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SirPiecemaker t1_iwx07n5 wrote

"Report," the violet-tinted cloud commanded through a series of flashes of varying intensity.

"They call themselves 'humans', sir," the crystalline creature in front of them replied with a voice that was rough and coarse, yet oddly soothing. "I believe you'll find some of their attributes... peculiar."

"Is that so? Do go on."

"Some basics - physical prowess is an alephar grade. Deceptively resilient, short lifespan, limited offensive capabilities. A flexible species with a shocking amount of variety, but nothing we haven't seen before. The planet itself is not entirely remarkable. Mostly water, high biodiversity, some specimens could be used for research."

"Go on," the cloud flickered.

"On a civilization scale, they're brahmen. Spacefaring and largely peaceful with only occasional squabbles over minor disputes. Their history shows their war-like nature used to be far worse. And, well... this is the interesting part. Their intellect. It's oolke," the crystal growled.

"And that is interesting... how?" the cloud blinked incredulously. "They're a versatile, resilient species with a reasonably capable society that are a bit... on the dim side. Why are you telling me that?"

"Their intellect is oolke, but their combined mathematical knowledge is... I- I'm not sure how to describe it. Here, see for yourself."

The crystal pushed forward a slightly moist globule of dark-blue mass that the cloud turned towards. The mass hummed quietly.

"Fission, space-faring for the last 266 cycles, gravity slingshots... grav- gravity drive?" the cloud gasped. "They've... they've constructed a gravity drive?!"

"Before you ask, sir, I've quadruple-checked. They are, in fact, oolke class."

"How does an oolke tier species create a gravity drive? We've been trying to make one for the last 745 cycles!"

"Sir... they're incredibly irresponsible."

The cloud stared at the crystal silently.

"The- the experiments they've conducted over the past several hundred years, sir, they've done them with reckless abandon. Before they created the gravity drive, they created several miniature black holes that went out of control. They, uh... used to have a moon."

"Used to?"

"A black hole swallowed it."

The two creatures pondered the situation in silence.

"Sir, what do we do now?" the crystal asked.

"I'll be honest," the cloud replied slowly. "I'm not sure if we should give them funds for research... or stop them immediately."

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Truckerontherun t1_iwxa00w wrote

Human president: What do you mean we used to have a moon?

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livebeta t1_iwxt1oo wrote

> What do you mean we used to have a moon?

-- Chrisjen Avasarala

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SMAMtastic t1_iwxz26b wrote

What the fuck do you mean we used to have a god damned moon?!?!

— Chrisjen Avasarala

FTFY

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cheeseitmeatbags t1_iwy409l wrote

Nobody could curse quite like Avasarala

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Mastrovator t1_iwy7dly wrote

“Don’t stick your dick in it Holden, it’s fucked enough already.”

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MaxamillionGrey t1_ix01oou wrote

I don't know. Old Indian guys swearing at each other could be the pinnacle.

"I WILL FUCK YOU, BUDDY! BEHENCHOD!"

I love it.

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livebeta t1_iwzh1qr wrote

Samuel L Jackson: surprised Pikachu face

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livebeta t1_iwycqct wrote

brilliant

I heard that in her deep raspy voice

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Kairamek t1_iwxy2t6 wrote

The tide goes out, the tide comes in. You can no longer explain that.

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DirtyHazza t1_iwy0xo0 wrote

Unless you have the exact mass of the moon, concentrated in a black hole orbiting in the same location. Then it continues as normal even though you can't see the black hole's gravitational lensing from earth's surface with the naked eye

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Masterfactor t1_iwylw9a wrote

A black hole moon could be a useful telescope

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SMS-T1 t1_iwymalt wrote

Would also be an excellent name for a indie metal bands debut album.

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cybervseas t1_iwyq1ua wrote

Black hole moon

Gone too soon

To push away the tides

Black home mo~on

Gone too soon

Gone too so~on

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Raz0rking t1_iwykiiw wrote

Davids face after that one was priceless. Even more so when you understand the context of it.

The Bill one sees there is a character switched on, wich took David completely by surprise.

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Dirty-Soul t1_iwyjmf1 wrote

Well, we had a moon... sips coffee ... It fell in the hole.

-President Tomska

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DinosaurianStarling t1_iwznogq wrote

"I would build a great black hole, and nobody builds holes better than me, and I'll build it very inexpensively. I'll build a great great hole along the orbit of the moon and I'll have the moon colony pay for it." - Donald Trump the Fourth of the American Monarchy

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glasswings t1_iwzhslb wrote

Technically we still do, it's that funny dimple in the star field.

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Ketheres t1_iwx9rcl wrote

Fund that research! I want to see a star turned into a torus, for science ^(and giggles)!

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LeftDave t1_iwxp5pu wrote

>Fund that research! I want to see a star turned into a torus, for science and giggles

We're crazy. We know how to create a black hole bomb that (if prevented from detonating) would produce power until the heat death of the universe. It's material limitations stopping us, not the underlying science. We also figured out how to turn the entire Sol System into a starship (bonus points for adding a few tens of billion years to Sol's lifespan) just so a YouTube channel could justify a video.

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Ranakastrasz t1_iwxsaaq wrote

As much as I want to say it wasn't for the purposes of a YouTube channel, it is far more amusing that way.

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Zyukar t1_iwxuku2 wrote

And that YouTube channel is inspiring a whole generation of people to be crazy

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JonArc t1_iwxxcb4 wrote

Careful, they might end up in a parallel universe where the parallel version of their species ascribes so an even more destructive philosophy.

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MYule90 t1_iwxqdnk wrote

"They're incredibly irresponsible" is my new favorite description for humanity, thank you

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SnooTomatoes2397 t1_iwxr5ue wrote

Small nit pick, the radiation made from a mini black hole from the moon would kill everyone on earth.

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SirPiecemaker t1_iwxw2ul wrote

Uuuh... uh... science... stuff? We did science stuff to stop that, yeah.

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thephantom1492 t1_iwyg6k9 wrote

Well, we would have solved that with a shield of some sort, because having a black hole instead is more interessing!

We could even get rid of all of our trash! Just send it in the black hole and gone!

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Impossibu t1_iwxwbix wrote

Earth must be screwed if we have no moon.

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PM_ME_YOUR_NAUGHTIEZ t1_iwy0z6c wrote

The moon is gone, but matter cannot be created or destroyed, so the mass is still there.. probably on a similar trajectory and orbit.

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RuneRW t1_iwye0xi wrote

Yep, a black hole the mass of the moon in the same orbit wouldn't change anything. Although a black hole eclipse sounds fun, I imagine it wouldn't be large enough to be visible from earth with the naked eye.

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Raderg32 t1_iwyignj wrote

Would the lensing effect concentrate the solar rays to make a laser like a magnifying glass to an anthill?

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PM_ME_UR_PET_POTATO t1_iwyk7kx wrote

It's still only the mass of the moon at the end of the day, so probably not? I don't think density matters here.

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Raderg32 t1_iwykp3m wrote

It does, since it would be so much smaller it would change the position of the focal point to be much closer.

A black hole with the mass of the moon would be 0.1mm. All that gravity in such a small area would make it strong enough to bend light, but being that small I don't think it would be very noticeable.

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NeVMiku t1_iwypl5d wrote

You'll have to get the focal point just right as well. There's nothing saying (yet) that it will be the perfect distance.

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Seiren- t1_ix2eyik wrote

The moon doesnt, so I don’t think so?

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Psalmbodyoncetoldme t1_ix3orqr wrote

It would barely be large enough to be seen in your hand with the naked eye (before your hand and body brutally contorts and gets sucked into it.)

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almost_practical t1_iwz95oe wrote

"They're incredibly irresponsible" made me audibly laugh 👍

I enjoyed it, good story

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Rick-476 t1_iwzh8he wrote

This makes humanity the kobolds of the galaxy.

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SirPiecemaker t1_iwzux0v wrote

I was thinking gnomes, honestly. They're stereotypically irresponsible. Lots of stuff blowing up.

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