I can tell who's coming from the way they apparate now. Belial does the classic "born from a fireball" entrance and stinks up the shop with the smell of brimstone. He has the whole Minotaur look and speaks Aramaic. Everything about him is so classic.

Beelzebub does the "clawing out of the earth" thing which is terrifying.

My favourite is Baphomet. He can take any form, including human forms and will converse in English. I study history so I tentatively gave him a book of history's most evil dictators, and he's shown up as Pol Pot and Mussolini once. It's the highlight of my month.

The door goes "ding" and the heavy steps of Joseph Stalin approach the counter. He is decked in full uniform, his steely mustache gleans in the light. I can't believe it. He slowly removes the peaked cap and sets it on the counter running his hand through the greying hair. He says something in slow deliberate voice.

I look at him and the gears in my head go spinning. Was that Russian or Georgian? Ugh I can't tell. What language did Stalin converse in? I dig deep in the memory vaults. I come up empty. But... I rember his original surname

"Good evening to you Mr Jughashvili"

Baphomet cracks a smile and replies in English "well done he says" as he hands me a roll of Soviet banknotes.

He then orders the darkest roast for the darkest lord.

Feeling a little braver now I ask "why not take sugar and milk"

"And how would that please the dark lord?" He asks, sensing I have something for him

I had saved a ripped page out of an insurance booklet just for this occasion.

"Look: fat and sugar kill WAY more people than caffeine. Their death count is insane. What's darker than that?"

He looks at the graph for a few seconds, nodding with satisfaction.

"Let's get both kinds then. In case the Dark Lord does not accept your argument, though I think he will"

From that day on, it was triple sugar, full fat milk.