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isecore t1_iz8lxtc wrote

It's like Mitch Hedberg said: "I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen."

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be4u4get t1_iz9t4vr wrote

I used to love Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too.

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infinityetc t1_iz9uow9 wrote

I wish I had a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist

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isecore t1_iz9x6pm wrote

I wanna be a race-car passenger. You know, just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? Why you gotta drive so fast? Man, you really like Tide!

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hkzqgfswavvukwsw t1_iza7g9o wrote

I have never said 'Oh, here comes a frog.' in a horrified manner. It's always optimistic. Like 'Here comes a frog, i hope it will settle near me, and i can pet him. and put him in a mayonnaise jar. with a stick and a leaf. to simulate what he is used to.'

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Toxikfoxx t1_izaud2n wrote

Rice is great if you're really hungy and want to eat two thousand of something.

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_JD_48 t1_izbnyip wrote

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

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