"All rise."

Bang. "The 9th Flavor Circuit Court is now in session."

There is a general bustle as everyone seats.

"The first case today is Town versus... versus ... Mr Pepper. Bailiff, please read the charges."

"They are quite lengthy Your Honor."

"I understand. Please continue."

"The Town does charge Mr Pepper with the following crimes:

"One. That on March 21st the accused did make a batch of dough with microwaved egg, and then did make a pizza with overboiled tomato sauce, paneer cheese, and boiled chicken. The accused then did eat said pizza without the customary baking first.

Two. That on March 24th the accused did make two over-easy eggs, then coated said eggs in meat rub, microwaved those same eggs, and then served the result to a guest.

Three. That on March 25th the accused did bake chocolate pop tarts submerged in applesauce made with vinegar instead of sugar, and did serve the same to a guest.

Four. That on March 26th the accused did burn instant potatoes in a crockpot and attempted to conceal the arson by carving the potatoes with a butcher blade and mixing the remainder with Cheese Wiz.

Five. That on March 26th the accused did use a tide pod instead of sugar in the process of making cookie batter, which the accused then fried in pickle juice.

Six. That on March 27th the accused did make chickpea spaghetti in a tall narrow pot, resulting in both overcooking and undercooking in the same pot. The accused did then served the spaghetti cold, with cold anchovy sauce as a relish.

Seven. That on March 28th the accused did serve seventeen guests of the Honorable Order of Fishmongers a dish comprised of canned peas and beef that was boiled while frozen, with no added seasoning.

Eight. That on March 28th, when faced with the righteous complaints from the Honorable Order of Fishmongers, the accused did singularly serve a desert course comprised of frozen apple pie soaked in room temperature melted nepoleon ice cream on a plate.

Nine. That on March 28th, the accused did accumulate all uneaten food from the banquet of the Honorable Order of Fishmongers into a soup pot and did leave the soup pot cooking overnight to serve as breakfast.

Ten. That on March 29th, "

"One moment bailiff. Just how many counts does Mr Pepper stand accused of?"

"Six hundred twenty seven Your Honor."

"Lengthy indeed."

There was a moment of silence, then a growing murmur of whispering in the court.

"Silence in the court please."

"In the interest of brevity and efficient usage of court resources, Mr Pepper, would you consent to forgo the reading of charges and have them entered into court record by the clerk directly?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Very well, it is so ordered. Now Mr Pepper, how do you plead on these charges? Pleading not guilty one any one of them is sufficient to move to trial, so there is no need to specify which. Unless you plead guilty to them all.

"Guilty, Your Honor"

"That certainly saves considerable time. Your cooperation and agreeableness is noted by the court in your favor. Now do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

"Only that I was taught how to cook from my mom, and in her memory I can not in good conscience feel ashamed for what she taught me."

"Your thoughtfulness and respect for your mother is commendable Mr Pepper. Your adherence to her lessons may not be.

Very well. Mr Pepper, I sentence you to twenty years in the town jail, ten years suspended and credit for time served. During your incarceration you will be required to attend and pass culinary classes. Failure to attend or complete the courses to the satisfaction of your instructor may be considered violation of the terms of your sentence and the suspended sentence may be applied in full."

With a click, the chair of the parole board stopped the tape and stared at me steadily. "Mr Pepper, it is time to see how far you have come," and picked up his fork.