Submitted by AliciaWrites t3_11n2zms in WritingPrompts
FyeNite t1_jcbcbf2 wrote
Reply to comment by oracleofaal in [TT] Theme Thursday - Journalism by AliciaWrites
Hey oracle!
Wow, this was good. Like, really good. I loved just the casual nature of this, the building tension underneath. Just everything about it.
> “Yeah,” Nathaniel sighed ruefully, “I did get to do that.”
Lines like this for instance. That classic moment where you think all the tension has gone until suddenly, it all snaps. And I think you execute that switch so well.
Not to mention the mirthlessness this sentence has too.
Very very well done!
I do just have a few bits and bobs for you,
> He scanned the pages of his newspaper idly until a second gentleman in a blue suit perched on the other end of the bench and stared at the swift current of the river just beyond the footpath.
This was just a super long sentence. I'd suggest cutting it down some? Or maybe adding a period or two.
> he scrabbled to grab the knife. Nathaniel pulled the knife out
There was just a bit of repetition of "knife" here. I think you could very easily remove one.
> “The Seer got one right at least.”
And finally, did it though? The Seer predicted that the person would be stabbed in the back, right? But Eddie wasn't. He was stabbed in the throat. Or are you taking a different meaning of stabbed in the back here?
I hope this helps.
God Words!
oracleofaal t1_jcd5k62 wrote
Thanks Fye!
I'm sure if the edit of that sentence is better or worse but we'll find out in campfire I imagine.
Removed the knife repetition, I must have missed it in the last edit.
And Eddie was stabbed in the back six times. He just also happened to be stabbed in the throat. So the Seer was mostly right? I debated the ending the most I think and rewrote it several times.
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