literally), and she transcribed the script. I’m pretty sure that was her basic research strategy forever after.

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DyeSueKey90 t1_iy2vy86 wrote

I also highly recommend “You Just Don’t Understand” by her too. It’s basically this but focuses on linguistics/communication differences between men and women.

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MrPanchole t1_iy3f5rv wrote

Read this as part of a university course in the late eighties. Spotting that "rapport vs report" stuff to this day, but I must say I think those styles have become less entrenched since the book was written.

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MrPanchole t1_iy3fe0u wrote

Just looked at my transcripts--must've been a 91-92 Winter Session course.

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DidjaRedo t1_iy52jeg wrote

Her explanation of interruptive vs. non-interruptive communication styles was game-changing for me. Incredibly useful in a work context.

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TheLeviathan319 t1_iy3rtbf wrote

I read her book “that’s not what I meant” a few weeks ago. It was absolutely brilliant, it really changed the way I look at conversations. It was mainly about the balance between involvement and independence in a conversation. Reading your post made me realize I only read a small part of her work, I assumed most of her books would look the same, but none of that was mentioned in “that’s not what I meant.”

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Chr153m4 t1_iy3l3ek wrote

Sounds interesting! Nonviolent communication: A language of life by Marshall B. Rosenberg was also full of insights for me.

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itsAshl t1_iy42wxv wrote

That sounds super interesting. My mom has this manner of speaking where she will say "you don't want to [do that] do you?" Or "you're not [doing that] are you?" And I find it to be enraging.

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librician t1_iy49onf wrote

I read the sample that’s available online. I think it would be good for people to understand that this book presupposes some universality in experiences of mothers—that there is a duality to the mother daughter relationship, but it includes an expectation that if the daughter shares hurts the mother will attempt to soothe. As a person who does not have a mother with the capacity to be generous, I found this alienating. Parental estrangement is incredibly common in the west, and I was hoping this book might be broad enough to have tools for those of us with problematic parents. Unfortunately it is written from the perspective of someone who is not considering that one in five people has a parental estrangement. I felt very sad reading it, very othered.

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uuuuuummmmm_actually OP t1_iy4fg3e wrote

If it makes a difference the author did address and acknowledged abusive mother/daughter relationships, including sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse, and how powerful a mother’s acknowledgement of the impact of her abuse can be for her daughter/child.

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librician t1_iy4iem0 wrote

That’s an expression of the same othering perspective—I mean, of course it would be meaningful if my mother had the capacity to take responsibility for her part in things. I’m glad this book exists, it’s just not for people like me.

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BookishBitching t1_iy4t10y wrote

Thanks for this comment, I was considering reading this, but I have a similar relationship with mine. Only her needs are valid, everyone else is a selfish narcissist according to her. I'll just re-read I'm Glad My Mom Died instead.

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GarlicTeapot t1_iy4t1yc wrote

Thanks for the heads up <3 sounds like this books doesn't apply to me either

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Notequal_exe t1_iy3qxh1 wrote

Sounds pretty neat! I bet it would give me some new perspectives.

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hott2molly t1_iy3rv3n wrote

Thanks for sharing this! I'm interested in this and the other books/topics mentioned in the comments too

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biancanevenc t1_iy6k6gv wrote

I love Dr. Deborah Tannen's books! My book club read this one and it generated a lot of conversation. You Just Don't Understood is also good.

And I just have to add that I met Dr. Tannen when I was manning coat check as a volunteer usher at a local theater a few years ago. I tried really hard not fan girl too much. Not sure I succeeded.

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Patty-Benetardis t1_iy5qi5x wrote

What about mothers who find their kids say hurtful things? Will they benefit?

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FrannyCastle t1_iy6ea6n wrote

I heard about this book and Tannen’s others a few years ago and it was like the dam broke for me. I am a direct communicator and my mom and sister are not. Because of those different ways of communicating, there was a misunderstanding and my sister told me that she doesn’t want me in her life. Wish I had read this book before the misunderstanding.

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