This is a friendly reminder to read our rules.

Remember, /r/Showerthoughts is for showerthoughts, not "thoughts had in the shower!"

(For an explanation of what a "showerthought" is, please read this page.)

Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.

Haha, that's a great way to put it! Adoption certainly helps parents get to the fun parts of parenting quicker.

But they take on a lot of trauma sometimes, which makes them heroes

[removed]

I know where you're coming from but I reckon it would be more like "choose your own adventure" and you click on a totally different intro to the storyline 🙂

[removed]

[removed]

So you could say they're doing the endgame hard mode content

[removed]

Not in the UK it doesn't.

You get to skip the intro, but the questionnaire you have to complete before you get access to the game is brutal.

Like a really long tutorial?

I have a 6 month old and I have to admit it’s a lot more fun than I always thought

now i'm imagining a sort of institution where the only thing they do is play games tutroials and then whenever somone skips one they send the svaestate with the skipped tutorial to them

Adoption processes take years usually. So it’s worse. You have to sit out the intro but can’t watch it or interact.

And then you have to live with whatever choices somebody else made during the tutorial.

I honestly found with both of mine that it was a hellish, unenjoyable nightmare up until about 18 months. Then it starts getting good after that.

So like the really bad first season of an otherwise amazing show!

Exactly!

I don't know age/adoption stats, however my GF and ger 2 brothers were all adopted, all between 3 and 9 months old.

I think they were pretty much clean slates, and I think that may still be in the "intro."

More like…

You know when you buy a game, and sometimes it forces you to make an account on the developers site? So you go all the way to the computer, start the surprisingly lengthy process, only to realize that you already have an account on the site… but fuck, what was the password? Which email address did I use? And what was the password for THAT email account? God damn I’m not even at the menu yet!

It’s like that. But instead of asking “what username do you want?” They ask “How’s your sex life? Does your dick work? Any trauma?”

And THEN the developers awkwardly call your ex who you haven’t talked to in 10 years, just to check if you’re domestically abusive.

And by the end you go “Fuck… Midnight Suns better be worth it.”

Oh wow that’s pretty rough. 18 months? I’m quite lucky then I guess

Tell that to anybody who went through any fertility assistance and see how fast they skip out on ever talking to you again. Many people put years of their life and tens of thousands of dollars into things like this before adopting. I'd hardly call that skipping anything.

Tell that, as well, to anybody who has undergone the adoption process, the forms, the interviews, preparing your home and having it scrutinized repeatedly to see if you are worthy of doing something that many people stumble into accidentally, and for which you are doing as much or more preparation than a lot of biological parents put in.

Think before posting a shower "thought", and do us a favor - if you're lucky enough to have kids, teach them to be better by looking at more than a narrow-range viewpoint on the world.

The first year is very crucial to a child's development. They are by no means clean slates.

For a friend of mine it apparently took 5 years for her to be adopted

The kids obviously didn't do anything wrong, but they can still have issues caused by the birth parents' actions during pregnancy. Heroin for example is not recommended during pregnancy.

Also, incredibly expensive. I looked into adoption for a child, and at least in my case, it would cost anywhere from 5 to 6 times more than actually having one. I actually made an additional 18 grand from a combination of FMLA and employer sponsored family leave when my kid was born.

I get that you want to make sure adopted children go to a good home that has good financial support. But if having a child costs that much less as the state you should be rethinking the process. To me it's essentially a wash with either spending money supporting a child vs someone adopting that child and taking that burden from the state. Plus, for the sake of that child, and their adopted family, you want them adopted and settling with a family ASAP, not keeping them in the system.

[removed]

[removed]

A better analogy is they’re forced to watch the intro a dozen times before skipping to a totally different show.

[removed]

I think the "intro" portion being referred to is the sex, pregnancy, and giving birth parts of having a kid. A lot of adoptions happen at a young age after the child has been with a foster family for years. A lot of times adoption is more just a recognition of the facts on the ground

Yeah I mean getting a foster kid is quicker if you skip the intro.

I had a niece that had 2 kids by 17.

Our adoption process took months and $$$ to prove at ages 35 and employed with our own home, that we could be competent parents.

Choose Difficulty Level: "Meh; I hate noob levels; let's jump right to 'Challenging'..."

Like buying a room full of IKEA furniture, throwing away all the manuals, and opening all of he boxes from all the boxes at the same time...

Don't get me wrong; Those who adopt are amazing, and deserve our praise (I was adopted), but boy in even the best of scenarios there are significant challenges. "EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!!!"

My 3rd and 4th siblings are adopted so this tracks.

My youngest brother is biological so I guess they were like…I haven’t watched the intro in a while. Oh this slaps.

It’s the “skip tutorial” button as well, or even a “pay to skip level” one

Calm your tits Jesus! It’s a shower thought, not some new philosophical truth about the world. Also, if you were to remove your head from your own bottom for a second, you might consider OP talking about adopting an older child, say a teenager, in which case they are right– it would not take 15 years to adopt someone.

I can’t disagree more. As I sit here with my 7 day old adopted son I think about how much pain, suffering, and disappointment we went through to get here. Adoption is the game + version as you have to go through years of anguish and expenses before you get to the actual game.

Having been through both the invitro and adoption process, I agree with you 100%. OP is an asswipe who obviously has never been through it and has NO idea what he's talking about. And probably doesn't realize that he's an asswipe.

Also pressing "Random" on character selection screen, especially with very small children.

What do you mean exactly? I could see how proper feeding and maybe some mental stimulation would matter, but especially on the 3-month side, I would have to argue with you.

This is true, but the way the original post is phrased, it makes it sound like it's more about raising the child rather than developing the child.

I wanted a kid but I never really wanted a baby so I was expecting the baby years to be difficult and annoying to get through but honestly it was so fun and easy. Way way easier than the toddler years, but also I’m in Canada so we get a full paid year off work to look after the kid so I wasn’t away from my baby for eight hours a day.

That makes sense, but the original post says skip intro button for parenting, not making a child.

A full year, wow, that’s amazing. I got 5 days. But I took some extra 70% paid leave and some vacation as well. Also I work in 5 shifts, so I’m home more than a typical full time worker. My wife is still home. She starts Monday, but will be working remotely for the most part. It’s important to spend a lot of time with them because it’s a cliche but it goes by very quickly and you don’t get a do over.

It's an infant like you seem to be describing the creators can take away the child in the first year, seen it happen.

[removed]

Foster->Adopt is cheaper, takes longer and most people want no more than an infant. I get it too, some kids unfortunately grow up in fucked up environments and just because you remove them from the situation it doesn't take away the emotional scars.
I knew a girl who was one of 2 bio-kids in her house, the things that her foster brothers and sisters exposed her too at a young age are not thing I'd want to have happen to my own kids.

It's crazy how important it is your first 5 years of life go well.

Some people can't even get the intro if they can't conceal children. Honestly pretty sad if you think about it when people have some kind of problem with their reproductive system and so they can't have biological children.

No... it's for parent who're unable to conceive more times than not.

[removed]

Tell me you're not an adoptive parent without telling me you're not an adoptive parent

You mention proper feeding and mental (I'm going to assume you mean social) stimulation as if they are minor details. They are crucial to a child's development. Parental neglect or poor feeding in the first 3-9 months are going to leave their marks on a child.

Language development is a good example. Here's a review going over language development in the first year of life. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26756156/ Imagine a baby who is fed and clothed, but who is deprived of a parent who directly talks at them. They're going to have hard time picking up verbal and nonverbal language. Their language development might get delayed.

A toddler who has difficulties understanding the language that he is expected to understand is likely to get frustrated, which in turn may lead to behavioural difficulties. This may lead to them becoming unsociable and other children won't want to play with them. Pediatric psychiatrists deal with this all the time!

Now, you don't need a PhD to raise a baby. They're not going to be traumatized because you said the wrong word or didn't buy the right brand of diapers. Feed them, talk to them, change their diapers, etc. They're probably going to turn out fine. But to claim that the first months are basically irrelevant (that's how I interpret "pretty much clean slates") is just plain wrong.

[removed]

Not really. Most kids get adopted really young if not at birth entirely

My first child was a five year process from deciding to adopt to the moment he came to live with us, then another year until we finally adopted. My second child happened in the course of a few seconds with my son’s friend at school being placed into foster care but no suitable homes so we decided to take her in since our license was still active until she could get a long term placement. Two years later parental rights were terminated and we finalized her adoption. Sometimes good things take time, other times life comes at you fast!

My boy entered the system at 3 months and the trauma is real - time in utero, moms stress, hormones, adrenaline, malnourishment those first months - lack of stimulation or over stimulation and fight or flight situations - he struggles with it. We have a good relationship and he’s bright enough to know why he does what he does but hoarding food, sleeping in a closet instead of his bed, not trusting people, are all based on the trauma of those first few months.

Expensive?

There are tons of free kids just walking around. /s

[removed]

[removed]

>the things that her foster brothers and sisters exposed her too at a young age are not thing I'd want to have happen to my own kids

like what?

[removed]

Adoption is such a caring thing to do for a kid. And how sweet of you to take in your boy's friend too! We need more people to be like you.

True.

I know a family who adopted 10+ kids. Only one finished college and is a successful professional. The rest had drug and developmental issues and still rely heavily on their adoptive parents who are still working well into their 60s and 70s now. I'm just a friend, so I never or want to know, but I'm sure these are great people who are dead tired by now. But they've never complained about their adoptive children. They help them even well into adulthood without complaint through the rehabs, through helping their adoptive grandkids, just....always working in one way or another.

The mother of this whole family is in the hospital right now. She collapsed last week. Her husband is in tears and stuff. I don't think he'd live long if she dies.

It's more like the skip training mode. Knowing several people who have adopted, it is by far the hardest way to parent that I know. My hat goes off to all those that chose to adopt and make a life for someone who may have had the most disturbing start to life imaginable. Adoption is a great thing, it's just not easy.

[removed]

It's also the "skip a lot of usefull experience" button. Source, have 5 kids, 3 bio and 2 adopted.

I'm genuinely curious, feel free to not reply if this becomes too personal.

How long was your boy in the system? If he entered at 3 months, my assumption is you wouldn't have been able to completely adopt him until at least a year old, small chance it was sooner, large chance it was later. I would have to think that hoarding food, sleeping in a closet, and not trusting people could have likely been developed at an orphanage or poor foster home. I understand that the actual fetal development of the child will play a role, but I am not inclined to think that the behavior would continue if the environment was corrected at an early enough age.

All that being said, that's why I think it's important to know how long your child was in the system and how old he was when he was adopted. I don't assume that you created an environment that would promote or encourage this behavior or way of thinking.

I also see my girlfriend and her two brothers acting similarly to their parents in the way that they are all forgetful, loud, messy, and not necessarily the sharpest knives in the drawer. I may not have a ton of experience with other adopted people and knowing their parents, but this nearly proves to me that it all depends on the environment you are raised in. They are all from different parts of the world and different ages, but they all act the same.

He entered the system at 3 months, bounced from homes and foster care until he came to live with us at 2.5 years, and we finally adopted him at 3 years. So many of these behaviors come from that but others such as his constant anxiety and impulsivity certainly come from experiences in utero. Now 13, he’s our kid - has my mannerisms and sense of humor, sharp witted, sarcastic, and curious. His sister merged into our family with ease but was much older during the process.

Kids in foster care have been pulled out of their homes because their homes weren’t safe. Every case is different but in general these kids have been exposed to drugs, alcohol, porn/sexual abuse, violence, &/or other life situations that are hard for adults to deal with.

Our first drug addicted foster kid was kind enough to give us a massive education on drugs. I’ve been in EMS for almost 20 years & this kid taught me new things. It was wild.

I understand if some prospective adoptive parents prefer not to adopt children who are in foster care (who are eligible for adoption).

But if they make that choice, I would prefer that they not bemoan the time and expense concomitant with that choice.

My husband and I adopted our two sons from foster care when each of them was five years old. It's been challenging, but we didn't choose to become parents because we thought it was the soft option.

If someone writes your name on the birth certificate you can bypass most of this

I'm not crazy familiar with the law, but in a case that happened to a couple I know personally they kept a relationship with the bio-mom. Well one day on a visit she abducted the child. It took awhile for them to get her back and it almost looked like they wouldn't. Basically what saved them was that she adducted the child. If she had properly gone through the court system likely they would have given the child back to bio-mom.