...when you spend all your time locked in a lamp, eventually the one thing keeping you going is being an asshole.

People always talk about the problem of the wisher, but they forget- the wisher? A greedy bastard. You don't wish for these things unless you are. 'Oh, I want to be the richest person in the world.' Great, you plan to be another rich bastard. 'Oh, I want the love of the most beautiful person in the land'...do you even know the person? Creepy. 'Oh, I want eternal life'...it'll get boring after a while, and you're thinking about you and not everyone else. After seeing all these greedy people, you kind of like the chance to be an asshole. You have all this money? Great, your area will be razed and ransacked by thieves, and you'll be known as the worst for suddenly having it all. You want the love of this person? Shame they're going to make your life a living hell. You want eternal life? Shame you didn't ask for eternal youth- you'll shrivel and rot away into simple entropy. And if you did ask for eternal youth too? Enjoy living forever in the body of an infant.

Yes, I'm an asshole. But they deserve it.

But you know what I hate more than that? It's the people who think they're some altruist with their wishes- they're somehow bigger bastards than the greedy ones. At least the greedy person admits they're greedy and want what's best for themselves. The 'oh, I want world peace' types don't even have the guts to admit that they want world peace on their terms. They want a peace that makes their nation, their tribe, their viewpoint in the position of power. That's not world peace, it's not creating utopia, it's a greedy wish to be in power by someone who doesn't even have the dignity to just say 'I wish to rule the world.' I love twisting that around- I love showing these people that maybe there's no place for them in their perfect world. And if they do wish to be in power? Well, they're obviously someone who shouldn't have power, so I make them be hated and run out of power on a rail too.

Yes, I'm an asshole. But they deserve it.

And once you go through these things- you end up wary about anyone's wish. 'I wish for world hunger to be ended'...didn't say which species had it, but I'm sure the tigers are happy for humanity's sacrifice. 'I wish for [x] to have a happy life'...aww, that's so noble of you. Too bad your very existence causes their misery, just have to blip you out of existence. Tell the truth, I'm so sure these people are greedy and bitter I make it a point to find a way to ruin their wishes. Those guys in charge of monkey's paws had a good thing going.

Yes, I'm an asshole. But they deserve it.

At least I thought it- and then I had to be caught by a lawyer. I played his games for the first wish. Yes, he wished for eternal life...great, yeah, enjoy life imprisonment for a crime you didn't commit..."...and in the process, I want a normal standard of health sufficient to someone of my current age for the whole time, without any criminal or other punishments to this effect..." Shit. And if he's this smart, he likely has very few people he cares enough about to go with it. Ah, that's an idea- I'll give him true love every 30 or so years and make him watch them live their lives, only to lose them. That's good...

And time passes. Now he wants the power. Fine, there'll be a revolution and he'll face the guillotine, that worked that one time someone asked for i... "And I want a power where my leadership is seen as the most important, with a guaranteed approval rate to never drop below 51%, and an amount of monetary success equal to one million dollars a year..." Good, good. Hyper-inflation can happen, enjoy not being able to afford a loaf of bread even as world leader, and then you'll lose your power.

It keeps going, and the lawyer kept waiting and waiting. He tries rebuilding and fails. Then, he finally comes to me.

"I wish to free you..." , and then he opens a book. He wants my power, he wants to torture me, make me suffer, die. And I can't throw him in a lamp, he wished for his lamp to be the finest penthouse suite in the world, with no war or any form of act of god to ruin it...that's covered too. He...he worked this out. It's airtight. Almost every option is in, and it ends up making him the person in power and leaving me in the cold.

I was beaten.

"Your wish is granted."

I watched, and the man caught flame.

"Oh, sorry. You didn't wish to NOT be on fire..."

They always said nice guys finish last- thank God I'm an asshole.