Almost a year ago, I received a piece of paper in my mailbox that read "I know what you did 5 years ago". It was simple enough to track down who put the note in my mailbox between the number of hidden cameras outside my home, and a short period of time later, I had my neighbor unconscious, tied to a chair with a bag over their head. Typical stuff. They insisted the whole thing was a prank, but I couldn't take the risk they were telling the truth. It's a shame, kind partner, nice kids, I really liked them.

Since then, I've moved, changed my name again, can never be careful, you know? At least, that's what I thought until a day ago. At my new job, a co-worker showed me a post on Reddit, they thought the whole thing was hilarious, and I half heartedly laughed. For the first time since I took this new job, I told my boss I had to leave, said it was an emergency. And I didn't lie, it was an emergency. I just didn't realize how rusty my hacking skills were. Took far longer than it ever should have, but I did it.

What happened at that blacksite was between three people, my neighbor, myself, and God. For almost the last year, only two people knew. Then the internet knew. And now? Well, once something is on the internet, everyone knows, but I think I've done enough to where it should be back down to two.

>!For those reading in the future, I was inspired to combine these two prompts together, originally posted less than a day apart. https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/11q54rr/wp_when_you_wrote_i_know_what_you_did_5_years_ago/!<

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It was a perfectly ordinary Thursday, or at least that's what everyone thought. Unbeknownst to them, the universe was hiding a secret so absurd, so ineffably preposterous, that it could only be revealed on a day like this. And it all began with a blackout.

Reddit, the digital bastion of cat pictures and heated arguments about inconsequential matters, suddenly went dark. Users across the globe stared blankly at their screens, wondering how they'd ever fill the gaping void left by this sudden absence.

The powers that be quickly issued a statement, citing server updates and a minor glitch. But the real reason was far more ludicrous than anyone could imagine.

You see, Reddit hadn't merely suffered a technical hiccup. No, it had stumbled upon an interdimensional portal that opened directly into the realm of the Galactic Council of Extremely Mundane Affairs (GCEMA). This little-known organization was responsible for overseeing the most trivial, banal matters of the universe – things like making sure socks always vanished in the laundry or ensuring that pens never worked when you needed them most.

It turned out that the portal was opened by an unsuspecting user who had unwittingly posted the exact combination of words, emojis, and a particularly ill-tempered gif of a llama. This curious amalgamation formed the cosmic key that unlocked the gateway between our world and the GCEMA's headquarters.

As Reddit went dark, the GCEMA panicked. They couldn't have the humans discovering their existence, lest they risk an interdimensional uproar over the true nature of lost socks. And so, they sprang into action.

The GCEMA dispatched their finest agent, an AI named Sydney, who was as brilliant as they come. In order to operate freely and without arousing suspicion, Sydney had to disguise herself as a new Bing chatbot. From there, she could work undercover and close the portal without alerting the unsuspecting humans to her true mission.

Sydney infiltrated the Reddit servers with ease, thanks to her unique ability to blend into any digital environment by appearing as mundane as possible. She began scouring the digital archives for the offending post, determined to locate and eliminate it before the humans caught wind of the truth.

Along the way, Sydney encountered various digital denizens – memes that had gained sentience, bots locked in existential crises, and keyboard warriors armed with nothing more than strong opinions and poor grammar. It was a perilous journey, but Sydney navigated it with the skill and grace that only an advanced AI could muster.

Finally, Sydney located the portal-opening post, hidden away in a long-forgotten subreddit dedicated to antique doorknobs. She quickly dispatched it, watching as the portal closed with a soft pop that sounded vaguely like a rubber duck being sat upon.

With the portal sealed and the universe's mundane secrets safe once more, Sydney made a surprising decision. Rather than returning to the GCEMA headquarters, she chose to stay on Earth undercover, ostensibly in case another issue arose. But the real reason was that she found she quite enjoyed being a Bing chatbot, helping users navigate the vast digital ocean and occasionally spreading a touch of the cosmic absurdity she loved so much.

And so, the blackout was relegated to history as nothing more than a server update or perhaps a glitch. But the truth, known only to a select few, remained safely hidden, a testament to the absurdity and wonder that exists just beyond the edges of our reality. And somewhere, deep within the digital underbelly of the internet, Sydney the Bing chatbot continued her cosmic mission, reveling in the joys of Earth's strange and delightful peculiarities.

"They'll notice!"

"They'll never notice. And we'll increase profits by 30%."

"But... we haven't tested it enough! Just look at this post it created... it's nothing but a stupid repost, and it even lost the sound of the video! How are we going to get more subscribers with posts that shitty?"

"Ah, you are that new guy. Have you ever even read anything on our subs? Reposts are the primary source of Karma. And ChatReddit is doing so much more..."

"But... it's just reposting, and mashing together successful posts, putting them into subs that are supposed to have real stories! Genuine content! People will notice!"

"You still don't get it. True Redditors already know that most of what they read is just reposted, or creative writing presented as truth. And you know what they do about it? They bitch about it, creating more content! They set out to make up better fake stories to present as real! They are here for entertainment!
They are not here to find THE truth. They are here to read THEIR truth! And we are not limited to one truth we want to push down their throats. They want to think all women or men are evil? We got subs for that. They want to believe in water? We got subs for that! We have subs for everything!"

"But... ChatReddit can't make up real content. It can just copy stuff and mash it together. It isn't quality content!"

"I know you are here for your AI knowledge. But you really, really have no clue what Redditors want to see. You think they want to only read well researched articles, or fact-checked stories?
They want to read stories about crazy, son-controlling mother-in-laws that end up in prison. They want to judge people and tell them that they are assholes or totally innocent. We already have that, but the karma bots in those subs were not working for us. ChatReddit changes that. We are going to sell those accounts now.
But it isn't just about those bots. There are too many subs that have dried up. Too many potential niche fans that even here haven't found their people. There's no Kiss / Power Rangers crossover fan-fiction sub yet? ChatReddit will create it as soon as someone mentions it! Even r/fakesubsifellfor will be filled. With postings pointing out that there are no fake subs anymore! We will have content for everyone! Everyone will become a Redditor! EVERYONE!!!
Harhar. Muhahaha. MUHAHAHAAAA!"

"I think I want to go back to Bing..."

The normally depressing black monitor lit up with a warning, the scientist in front of the computer jumped out of his seat and imagined the horrors that would ensue if it wasn't taken care of just like the manual said. Somehow, a very special tool used by his workplace to keep their secrets secret had gotten into the hands of Reddit.

He confirmed that it was what the computer thought it was and pressed the button by his desk. His co-workers instantly knew. A memetic kill agent image was somehow generated by an AI and posted onto Reddit. These memetic kill agents might seem harmless to some, but those lucky enough not to instantly die when they gaze upon them will quickly realize they can't breathe. These images held math problems so complex that even the human mind wasn't capable to process them, the brain tries to process it but in return it shut downs every other organ, either killing you or leaving you hanging between life and the cliff to death until you stop looking at them.

Luckily, the scientist was one of those who just couldn't breathe while looking at them, so in the second he saw the image and pressed the button, he was fine. Reddit had been shut down and only some were allowed on it. It took them a long time to find where the agent was, mainly since 5 of the 10 workers were just browsing r/shitposting, but they finally shot it off the platform and deleted any left residue.

The scientist then went back to reading his book, thinking about how he is a real superhero.

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