As attorney for Jack, I'm glad you feel that way. It proves you haven't thought the case through, and your attempt to slander my client in the public eye is both vile and actionable.

There is nothing illegal about purchase or possession of magic beans or beanstalks, so any such claims are merely an attempt to prejudice the jury pool, who have experienced recent predations by cannibal witches. You have managed to distract the public from your abject failure to enforce building code, despite the obvious nature of the attractive hazard presented by a gingerbread house, and the child endangerment that you were therefore party to. And you had the gall to charge Gretel despite her self defense. I prevailed representing her in that travesty of a case, and this case shall fare no different.

There is no trespass, since the place Jack arrived was unposted in all ways, and is not recognized or recognizable as a dwelling under your own local laws. If the giant's house, as it is referenced, were in THIS jurisdiction, then it would violate code egregiously, being especially hazardous and not accessible to healthy persons, let alone the handicapped.

Similarly, the alleged theft is not in your jurisdiction, and those charges will be naturally dismissed via a preremptory appeal, and all references to them will be held from the jury as prejudicial. Any items in Jack's possession on Jacks property are salvage, belonging to Jack.

Which leaves you with a charge of, what, self defense from a crazed giant? Is that illegal in this town?

You've already mentioned trespass. The beanstalk in question was on whose property? It belonged to whom? So who was trespassing, with intent to murder? You are attacking another child, for defending themself against another cannibal, who yelled in front of witnesses that he would "grind Jacks bones to make my bread".

Wonderful case you have there. Yes, please, feel sorry for me. But remember how attacking another child for defending himself against cannibals will look.

When you lose.

Jack destroyed Jack's property, the beanstalk, to defend himself from a cannibal trespasser. The giant was in no danger if he had merely stayed home, and fixed his house to match the building code, instead of attempting to kill and eat my client.

So... good luck with your prosecution.

You will lose, without a doubt.

However, to simplify everyone's lives, we are willing to make a deal.

What do you say about a charge of.... littering?

Yours

R Stiltskin, Esq.

Love this take! I was hoping other fairy tales would be the focus and not just Goldilocks and you delivered