“$5.99! You gotta be shitting me! I used to be able to get them for $.99 down at Barrel O’ Monkeys across the street”

“Then get them across the street… oh wait Barrel O’ Monkeys went out of business thirty years ago!” He clapped back “Probably because they didn’t sell things for what they were worth and went under!”

Jeff sneered and put another dollar on top of the $5 already on the counter. “And I’ll have my change” he folded his arms and tapped his foot petulantly like a toddler who had been told he can’t have cookies.

A man slid into the store and made his way quietly towards the beer in the back.

“Things cost what they cost. First someone has to make them, package them, ship them out to the stores, then I put them on the shelves and it’s costing me money while it sits there until you come in and purchase it. Honestly it’s a modern miracle that it only costs $5.99 in the first place. There was this grape I ate in Syria back in the old days and that had been stored in this clay pot and transported from… now where was it from again”

The man at the back came bursting up to the counter a handgun thrust forward menacingly. “Everybody be cool this is a robbery! Any of you fucking pigs move and I’ll execute every mutha fucking last one of ya!”

“Look at Tarantino over here” he chuckled “Jeff you should probably leave this to me” Jeff grabbed his things, gave a wave, and moved for the door.

“…I said don’t move!” The robber shouted. He grabbed at Jeff’s collar and yanked him backwards. Quicker that he could react the man behind the counter caught Jeff from falling and whisked him out the door. The robber stood there confused. As the store clerk came back in he was smoking and he locked the door behind him. “Ruined a perfectly good jacket doing that” he said to no one in particular. The robber unloaded his pistol into him. “Well that was rude” the smoke coming off the clerk was beginning to abate. The freshly punched hole in his shirt and chest were dry.

The robber stood there shaking. This wasn’t how it was meant to go. In and out in 60 secs. No muss no fuss. This was all wrong.

“I’m sorry” the robber said genuinely “I don’t know what I was thinking”.

“It’s ok but you can’t go around waving that thing at people. What if you had hurt Jeff? Denise would have been very sad”

“Who is Denise?” The robber ventured

“Oh that’s his long suffering girlfriend. They’ve been together on and off since high-school. She is really lovely”

“Can I just go?” He asked

“Well you could but I locked the door. I’ve also sent a text message to the sherif so I expect he’ll want to word with you. I better take that before he gets here.” He motioned towards the gun and the robber just handed it to him defeated.

“You aren’t from around here are you?”

“I’m just passing through. I ran out of money a couple of counties over but just ran out of gas a way down the road.” He was on the verge of tears.

“So you thought you’d just make a quick buck and then what?”

“Honestly I hadn’t really thought it through.”

“Well you should have filled your car up first if you had. Price of petrol these days it would have been worth more than the cash register.” The man nodded.

“So what happens now?” He asked.

“Well we can wait for the sherif to arrive. He normally plays golf on Tuesdays so he’ll be 10-15mins away. So we have some time to kill.” The robber suddenly bolted for the doors and confirming they were locked frantically searched for another exit.

“I don’t think that will help. But feel free to tire yourself out if you’d like” the clerk watched him like a snake watches a mouse that had been lowered into his cage.

“Look man you could just let me go. You don’t seem to be any worse for wear and I’m really sorry that I shot you. But no harm no foul right?”

The clerk smiled and tapped his incisor with a long finger nail. “No harm. No foul. But there was harm. I had to run Jeff outside. Couldn’t have you shooting my best customer. It’s pretty bright out and that caused me to burn. So there is some harm there. Plus you shot me and ruined my shirt. There is foul there”

“Look mister I’m really sorry about all of that and if I had known you were… what are you? A vampire?” The clerk nodded.

“I blend in so well I know”

“Ok well if I had known you were a vampire I never would have come in here. And if the sherif comes and locks me up that’ll be my third strike and I don’t think I can survive in prison again”

“I don’t think you’ll need to worry about that”

“You didn’t text the sherif did you”

He shook his head.