March 12, 2023

I’m thankful that I’m breathing

I’m thankful for the can of beans I found last night

I miss John, first and foremost. I miss him so much. I feel intense, heaving shame that I could not save him. I run through that day a million times, wanting so badly to replay it. I could save a few moments of time a million ways, and then I could have saved him.

Anyway, I need to go make the rounds soon.

Keep positive, Steve, until tomorrow.

March 13, 2023

I’m thankful to still be breathing

I’m thankful to have had one of John’s arms to bury; the manual labor was nice

Well, time to think of some words to say. Yesterday was the worst day of my life. I can’t do this without John. I need him. I need help. I need someone. I can’t keep writing to you, journal.

On top of that, a have a gnawing, intense itch on my back, which I can’t look at. I assume it is an allergic reaction or mild fungal infection, yet it is greatly affecting my mental faculties, or maybe I’m just going batshit alone.

I miss my John.

March 16, 2023

Sorry, journal. This is becoming to hard.

Words are hard to think of, to remember. I found a thesaurus but remembering spelling is hard.

Oh, almost forgot.

I’m thankful to be breath

I’m thankful to still have John with me.

John returned late last night, very apologetic for his hasty disappearance.

I’m going to go cuddle with him, now. He’s all I got really. He’s keeping the bed warm.

March 18, 2023

God, sorry. I keep missing daily entries.

My back constantly itches, I spent most of yesterday scratching it raw, until it trickled blood.

John seems to have left again. I can’t find him anymore. I hope he’s holed up somewhere safe; it’s cold outside.

Oh, also.

I’m thankful for my mom and dad for making mE

I’m thankful for Elvis. I miss music

Anyway, the itch is starting up again.

Until tomorrow

Steve

March 21, 2023

What’s going on

Happening

You know

Happening is a weird word

It means kind of like “going on now” or like “actively occurring”

But what really is happening?

What is actively occurring inside me?

Weird how that works

How happening is spelled

How it is made of so few letters and sounds

And yet what is ‘happening’ can encapsulate my entire life

And, so I ask myself, what is happening?

What am I doing?

What is going on?

I’m not sure, my friends.

I am thankful to be breathing

I am thankful for my mom

I am thankful for you, journal.

-Steve