Unusual_Ad_4696 t1_j92xm97 wrote on February 18, 2023 at 8:56 PM

I am the god of fire, with a power incomparable to that of humans. I have lived thousands of years, watching over and protecting the human race.

But this is what I get?

“Hello. My name is Xal, King of Fla-” I responded to the visitors in my room.

“This guy is homeless, right?” One suddenly interrupted, walking closer to my throne.

“Wha-”

“Yeah, I think this guy is homeless” Another human followed him, observing me from a distance of 10 meters.

“Hey! Buddy! That ain't your throne! This is the throne room for the protector of Mankind!” One of them yelled out.

“I think we should get this homeless man to a hospital.”

I blurted out a laugh, 'this is what I have been thought of? To the very people I saved?'.

With a whiff of an arm, I teleported them back to the normal world.

'This is why I should quit helping those darned humans'.

I sighed and went back to observing the human world.

First time writing! Sorry if it is a little rough.

evsaadag t1_j93aqx3 wrote on February 18, 2023 at 10:34 PM

Hey that's good, I like short concise stories. However the end is a bit abrupt, maybe it lacks some kind of morale? Anyway keep up the good work! I hope you'll continue writing plenty!

Xavier_Kenshi t1_j93m7wk wrote on February 19, 2023 at 12:02 AM

I'll second this.

The premise is there: the humans are disrespecting the god;

The develop too: the god warns the humans of his power, but they continue advancing calling him mad...

But than the end doesn't proceed to nothing. This make me remember about Dracula: >! there is a HUGE build up, until the main character disappear making a floop in the rhythm !<. Your story should to constantly build up tension, or at least remain tense, up to a big resolution.

Just teleporting them away avoid the conflict, and all that build up accumulated is vanished.

Also, very good job building tension is such a short paragraph! And dialogue feels good too (wich I don't know how much a compliment is since I'm not good at them. So again! You've done good dialogue!)

LumpyGuard6048 t1_j99vk13 wrote on February 20, 2023 at 10:38 AM

Hey this is good. I love the brevity. It is refreshing. Very nice. You put more into the story with a few words to make a person use their imagination. I just wanted to share that and thanks for writing!