Carrieka23 t1_ixopo8a wrote on November 25, 2022 at 2:26 AM

It's Time to be Thankful

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"Shut up!" I shouted, throwing the paper to the ground. I don't know what kind of face I am pulling right now on my mother. Hatred, Anger, Sadness, all three? More?

"You never understand me, you never try to!"

"What are you talking about? I always try to understand you!"

"Liar!"

Walking past her, I walked to the front door and open it. Without looking back, I slam the door shut.

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"So, let me get this straight. Y'all are fighting because she was saying some stuff about you?"

"My mom just don't understand me, Ryan! Every time I would relax, she would get mad".

"Come on man, not on Thanksgiving," Ryan sighs, standing up. "Look, you can stay here and play video games with me. But at some point, you have to go back home to your mother".

"You think I want to right now?"

"Who knows, she's probably upset and crying right now," He shrugged, pulling out Civilization V. "So, shall we?"

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After a while of playing, we both got bored.

"Oh, it's getting late. We about to celebrate our Thanksgiving. You should go home".

I groaned. "Do I have to, man?"

"I want you and your mother to make up and experience true Thanksgiving".

"Which is?" I sarcastically asked.

"Being thankful that your mother alive, she was the only one who raise you after all. The least you could do is be thankful".

"You do got a point there, man," I sigh. "Sometimes, I just hate how much she put pressure on herself".

"And the son made it worst by yelling-"

"Shut up," I groaned, standing up. "Alright alright! I going to make thinks right".

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Opening the door, I could smell something good from the kitchen. It was my favorite food. Fried Chicken, Green Beans, Rice. Quickly running to the kitchen, I noticed that I was alone.

"..." I bit my lip. I want to celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom. I just yelled at her, and it was selfish of me. But I want to make things right.

"M-Mom!" I shouted.

Mother walk downstairs, hearing my voice. Her eyes were bloodshot, looks like she been crying for hours.

"M-Mom," My voice cracked. All the memories begin flooding to my mind. From my fifth birthday up to yesterday when she baked me a cake. And all I repaid her was those cruel words.

"You don't have to say it, dear. College is just stressful for you," She whispers, wiping down my tears.

I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to me. "Mom, can we have a nice Thanksgiving?"

"Anything for you, sweetface".

A smile slowly begins to form on my face.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Mom".

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Tomorrow_Is_Today1 t1_ixxyid8 wrote on November 27, 2022 at 6:23 AM

Good words, Haru! Loved your piece. The dialogue really carries it along.. And of course you had to make it emotional at the end 😭

One thing I think editing could really improve is tenses. This is evident in a few places where you switch between past and present, like "I wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom ... I want to make things right." You also use "would" in a few places, like "I would walk to the front door and open it" and "I would notice that I was alone", and I think the sentences would (ha) be better without it. The would kinda makes it seem uncertain, like this is something the character isn't actually doing but thinking about doing.

I'd also love to have more context into this character's life and what they're going through with their mom. We get a good sense of how they're feeling that day, but I'd like to have a little bit more into maybe why or how long it's been like this for them. Not a requirement (and I know wordcount is limited), but you got me interested.

Overall, awesome job! These snapshots throughout the day work well I think in developing the story and packing a punch. Good words!

Restser t1_iy5ot86 wrote on November 28, 2022 at 10:57 PM

Hey, Carrieka23. Thanks for the opportunity to read your work and comment.

Tomorrow_Is_Today1 has already pointed out things like tense consistency and characterisation. My main feedback is about point of view (PoV). You are using first person past tense narration. I think first person present tense or third person past tense would be better. The latter is easier. Also, the plot structure is predictable and lacks a compelling driver for your MC's change of heart.

Argument - flight - consoling - [what touches MC's soul?] - climb down - denouement

Have all the memories come to MC because he sees in his friend's desire for dinner with his own family, something that is missing for your MC himself. A story like this can really tug on the heartstrings and leave the reader weeping. It would be great to see you work on this story and find out what you do with it. Cheers.