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Josh barreled through the ring of onlookers.

“No one touch the scene!” Josh shushed everyone. “Okay, first, we need to take witness accounts.”

“Josh, please.” Josh’s wife was tugging his jacket sleeve.

“Stop, Maggie!” He shooed her away. “I just finished binging Dexter! First, we ask witnesses what they saw. So, what did you ladies and gentlemen see?”

Josh was regarded as though he had sprouted another head.

The only witness, the detective’s wife, was comatose. She stared before her, unblinking, not stirring even when prodded.

“Ma’am?” Josh snapped his fingers in front of her. “Ma’am, I have some questions.”

She did not respond.

“Lady?” Josh said.

No reply.

“Woman, I’m speaking to you!” He practically yelled.

“Josh, please, come on.” Maggie had his arm again.

“Stop, Maggie!” Josh shoved her, hard.

Maggie tripped over her own feet, falling hard on the tile floor.

“Oh,” Josh said, as he noticed the room turn to regard him with disgust. “No, that was just a mistake, right, Maggie?”

Maggie was the deepest crimson. She stared at the floor.

“Yes.” She said.

“Now, are you ready, ma’am?” Josh turned back to the detective’s woman.

She again did not reply.

It took considerable effort to not express anger.

“Okay,” Josh said, gritting his teeth. “Step two, then, until you’re ready. And, of course, take your time. Not like this is time sensitive, or anything.”

His voice dripped sarcasm.

“Anyway, next, we must call the police.” Josh skipped off to get a phone.

I guess the adventure is over. After all, The Detective is Already Dead.

Thomas J. Hampson began his annual party upon Oct 3rd. He invited all of his friends, both in town, across the country, ocean, & world. But, he also brings the world famous detective, John Pullman. John enters the party to everyone’s astonishment, never expecting the he of all people to show up.

Thomas: Welcome! Welcome! I didn’t think you would show up with that case you were dealing with! John: Bah! That case took me just an hour to solve! Had enough time to dress & shave before coming here! Thomas: Impressive as always! Wish I had skills such as yours. John: They certainly are some skills, but I also wished I had some actual challenges. Thomas thought to himself: Oh, I’ll give you a challenge.

An hour into the party as John was speaking of his greatest cases, Thomas called for everyone’s attention as he stands atop a special stage.

Thomas: Thank you! Thank you! It’s so great to see everyone here too day! And, to even have the world famous detective, John Pullman today! Everyone cheers as John basks in the glory.

Thomas: At the same time, I not only invited John to this party as a gesture of generosity & bonding, but also for an important task. Thomas pulls back a curtain revealing a priceless painting, causing everyone to stare in awe. Thomas: I was hoping to perform an auction for this beloved painting, but also asked myself “would be a shame if this was stolen.” Which is why I brought John here! I mean, if anyone could find a stolen painting, it’s him!

Suddenly, the lights go out & a gun shot is heard. The lights turn back on & every looks around & sees the painting missing. Thomas: Oh my god! Where did it go?! Who could have done this??? GASP! And my dear friend General Aardvark is dead too! General Aardvark: No, I’m still alive. Thomas: Wha? Wait, then where did? Random person: John Pullman is dead! Everyone gasps. Thomas drops a pistol from his pocket. Everyone gasps again. Thomas: Shit.

Later, the police arrive & arrest Thomas. Thomas: It was supposed to be a grand battle of wits! Me vs John. Who could hide the crime & who could solve it better! Police officer: Anyone could tell it was you since you had a fucking loaded pistol in your pocket, one which was fired, & you wrote a doc saying your entire plan. Thomas: chuckle Damn, your real good detective. Perhaps even better than John himself. To think someone else cou- Police officer: I’m just a police officer. I’m not that smart, your just really dumb. Thomas: Our great wits will clash once again some day! I swear! Thomas is thrown into the cop car.

Yup. Time to call the police. Let them handle it.

You're*

Simeon sat at the table, tapping his finger on the table as him and the guests waited for dinner.

Simeon couldn't help but feel that something was strange about this dinner, he was aware that Elijah had issues with his eyes being more sensitive to light, but surely that would mean he would wear sunglasses, instead of only lighting his house with candles. Now that he thought about it the symbols carved into the walls, and the... unique decorations were also strange.

But Simeon pushed the question to the back of his mind as he heard Maria speak. Maria: "Hey Joseph, when do you think the detective will arrive?"

Joseph: "I don't know, but we could also ask the same thing about El-"

Simeon: "I am here"

Maria: "Oh, sorry, it must be a trick of the light"

Joseph: "I feel someone should wake up Elijah, he did say for someone to wake him up when you arrived"

Maria: "I will do it" [Maria gets up from her seat and exits the candlelight, her footsteps are heard heading to the door to the second staircase] [The door opens then closes]

Simeon: "So Joe, why does Elijah need to be woken up?"

Joseph: "Oh, it's just that the man is old, and he hasn't been getting the most sleep due to the fear of death keeping him up"

Simeon: "Ah, well he is still strong, I'd give him a few decades of lif-" [Simeon is interrupted as Maria is heard screaming]

Joseph: "That came from the fourth floor!"

Simeon: "Alright, which way is the faster way to get to her?"

Joseph: "I know this house like the back of my hand, follow me!" [Joseph runs into the darkness and Simeon follows]

[Soon they are in Elijah's room, they see blood covering the floor and Maria standing horrified, though they can see very little due to something obscuring the candle]

Joseph: "Maria! Are you alright?!"

Maria: "This can't be real, we were just speaking to him, we were just speaking to him" [Maria is crying]

Joseph: "What do you mean?"

[Simeon walks to see what is obscuring the candle] [It is a corpse]

[It is Simeon's corpse]

Reference

Fuck you