The woman cowered as the giant flaming wheel of eyeballs came down to greet her.

“Be not afraid!” came a booming voice from the wheel. “I am an angel of the lord.”

“The lord!” the woman scoffed, though she still averted her eyes from the being. “The lord has clearly abandoned us!”

“Of course he hasn’t, child. What ever would make you say such a thing?”

“Just look around!” the woman cried, waving her hands.

“Has it really grown so bad?” the angel asked. “It has been half a century since the original sorting, so it may be that this planet is not quite the same as it once was.”

“Well, it’s sure as hell been a nightmare since I was born!”

“Can this truly be so? If it is as you say, then I will remedy the issue. In fact, that is why I am here—the lord has commanded that every 50 years, we angels should visit each one of the 7 Earths, and judge each individual so we may move people to where they belong if it is necessary.”

The woman looked up cautiously, hope beginning to form in her eyes. “You mean, I could get out of here? I could be moved to a different earth?”

The wheel spun in confusion, its thousand eyes blinking rapidly. “But you are already on Earth 1, the planet for the most sinless among you. You would desire to move to a planet for worse sinners? Surely not!”

“Anywhere would have to be better than this!” The woman looked down, clenching her fists. “My life here has been nothing but misery!”

“Tell me of the troubles of which you speak.”

“Well, for starters, I’m a fucking slave!” The woman let out a small sob. “My master beats me and gives me no rest! And my sister was taken away when she was only 10 years old and married to a horrible man who expects her to obey and submit to him! She was only a child! And my brother was taken as well, imprisoned for being gay!”

The wheel blinked again. “I am at a loss as to why this is a problem. As I am sure you know, our lord was quite clear in his words in both the Bible and the Quran that slavery is condoned, and slaves are to be obedient to their masters. Wives also are commanded to submit to and obey their husbands, and our lord has written no rule about the age at which one may be wed. And of course our lord has been clear in his prohibition against sodomy. Those here are merciful that your brother was punished with merely prison rather than stoning! Truly, this is the planet of the sinless.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you that you think any of this is okay?”

“Of course, it is a problem that your brother is here on Earth 1. I shall move him to Earth 5, the planet for fornicators and sodomites.”

“Then move me too! Please!” the woman begged. “I have to get out of here!”

“I may only do so if I find you have sinned enough to belong elsewhere. Our great and merciful lord—“

“Fuck your lord!” the woman screamed.

The angel rotated rapidly in shock, its flames flaring up in anger. “Blasphemy!” it boomed. “The only unforgivable sin according to our lord! You shall be moved to Earth 7, home of the unbelievers!”

The woman began to cry in relief.