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GentlePenetration t1_iu4a7h1 wrote

Reply to comment by Mooses_little_sister in [WP] "I WILL NOT LISTEN TO THIS ANY LONGER" "But Your Majesty, the prophe-" "You want me to send a GODDAMN TEENAGER TO FIGHT WHEN WE HAVE TRAINED SOLDIERS" by JustLostInInternet

Kind of strange.

She doesn't want teenagers involved but gets herself involved, knowing she herself is actually a teenager (which completely comes out of left field with no foreshadowing), by for the first time ever working against the clergy? And she isn't actually aging?

Writing style is nice but the plot mechanics itself are kind of all over the place.

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zulako17 t1_iu4fzdg wrote

I don't think it's as off as you're saying. 1) it's not that she doesn't want teenagers involved. Its that she doesn't want to sacrifice a teenager who doesn't understand what they're stepping into. Especially since it sounds like the priest was going to send the teenager alone. 2) while she might not be aging, I don't see why you assumed the case. She could have been recently appointed to throne or served up to 4 years and still would have been a teenager when she took the throne.

That said I definitely think her being a teenager was more because it's a plot twist than anything else.

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mattzuma77 t1_iu4vrnr wrote

I thought that the fact she appeared in her 40s was a twist lol; "I don't want an innocent teenager going to battle, but we need a teenager, so I'll go instead"

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Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6eocr wrote

Hello! It wasn't really just for a plot twist, but I did enjoy it as one. I based the character off of someone I read about in one of Ursala K. Le Guin's novels, though I could never hope to match her talent.

Also I agree with your numbered points, and because the girl was simply a mouthpiece, she only had to be old enough to speak clearly the words they gave her, when she ascended the throne.

Thank you for reading!

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UpstairsIntel t1_iu5yu0v wrote

Having a gimmick or plot twist for the sake of having one is a terrible reason to have one. Just tell us what actually happened; you were writing and forgot where you were headed so you came up with something before checking with what was already established/made sense, so we got a plot twist that made 0 sense. It’s ok, it happens.

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Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6f6ra wrote

Thank you for reading and engaging! I didn't have the plot twist just for the sake of having one, but I know that I probably didn't put enough foreshadowing in to give a hint of the twist. (which can happen when I don't have a lot of time to edit... stupid full time job.)

I was heading for the idea of her being a teenager and rebelling against the priesthood, for the first time in front of witnesses so that she could escape from under their thumb, and hopefully perhaps take them down.

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throwaway47138 t1_iu4j926 wrote

As I see it, she refuses to let them sacrifice another teenager for their goals, one who knows nothing and is essentially just another victim. She's already a victim, and she's well aware of what she's getting into. Plus, she apparently has some power on her side, not to mention likely her own people who are loyal to her rather than the priesthood. Yes, her being a glamoured teenager is a little bit Deus Ex Machina, but I still liked it.

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Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6fc1k wrote

Thank you! And yeah, a little Deus Ex Machina, but if the ancient greeks used to do it, I can do it too once in a while :)

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Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6ebvv wrote

Hello! Thank you for reading and engaging. I was more thinking along the lines of the priesthood raised her for the throne, but because they controlled every decision, every word out of her mouth, every part and parcel of her life, she didn't have to be very old when she took the throne. Just old enough to speak. (You are probably right about the foreshadowing, but it was a shorter piece and sometimes I struggle with that when I don't have a lot of time to edit. )

She is aging, as usual for a human, and has hit the rebellious teenager stage... which is why she is for the first time rebelling against the clergy. And she did it, in front of everyone so the priesthood couldn't sweep it under the rug.

And like another commenter said, she doesn't want another teenager getting involved, so she's going herself. (And maybe she can run away from the priesthood, or arrange some interesting accidents for them along the way.)

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scottyspot t1_iu6qi7g wrote

I figured she had the power do de-age herself to 17 from say, 45.

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Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6qwy0 wrote

Thank you for reading! It could be as you said, and if perhaps I was to make this a feature-length story sometime down the road, I may use that idea, or fidget with the age so it makes a little more sense.

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allagrl t1_iu4r8yn wrote

Personally, it would have made more sense if they said she was 18 or 19, if they were going off of real history. But even still...

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Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6fgz8 wrote

True, if I was going off of real history, but I wasn't really. It was more supposed to be a fantasy story :) Thank you for reading!

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cvc_tli t1_iu7toa6 wrote

I understood it as she didn't want more teenagers involved. She was already involved - she was a teenager installed as the Queen by the priests (hence the disdain and lack of respect) with an aging glamour to fool the masses. Thus, she's doing the quest instead of another teenager, seeing as she fulfills the prophecy.

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Phage0070 t1_iu5ldbm wrote

Also in a practical sense how do you install a queen that is supposedly in her forties but is actually much younger? How would you explain where she came from if you are missing a good 20 or so years from her life? How do you fake the parentage of a queen?

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Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6fpl9 wrote

Hello! Thank you for reading and engaging! I was going with the idea of her being installed with an illusion of course, when she was very young, but at least able to speak clearly, as she is just a mouthpiece for the priesthood.

(The snarky answer of course, to how you fake a parentage, is you do it cleverly. But it's said in a joking manner :)

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Phage0070 t1_iu6n2uc wrote

> I was going with the idea of her being installed with an illusion of course, when she was very young, but at least able to speak clearly, as she is just a mouthpiece for the priesthood.

What I was getting at is that even if she was installed when she was 10 years old and given a script to read from, she would have an illusion to make her look 30-something years old. But unless she was emulating someone who actually existed, that person would apparently have come out of thin air. How would they get around the concept that this woman who was presumably a princess or some kind of royalty beforehand had never been met or even seen before that point?

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Mooses_little_sister t1_iu6qi3x wrote

There could have been a sudden death of the previous king/queen, who left behind no legitimate heir, so that the country had to be scoured for a bastard child, or a cousin, or a remote relative. If the priesthood was on top of things, they could have even murdered the king/queen, when they were ready to have their puppet put on the throne, and then after a good amount of searching had elapsed, present her as the fully-fledged 30-year-old that is the best option around. They might even pick the look of someone that actually existed and murder them too to cover their tracks. (Of course if the priesthood is that good, it might be difficult to get away from them/dismantle them)

But yeah, if I was writing a feature-length story, I might change the age, or work out the plot holes a little more in the edits so that it is easier to enjoy!

Cheers, and once again thanks for reading!

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