Part 2:

The meeting continued. Shortly into the meeting, Joe put his legs on the table. A few more nbuurhh fainted when the system identified that his shoes were made from the hide of a 18 foot long apex predator.

Joe remained nonchalant, reclining in his chair and occasionally taking sips of the ethanol in his flask.

The nbuurhh repeated their demands. Although this time, quite meekly.

When it was his turn to speak, the human sat up. His eyes were now quite red. For a moment, he collected his thoughts, then directly addressed the High-emperor: “Mister, sorry I forgot your name…”

The prime-minister was up in arms: “High-emperor Chzuu’rbb, and you will address his majesty by the right honorifics!!”

“The Chung-what now? Sorry too complicated, I’m just gonna call you Xander, Xan for short”

While the Nbuurhh were completely shocked into silence, the human continued:

“Look here, Xan my man, I honestly do not give a shit about what you do to the seed world. I do not care at all about what you do, and I give less than a shit about the Nbuurhh.”

“However, I am here to do a job, so I will do my job.”

“Here is what I offer: Nothing”

The nbuurhh in the room shuffled nervously. They couldn’t believe their ears, but they also didn’t know how to respond to the human.

“We offer you nothing.” reiterated the human, “you will withdraw from the seed world, submit to the galactic authority, and pay reparations for this affront.”

“Or, you can do none of that, do as you wish, and the human fleet will grind the entire star system of Nbuurhh to the dust.”

Here Joe paused for dramatic effect, took out a piece of chewing tobacco from his pouch, and bit into it. A few more of the Nbuurhh fainted.

Chewing on the tobacco, his voice now coming out in a deeper drawl, the human continued: “Do you know how many weapons we have in storage that are nearing expiry? Our war games and weapons testing don’t even put a dent in the stockpiles, and the galaxy’s avowed principle of pacifism means that the only time we get to use those beauties is when we have fuckers like you.”

Dropping his voice to a whisper, he continued: “Raytheon and Lockheed will probably pay me a trillion credits each if this negotiation falls through.”

Joe then brought his face very close to the high-emperor’s, as if he was letting them in on a secret: “Personally, I do hope we get to fight. I’ve always wondered what you guys taste like.” He then flashed a smile that could only be defined as predatory.

While the entire room reeled from the effect of processing what the human had said, Joe got up, and without a second thought, started walking out.

Just before walking out, Joe turned back, and said: “Xan, my man, do not take too long to make your decision, or the decision will be made for you. My offer of ‘Nothing’ stands only as long as I am in orbit around this planet.” He accentuated this by spitting out the chewed tobacco on the floor of the sacred negotiating chamber.

The nbuurhh delegation, still too shocked to respond, followed the human back to his starship. Just before boarding, the human turned back, sporting his predatory smile again, said: “I reaallly hope y’all don’t take up my offer”, and winked.

Then he was gone.

***************************************************^^

On stardate 107.467.77.08777, the Nbuurhh unconditionally removed their weapons of mass destruction, withdrew from the seed world, and submitted to the galactic authority for integration and judgement.

Their one request? No humans be allowed into their sector.

Far away in another corner of the galaxy, Urkignf was watching news of the Nbuurhh capitulation while brewing coffee.

She finished making the coffee, walked back to her cubicle and offered a cup to her colleague, who was extremely hungover.

Her colleague sipped the coffee and let a satisfied “Aah” out.

“Another one bites the dust. How many does this make it?”

“12 out of 12, I think.”

Urkignf waited until her friend finished his coffee (with many slurps), the continued: “Are you ever gonna let them know that your dad retired and moved back to Texas?”

“No, never” replied the human.

“So you are gonna continue to pretend to be “Joe the American?””

“Hey, I am Joe! Joe jr! And I’d have you know I am a full citizen of the United States of America, with voting rights and such!”

“Gotcha” said Urkignf and went back to her work.

Joe Bradbury, Jr. , continued observing her with interest for a few moments, before speaking up again:

“Hey Urkignf, how would you feel about going out to the new sgbyuf place this weekend for food and drinks, just you and me?”

Flashing his best smile, Joe continued: “In earth , we call this ‘a date’.”