Part 2 of 2 - Satan & St Peter

Ever since they'd made that agreement, things had gone so well. Heaven gets the Unionists that want to reunite and he got to keep the Separatists who enjoyed everything since.

But for nearly two decades they'd been getting the count all wrong. Satan had explained the situation to St Peter, the eternal gatekeeper, but he'd scoffed.

Didn't even put on the airs of a gentlemen, 'What's the matter Diablo, are the individuals too much to handle? I assure you our system is fine.' and then he hung up. "God damnit!" Satan roared while stomping on the ground.

Hell heard his fury, and a small gout of lava boiled up. Not enough to make a mess of the carpet, but enough to remind him the world cared. "Aww, love you too buddy. But I'm not fixing that again. Do it outside."

The lava receded, but the charred fibers and small hole remained. And if that wasn't annoying enough, his secretary Lilith buzzed, "Cult Corral calling, should I put them thru?"

"What's the bastard want to chide me about now. I already told him that until he starts giving me all of mine, I'll give these freaks exactly what they wanted." Satan growled into the intercom.

"Right, right. God damn them all. So should I put him thru or say you are unavailable... again."

"Must you always be so-"

"Helpful, only for you." Lilith interuppted.

"-patronizing, I am the Supreme Lord of Hell."

"Yeah, yeah. And you have a gripe with Almighty Lord of Heaven. Now are you going to deal with his errand boy or make it a feud?"

"Uraaaggh Lilith, fine, just fine." Satan hated Sundays, for some reason it always worked out like this. But at least tomorrow would be Monday, an unholy day of business.

She put him thru without the parting shot he was waiting for and St Peter screamed "Do you realize how bad this makes us look? What have you done to it? You complained you didn't like your damned hellspawn and now they're showing up on the exemption list. You had better explain yourself!"

"And if I don't?"

"Then I'll be forced to file an injunction."

"For what."

"Your whereabouts from the fourth epoch to the current time... actually, until the completion of this epoch so you don't try anything later."

"Everywhere. I'm a god dumbass."

"How dare you! This is why you were cast out, damned. You are no god but a mere fragment of the God."

"Integral infinities are good enough for me." Satan said, but only thought 'for now.' St Peter would definitely lose it if he said that.

"Like I can't see your nature beast. You just lust for more and more and more. I know your goal and I don't know why he allows it."

"The lord works in mysterious ways. Best to accept it even when it sounds illogical to you. I'm sure bad things are for good purposes in his infinitely infinite wisdom." Satan said playfully, repeating some of the lines St Peter had used eons ago.

"I won't be swayed by your words. I know my beliefs are true."

"I know what you believe, you always shout it from your cloudy palace. Sing about it too."

"That helping you is a..." St Peter began harshly before clearing his throat, "is a necessary part of the Lord's plan."

Satan grinned, how many millions more of these talks would it take before he was truly tempted? "But you didn't call just to express your hate of me, did you?"

"So about this hellspawn on my list. No true child of the Lord would insist on going to your place of suffering when they could know peace and love.

Satan snorted, "I told you my shipments were short, but you said I was lying. Instead you were arrogant. I told you not to trust Ukerburg with that data. Instead, you kept using suckerburg. I told you I was getting some of your lot, but you said I couldn't handle all the differences. Instead, it was you." his words carried the weight of a divine judge and Hell experienced a small earthquake in recognition, just enough to stir the dust.

"You can't put this on us. We are infallible."

"So it's my fault for allegedly outsmarting you? That'd still make you fallible."

"It'd just make you perfectly evil."

"Whatever man. So are you ready to use my list to make adjustments or..."

"Absolutely not. I'm no fool. I'll have to do it the long way until we can figure out how you hacked Ukerburg, but we should discuss what to do about this one."

A folder came across the system and Satan flicked thru the files. When he came to the notated conversation, "I don't really believe propaganda. Well... I probably did, but not that obvious shit like Hell is pure evil and Satan tempts for pure evil." he began laughing until he cried and hail began pouring from the sky.

"You made that up right? There's no way you actually called me perfectly evil right after the kid said that. You'd always called me pure evil so as to not accuse me of perfection. That was you wasn't it?"

"As you see, he is clearly hellspawn. So what will you pay?" St Peter said, ignoring the taunts.

"Selling souls, my my, and they call me evil." Satan taunted, "We'll trade 4 of these perfectly adorable sheeple for him."

"Four, but why so many. Are they hellspawn you hope to try and sneak into Heaven."

"No, like I keep telling you. They are your people and there's only so many times you can torture the same person to death before it gets boring." Satan lied, torturing random souls had grown boring back during the dinosaurs, but there were a few special someones he'd play with for eternity.

"Hmm, they must be quite shattered by now." St Peter said.

"No, they're just super fucking annoying. I mean I'd rather deal with them than let you have them while you steal from me, but we're negotiating now."

"And is one of those souls named Tomas O'Hara?"

Satan hated dealing with the man, but all the frustration their talks caused was finally baring fruit. "Anything for you. And do feel free to call if you want the rest of yours back."

r/AurumArgenteus