Blu_Spirit t1_jc541i2 wrote on March 14, 2023 at 2:31 AM

Reply to comment by blackbird223 in [TT] Theme Thursday - Journalism by AliciaWrites

Blackbird,

I love this story, how you describe Shahid, both in appearance and personality. Also the description of the compound (prison?) that he had been incarcerated in was fantastic.

Some small crit here - This paragraph felt a little disorganzied to me.

>As he shambled over, he took some grim satisfaction at the many other guards that fell in behind him. He had been captured by an extremist group while trying to gain evidence of the horrific crimes they had committed, but the troops sent to seize him hadn’t expected a six-foot-four giant using a telephoto lens as a flail. He’d sent three men to the infirmary.

The phrase "guards that fell in behind him" to me indicates that they are following him in a single file line. Maybe a better way to explain it would be "he took some grim satisfaction at the memory of the guards that he had taken down with him. The troops sent to seize him as he tried to gain evidence of their horrific crimes were not prepared for a six-foot-four giant using a telephoto lens as a flail. He'd sent three men to the infirmary before being subdued." Just a suggestion, take it with a grain of salt (I know word count may get in the way here, too).

I would like to see more of the sniper. Why does she get credit for saving him? Is she the squad leader, or just the best shot?

Overall, though, you painted a wonderful scene within the constraints here, and have definitely caught my interest in this story and what they do next!

blackbird223 t1_jc5iezf wrote on March 14, 2023 at 4:37 AM

Hey Blu_Spirit, thanks for the crit!

I'm going to ask you a question. How much did I actually describe Shahid and the compound, and how much did I let the reader fill in? I don't believe I described the compound that much, and the only concrete details I gave of Shahid's appearance were his height (6'4" or 193 cm) and build ("giant").

Thanks for pointing out that paragraph, though. It contained a lot of exposition awkwardly crammed into a very small space, and your suggestion got me to come up with a much better- and even more concise- formulation.

I now explain why Keener, the sniper, is credited with saving Shahid: she shot the guy who was about to execute him. That said, she's definitely the best shot, and probably the brains of the squad- snipers have to do a surprising amount of math to line up their shot. Honestly, I wish I could have talked more about Keener, but it just didn't feel right for this story. I've had both her and Shahid in my head for way, way too long, and I'm a bit glad I finally got to put them down on (virtual) paper.

Blu_Spirit t1_jc8bi6x wrote on March 15, 2023 at 12:45 AM

I think that your descriptions of both the compound and Shahid were perfect. Clear enough to get us started, but not overloading us. Even some of the way he walks, and the background, adds to the mental imagery of his character. As does little things like the compound having an execution spot away from the buildings, which probably have small, blacked out windows to limit light. His ability to take out three soldiers using his camera as a weapon only adds to the idea of his physique - I picture someone strong and agile.

Perhaps they can come up in some other stories, because I would love to see more of these characters.