I do not know what the technician was thinking, but I live in an area where professionals will look at you like you are crazy no matter what. Such is the case of living in NYC. If it was the result of transphobia, I am transphobic too because I do something similar. I remember walking into a store, and I had seen this person. I do not know their pronouns, but they had long hair and body hair and wore a dress with boots. My immediate reaction was, “oh, wow. What are they? Transgender? Non-binary? Interesting.” Yes, I continued to stare subtly, and the more I stared, the more curious I became. I met my reaction curiously, but I never had any ill-mannered response such as, “oh my God. What is that?” I never thought, “Jesus Christ. Why is a dude wearing a dress?” We cannot assume everyone will ponder with malevolence unless we become mind readers. Could she have stared at you out of transphobia, yes? Can you guarantee that was the case? Not unless you asked her. What if she liked what you were wearing? Your hair? Maybe you have beautiful eyes. I can think of a million reasons why I stare at people, and mostly because I am curious or something about them captivates me. Now, since this is your experience, I am going to say that you have right every right to say she was doing it because of transphobia, but you should also know not everyone will meet you with transphobia. It is a defensive mechanism, if you ask me, to assume everyone we meet has an issue with us but is that so? Does everyone have a problem with trans people? I do not know your journey, nor can I argue your experience, but I wanted to provide you with an alternative. Sometimes we think people are against us when it is quite the opposite.

I agree that people have biases they cannot control, but transphobia is transphobia. If you internalize it, you can equally externalize it. Regardless of how an individual expresses their transphobia, the harm it does collectively is enough. There are a lot of issues with JK Rowling that make her transphobic, which were not biases, but logical fallacies, since her arguments have since been debunked.

An example of internalized transphobia was the need to “pass.” This issue has only recently come to fruition, but it has roots in internalized transphobia because many people deemed passing as a requirement to having your trans identity verified. It was not transphobic to want your body and gender to align, but it was transphobic to make people think that your trans identity has validity if you pass. This is STILL an issue in our community and does not stop with only cisgender people.

Another issue rooted in internalized transphobia is wanting your voice to match your identity so others would feel more comfortable, which, again, has only recently come to fruition.

There are many examples of internalized transphobia that unironically coexist with externalized transphobia. Why? Because it’s transphobia. It does not matter how you express it, it is transphobic to hold those beliefs, and most examples do not only harm the person. It damages trans individuals altogether. You can call it different names and say, “well, this is [...],” but the basis of these two remains the same: transphobia. How that person expresses their transphobia will be different, but it is transphobic nonetheless. There is no shame in accepting that you are transphobic. I was transphobic, and I had to work with a therapist to unpack that. I thought saying, “well, the least I could do is pass,” and “I need to dress more femininely if I want to call myself transgender.” “I am too masculine-looking to use she/her pronouns” were acceptable. The worst offender? “Trans women cannot enter women’s spaces unless they have womanly parts.” Yes. Inevitably, while applying these beliefs to myself, I began to externally apply them to other trans individuals. Some people never do that, but all things in the dark will eventually come to light, no?

I thought it was sensible to have these views, but these are transphobic, and they not only harmed me —but also how I spoke about our community in the past likely left people with a sour taste in their mouths, which gave them more reasons to hate us. Transphobia affects everyone; it does not end with you.