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Cringehipster t1_irod8xa wrote

"Before I became an Alpha Orc, I was lonely and weak. No orcess wanted me. I used to sleep several hours a day, practically chained in my bed. Then I woke up and decided I wasn't happy with my life. I wanted to be a better orc, to be on top of all the other orcs. This started with me standing up straighter. I see so many orcs out there with slumped shoulders. Height is the biggest contributor in status with all the other orcs." The orc guru takes a sip of water. In front of him are thousands of orcs hanging at his every word. These orcs are tired of being called goblins and taking lower-paying jobs. The orc guru continues,

"This is how you become better. This is how you get to the top. Take Cold showers, lift heavier rocks, and talk to Orcessa's." Two fine orc women stand next to the guru's shoulders. With a smirk on the guru's face, the orcs imagined themselves as the guru, wishing they were like him. "If you take my ten-step guide on how to be an Alpha orc, you'll be living your best life. In addition, you're guaranteed a date with the Orcessa of your dreams."

One orc, going by the name, Slakjaw, is bought in. He beats all the others to being first in line to receive his ten-step guide. When he arrived at his hut, he flopped down on the bed, flipping through the pages of the manual. The first step,

  1. Don’t slouch.

  2. Take a shower.

  3. Get a haircut.

  4. Make eye contact.

  5. Don’t use filler words like um or uh.

  6. Get exercise.

  7. Get good sleep.

  8. Save money.

  9. Eat healthily.

  10. Buy my next course.

What a load of crap thought Slakjaw. Steps 6 and 7 could have been one chapter. What a fraud! He must think he’s special because he discovered how to stand taller. Newsflash! Everyone can fix their posture! If everyone had great posture, no one would be at the top.

Then an idea, Slakjaw went to his boots and eyed them. He looked at his napkins and stuffed them in the boots, then crammed his feet into them before standing up. Looking in the mirror, it reflects him smirking back at him. Wait till the clan sees this!

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