I couldn't help but laugh at their surprise, everyone else's confusion was evident.

"What's so funny?" Asked the hero, the panic evident in his voice

"Yeah, this is serious!" Agreed the cleric, equally bemused "Well I'd have assumed at least you two would have figured it out by now" I jeered, unhelpfully

"Figured what out" the cleric blurted between heavy breaths, he had started hyperventilating and I was actually feeling a little bad for him at this point, it had been almost two years since I started working as this groups assassin and he was the only one who hadn't accused me of stealing from him, or asked the wizard to use a poison detection spell on their drink whenever I was with them.

The wizard and barbarian seemed to be resigned to sitting this conversation out. They were both stroking the unicorns fur and didn't seem to be paying very much attention.

"Well, you know how every time we win a battle, I'm the only one who doesn't get blackout drunk?" I began answering

"You don't?" The barbarian interrupted, beginning to take interest

"Have I been tainting the pure maidens in my drunken stupor!?" The hero yelled out, on the verge of tears "how could I!" He said, now full on crying

"No, much funnier" I once again started before once again being interrupted

"This isn't funny" the druid said, hyperventilating

"As I was saying, every time we win a battle, the four of you get blackout drunk and spend literally all of our money," I began "and after the wizard and barbarian pass out on a pile in the middle of the tavern, you two come up to the single room we all have to share because you keep spending all our money on beer!" I glared at each of them in turn "you two have the loudest sex ever, fully clothed, and pass out covered in your own, and eachothers semen" I finished

"Ohhhh" the barbarian said "I thought you just had a hangover like the rest of us"

The wizard laughed

At this point the hero and cleric had gotten over their respective mental breakdowns and had turned bright red. Neither one of them seemed to want to confront this revalation

"I'll give you two guesses as to who the bottom is" I sneered

Everyone looked towards the hero. He looked like he wanted to die. I didn't blame him.

At this point the wizard spoke up "Why didn't you tell anyone?" she asked

Now everyone was looking at me

"This has been going on for months at this point, I thought they would have realized it by now." I stated, matter-of-factly

"I think I'm going to stop drinking" said the hero, he looked dead inside

"Me too" the cleric agreed, equally dead inside

"More for me" the wizard said, pulling an entire wine bottle from her magic bag.

I grabbed her bag from her

"Hey! I need that" she protested

"You can have it back when we're making more money than you spend in a single night on alcohol" I glared at her

She stared me down for a second before shrugging and chugging her bottle of wine.

I sat down with the barbarian to pet the unicorn and sighed. These people were in charge of saving the world.