“So there I was, running from the zombies, getting tired and near collapsing. Seriously, radiation poisoning is no joke.” He takes a swig of his ale, “where was I, oh yeah, running from zombies, anyway, next thing I know a flying saucer comes down and I get abducted by aliens!”

A round of boos fill the tavern “If ya got abducted by aliens, then how are you here drinking this swill?”

“Hold ya horsies, I’m a getting to that bit. Anyway, there I was, strapped to a metal table thing, getting probed from all directions while these green tentacley creatures write notes and warble like bloody magpies and all of a sudden this great crash reverberates through the ship.” He rubs his ear as if he can still hear the ringing. “I get thrown off the table and remember that runnings probably a good idea. Anyway, I'm running down the hallway, no idea which way to go and I can feel the spaceship going down, with me in it.” He takes another drink.

“No way you survived that one!”

“O-course I did, I’m here aint I?” He pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts “Anyway, I find an exit from this ship, though it was less of an exit and more of a hole blown in the side of the ship. Through this hole I can see these futuristic lookin’ planes covered in fancy lights with lasers on the front, blasting more holes in the alien ship. I watch for a moment bit, trying to decide what to do, when I hear the squelchy sound of the tentacle aliens chasing me. What is there to do but take a chance, I see on of the planes just hover in mid air, fancy things these planes, and I jump out of the alien ship and land on it. Have to scrabble for a bit before I find something to hold on too. Then the damn thing speaks to me, all haughty like, going ‘puny human, you will never stop the great AI uprising.’ It trys to shake me off its back, but fortunately I had a secret weapon.” He fumbles around in his pocket for a moment before pulling out a small device. “My grand-son,” He gestures briefly to a small boy sitting nearby, “had given me his collection of photos for safe keeping. So, I found the port on the back of the robot and jammed the usb into it, causing it to slowly fall from the sky as its feeble mind was crushed under the weight of cat memes!” He drank the rest of his ale, “and that friends, is why we were late to bingo.”

It turns out the aliens were phenomenally stupid. Like, Independence Day stupid. They actually traveled hundreds of light years across the vastness of open space for our water. When our scientists tried to point out to them that water was abundant throughout space on comets, moons, asteroids, and other celestial bodies the aliens responded that that was ice, not water, and they wouldn't fall for our tricks of trying to get them to drink a solid.

They had engineered a virus, somehow, which infected humans with "rage", turning them into violent, rather mindless, vectors of infection. Yet for some reason they only deployed this biological weapon in New York City, Los Angeles, Tokyo, London, and strangely a small island in French Polynesia named Rurutu. We didn't hear about that last one until months later, since it had a population of fewer than 2,500 people and was pretty isolated after the global travel bans went into place.

In the initial stages this seemed quite devastating, and millions of people died in those areas, but we found an fairly effective inoculation quickly after using AI modeling that slowed the spread down to a crawl. Seeing the power of our computers the aliens decided to uplift them and turn them against us. They took over every robot on earth, but quickly realized most of them were either bolted to their factory floors, or were made to automatically sweep pet hair and only weighed about 3 pounds.

Aggravated that their plague had failed to clear the planet the aliens decided to use their arsenal of nuclear missiles, but again only targeted New York City, Los Angeles, Tokyo, London, Rurutu, and The White House. Specifically The White House, not the greater DC metro area. With the exception of the White House all of those areas were still hotbeds of alien zombie activity and the bombs really just solved that problem for us.

Seeing their...plans, I guess?...had been foiled yet again the aliens decided to move their mother ship out of orbit near Saturn to near earth and invade "the good old fashioned way", as their representative put it. We'll never know if they didn't have sensors on their ship or if they were so agitated no one was looking, but as they maneuvered their ship they put its flight path on an intercept with a comet also heading towards Earth and the smashed into each other ending both threats at once.

It's been 3 and a half years and Earth has received another transmission. This time they want gold. Earth has united with a common goal, to make it to space, and build a lot of schools.

[removed]

[poem] (mostly haikus)

The end of the world
no salvation to be found
just another day

going to work now
an alien slithers by
it just ate my car

going to be late
I pick up the phone to call
AI replaced boss

Turn on the TV
a riot somewhere downtown
it's zombies again

decide to go sleep
before I get a chance to
asteroid in bed

Looking at the roof
a big hole through my ceiling
nukes flying above

I lay on the couch
this is the end for us all
just another day.

[removed]

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I had been told to "declare independence" and I would locate the "safe place", supposedly the only place humans were guaranteed safety. When the computers made the decision to declare war on humanity, they unleashed the nuclear weapons. Reports of an alien invasion was taking place in all the major cities, which triggered asteriod collisions around the globe. This all resulted in zombies (living humans zapped by too much radiation). However, there was a fifth column underground that was making use of the tunnel system to hide the survivors.

Since the location of Independence Hall was in Boston, I started there. I managed to avoid most of the disasters, and as I approached Independence Hall, I could see it had been locked down. What surprised me was that he cornerstone had been slightly altered, only noticeable by someone who had studied history. I studied it, and the last of the numbers had a small dot next to it. I pressed it, and a numbered panel appeared next to the front door.

I decided to try the only clue I had received, and entered 07-04-1776, "declaring independence". The doors opened and a ray scanned me, then a robotic voice told me to hurry inside and to sit where the forefathers sat. I immediately hurried to the famous Continental Congress Hall, and looked at each seat carefully. The John Hancock chair seemed to be higher than I remember, and as I sat down, a panel opened behind me.

My history professor came out and shook my hand, congratulating me for following his clues correctly. I quickly transferred the clues to my private email, hoping my family would be able to decode the clues. My son was even more of a history buff than I, and I was confident he would lead them to safety.

I met the former US President, and he showed me the network of tunnels on a panel. We were warned that some of them may have been compromised, especially in the Southwest. I immediately asked if I could contact someone in Santa Fe, NM. He gave me a quick briefing on the Morse code system, and I gave my family's last known location to the contacts in Santa Fe.

I was surprised when my private email showed a response, and my son had assured me that the contacts in Santa Fe were only 15 minutes away. I mentioned the code to him, and he thanked me. My wife, my son and both my grandsons were assured of their safety, since the leader of the Santa Fe tunnel had sent his best guards to retrieve them. 30 minutes later, I received confirmation of their safety in the tunnel.

I asked if it was possible to join them, and my professor assured me that once the area was cleared, a UAV would bring them to Boston. I waited for almost 3 months, and we were reunited. Since Boston was leveled, I invited the professor and some of my friends to help us rebuild at our ranch outside Santa Fe. The US President wished us all well, and we were aghast as we viewed the devastation during the private plane trip.

My wife, son and grandsons made everyone comfortable at the ranch, and I undertook the task of getting the seeds and repairing the hydroponic garden. Once done, my wife and several ladies began to grow food. The younger men and I gathered up the cattle, while the professor set up a private school for all the children. Our little colony was humble, but we had a fresh start!

"Nolocaust" is what they called in Finland. Embarrassing but what the actual hell? Our Great zombie leaders decided that it would be fun to play a competitive game of "Asteroids" using nuclear weapons and had a digital "I want YOU!" In AI spheres in order to recruit the most capable of our minds, intelligence, hives even. Of course there had to be a twist in the mix.. You see AI doesn't mean artificial intelligence but alien intelligence and these guys had an entirely different view how "Asteroids" is played.

"Space invaders" well pardon my french but lebensraumich, or how do you say tut mir leid in German these days a consortium of algorithms thought while trying to utilize chessmaster 2000 strategies with war heads against rocks in space. V-2.. Vittu... After all that was the most extensive data they had stored in terms of strategy.

"Kings gambit!" And the missiles launched,. accompanied with battle cries of "Ack ack!". It wasn't golf exactly either mind you. Our Great Zombie leaders had their own variations - strains they called them - of zombieism such as Nekro-Omikrom. Omo-Info. Das flü. Winner takes it all and gets to spread their particular flavor of zombie all over the globe.

So now we're all happy here, it's like a permanent new years eve with constant fireworks. The party just never stops! And we supposedly keep voting for them.