SirPiecemaker t1_j9sp45q wrote
AND YOU SAID THIS 'WARCLUB' IS PLAYED MOSTLY WITH DICE? Death said, his words not spoken but heard, each syllable weighing my mind down.
"Warhammer," I corrected him politely. "And yes. But to play, you must first choose an army."
I USUALLY PLAY BLACK TO GIVE MY OPPONENT THE FIRST TURN.
"Oh, uh," I chuckled lightly, "Warhammer goes beyond that. There are many factions, each with a set of advantages and unique mechanics. It's more... varied, let's say."
I SEE, Death nodded along.
"Sir... uh, Death, if I may - why the interest?" I questioned carefully.
IT IS CUSTOMARY FOR ME TO PLAY A DEAD SOUL. SHOULD THEY WIN, THEY GET AN... EXTENSION. EVERYONE PICKS CHESS AND, IN THE END, I ALWAYS WIN. IT GETS BORING, YOU SEE? Death explained, the small, blue lights in his empty eye sockets flickering lightly.
"Can't argue with that," I shrugged.
WHAT... 'ARMY' WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR ME?
I looked over my collection. I was an avid fan and had at least a solid composition for every faction. My eyes finally settled on a familiar sight.
"I believe Necrons would suit you."
WHY IS THAT?
I blinked slowly and looked at the cold, skeletal faces of my Necron warriors before shifting my gaze to the cold, skeletal face of Death.
"...no reason," I lied.
WHAT ABOUT THESE? Death asked and pointed a skeletal finger towards a group of hardened warriors.
"A great choice," I commended. "You'll need these," I said and slammed a large box on the desk.
ARE ALL THESE DICE? Death asked.
"Yep."
THAT IS AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF DICE.^(1)
"That's Orks for you. They shoot a lot. They miss a lot. But you're bound to hit with some of the bullets."
Death paused for a moment. YES, he finally said. THIS AMUSES ME.
"Good," I smiled. "Now, if you want to just get into a game quickly, we can do that."
I WOULD LIKE TO EXPERIENCE THIS GAME FULLY IF THAT IS QUITE ALRIGHT.
"Well..." I said and scratched the back of my neck, "to really get into Warhammer, I personally think that you have to start by painting your own army. Really immerse yourself. I got some blank models, but no paints at the moment, I'm afraid."
WILL THESE SUFFICE? Death said and pulled a cluster of glass bottles from his robe, each containing different paint. I picked one up; it was a colour that didn't actually exist. Just looking at it hurt my eyes. I hastily put it back down.
"Yes, these are perfect. Now. Allow me to tell you the first cardinal rule of Warhammer," I said with a stern expression.
YES?
"Always thin your paints," I laughed.^(2)
​
​
​
​
^(1) To give Death credit, it truly was an obscene amount of dice. Each was blessed by Gork - or perhaps Mork - to guarantee that the rolls would be wildly inconsistent to even the most skilled hand.
^(2) Seriously. Always.
PN_Guin t1_j9sr4sz wrote
Well depending on just how much lore the protagonist dumps on Death and how good he fuels the Reapers addiction to the plastic crack, he might end up immortal. Playing Death forever while sitting on a golden throne...
Markamanic t1_j9t5rxa wrote
Like the guy who convinced death to join him in a game of DnD.
CrowningKnight t1_j9tft0d wrote
Thausgt01 t1_j9unxy5 wrote
Take an extra updoot for this, and pass one along to the xkcd guys for the implied "Bag of Rulebook Generation"...
TwistedAndBroken t1_j9u5pl2 wrote
As a forever DM, that is my plan.
vir-morosus t1_j9un6rx wrote
Gary Gygax. Knowing him, I suspect Death is still playing.
Daewoo40 t1_j9unn4x wrote
A 150,000 point game of apocalypse would certainly last a fair duration in a 1v1.
RootsNextInKin t1_j9sps5d wrote
So while death paints his units to assemble a most fearsome army, what do they talk about?
The rules? The lore? Something else?
Also did this person die or were they just present when death came to play someone else? Or did death watch them and think "hmm, this looks like a nice game. Let me just ask this mortal if they would explain it to me so I can suggest it to the next soul"?
So many questions and just one answer: Is there, perhaps, more of this to be found in a timeline soon to us? Because it reads great!
SirPiecemaker t1_j9swjtv wrote
I did have quite a bit of fun writing it. Might write more if people are interested!
FreikonVonAthanor t1_j9t003x wrote
As a fan of both Discworld and Warhammer 40k, color me interested, I loved it!
SmallShoes_BigHorse t1_j9t8vaw wrote
Yea, this is the most beautiful crossover I've ever seen! /u/SirPiecemaker edit
After I finished reading I started happily rocking back and forth just because I got to spend a few more moments with our dear Death.
GNU Terry
Low-Environment t1_j9tird2 wrote
GNU Terry
SirPiecemaker t1_j9tu3fz wrote
*cough*
Who's SirPeacemaker?
That guy's gotta be confused right now.
1Bunnycuddles t1_j9u1dwq wrote
I know it’s Sir Peacemaker
SirPiecemaker t1_j9uc91v wrote
Funnier still is the fact that "Piecemaker" is a reference to the crossbow Detritus uses.
1Bunnycuddles t1_j9u1heh wrote
Don’t you ever tarnish the writer’s good name
SmallShoes_BigHorse t1_j9ufimy wrote
Goddamn it! I hate trying to get mentions right on the phone since there's no smooth way of writing while looking at the source...
YoraeRyong t1_j9t8hnu wrote
Nᴏ ᴄʀᴏᴡɴ. Oɴʟʏ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀʀᴠᴇsᴛ.
FreikonVonAthanor t1_j9t8tlj wrote
WHAT CAN THE SKULLS HOPE FOR, IF NOT FOR THE CARE OF THE KHORNE MAN.
CraisyDaisy t1_j9t0wyz wrote
Please do! I want to know what happens when Death decides he's addicted.
m_rt_ t1_j9t1gkv wrote
More, please! Love the Pratchett vibe
HiddenAgendaEntity t1_j9szv7n wrote
Absolutely do! It reads like a charm and I neeeed to hear more
SamuelVimesTrained t1_j9t7j2l wrote
I`m interested.
But - you should be able to tell that about me :)
caremal5 t1_j9vb4w1 wrote
Could you do a part 2 but with them actually battling? I'd love to read that!
zyzyzyzy92 t1_j9tc9an wrote
I like to imagine he started with the rules but somehow ends up sidetracked telling death every last bit of lore there is.
Death was enthralled by the lore and missed the 15 years that went by.
remaking_the_noob t1_j9sw7ke wrote
Magnificent, fellow Pratchett fan
Ancient-Split1996 t1_j9t2hh8 wrote
Ah yes footnotes.
GNU Pterry
ben_sphynx t1_j9uv9go wrote
Also Octarine paint. Probably.
rillip t1_j9uspo7 wrote
GNU Pterry
CraisyDaisy t1_j9t0vg3 wrote
"Two thin coats."
I'm building my first army and thinning my paints is difficult for me. I'm so impatient! But it's worth it.
FreikonVonAthanor t1_j9t32ib wrote
Do try Army Painter's speedpaints or Citadel contrast paints, they did help a ton when I was in a hurry and it helps to get an idea of what it looks like when doing the highlights and inking yourself :)
CraisyDaisy t1_j9vkfjz wrote
I have soooo many contrast paints and I love them. I've also fallen in love with some colors from Vallejo that are thin enough that I don't have to thin them at all (or very little). The 80's girl in me is building a dayglo uv reactive demonette army, and their fluo colors are amazing.
FreikonVonAthanor t1_j9vl5vv wrote
So far I've only tried their "space" paints but I'd love some uv glow on my d&d monsters, I need to look them up!
realitywarped t1_j9sxrhn wrote
Love this simply for using the most superior version of Death, and I'd honestly love to see a bit of him getting to experience the actual gameplay next.
TrialByIce t1_j9sw8of wrote
Discworld!
SamuelVimesTrained t1_j9t7g5r wrote
I think Sir Terry would say "That`ll do"
to this.
If you know, you know.
​
Well done sir!
Tom_The_Human t1_j9tdcor wrote
Warhammer starts with painting? Huh, I always thought it started with busting your ass off to fund your plastic crack addiction
kitchen_synk t1_j9u79fw wrote
Where do you think all those coins over the eyes go?
wordflyer t1_j9v1bh7 wrote
can't have an addiction without a little taste first.
Low-Environment t1_j9tipuf wrote
That was like reading a little slice of classic Pratchett. Thank you.
SirPiecemaker t1_j9ttfi2 wrote
Thank you!
InformationHorder t1_j9t3l9g wrote
This guy is getting his extension on life whether he wins or loses.
asvdiuyo9pqiuglbjkwe t1_j9tqkjs wrote
I really felt as if Terry Pratchett himself wrote this. I've missed his writing for a very long time and this was a real comfort to read.
SirPiecemaker t1_j9ttdqu wrote
That is a massive compliment. Thank you.
Isabeaudelaire t1_j9td7y0 wrote
GNU PTerry.
I can just see Death trying to get everyone he knows involved in playing it. Death of Rats, Albert. Susan would be far too good. Obviously he'd paint all his horses, if he has any, to look like Binky.
crackerlegs t1_j9t6r7z wrote
Have me terry pratchett feels. I enjoyed this.
Bolt_DTD t1_j9u45lu wrote
Love this! By any chance, are you a Terry Pratchett fan? Between the dry humor, Death talking in capital letters, and the comical foot notes, this reminds me a lot of Discworld. I could totally envision that version of Death getting into Warhammer.
SirPiecemaker t1_j9uc2bv wrote
A massive one, yes, Grew up on it.
Astroyanlad t1_j9tx0al wrote
Thought you were going to drop the micro drip content of buying multiple rule books to play a single game
LtSpinx t1_j9uciw6 wrote
Inquisitor Vail, is that you?
xRockTripodx t1_j9veiqf wrote
This HAS to be Discworld's version of Death, right?
SirPiecemaker t1_j9viz59 wrote
IT ALWAYS IS.
Can't write Death any other way.
xRockTripodx t1_j9vjpvb wrote
Haha. Good point
Llamacup t1_j9vi3fp wrote
This satisfied my itch for Pratchett and Warhammer, thank you.
Unable_Total9847 t1_j9vllo0 wrote
Nice pratchetty death
Newgame95 t1_jae9us5 wrote
I swear, i heard Peter Serafinowicz read the part of Death.
rfc2549-withQOS t1_j9u2et5 wrote
I get massive Terry vibes :)
stuckit t1_j9ucg75 wrote
You could get another extension just by explaining the lore.
Vloddamick t1_j9uvt01 wrote
I read death's lines as The Emperor from TTS
MrRedoot55 t1_j9v8znk wrote
Good job.
bazooka_toot t1_j9vsq28 wrote
I heard if you finish your backlog of minis you die irl so what would happen when death finished painting his orks?
SirPiecemaker t1_j9vue6n wrote
Simple. He [REDACTED].
Hope that clears that up.
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