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Fontaigne t1_iycg6wr wrote

Reply to comment by WIHachillies in [WP] You are a superhero whose civilian identity is a teacher. One student asked if you could tutor them after school, and you agreed. After it was over, you escorted them to the front of the school for their parent to pick them up... and you see your nemesis waiting by the car. by SomeSortOfUser

Okay, some pronoun confusion at the start. "Their" could have been "Inanoi Middle school's", and "she" would reference Nox. If you reorder it a bit, you can eliminate that kathunk.

Something on the order of

>Nox watched Nay as she blah blah.

However, two characters with three letter non-gendered names in a single paragraph is an unnecessary barrier to the reader for a flash story. Ah, looks like you changed to Amber and missed the first paragraph?

>playfully ruffled

Nope nope nope. Teachers do not touch kids.

>rubbed against her leg

WTF. Your "hero" is a molester? And has convinced the kid to change her name?

SMDH.

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WIHachillies t1_iycolsr wrote

Thank you for your critique !! I was kinda out of it I was writing mostly, I was working on some homework but that's no excuse !!

I wasn't thinking of Nox being a molester. And that wasn't a reason why Nox convinced to change her name, There was another reason that haven't been revealed yet. I asked a couple of my friends and they said it's okay for teachers to touch kids as long as it isn't like that. I imagined as it as playfully ruffling. But i understand, I'll rewrite it :))

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