Garage540 t1_j6nuipn wrote on January 31, 2023 at 5:32 PM

Reply to comment by ixramuffin in Adoption is the 'skip intro' button for parenting. by thedbm

What do you mean exactly? I could see how proper feeding and maybe some mental stimulation would matter, but especially on the 3-month side, I would have to argue with you.

dotardiscer t1_j6o07va wrote on January 31, 2023 at 6:06 PM

It's crazy how important it is your first 5 years of life go well.

Zmirzlina t1_j6omzix wrote on January 31, 2023 at 8:27 PM

My boy entered the system at 3 months and the trauma is real - time in utero, moms stress, hormones, adrenaline, malnourishment those first months - lack of stimulation or over stimulation and fight or flight situations - he struggles with it. We have a good relationship and he’s bright enough to know why he does what he does but hoarding food, sleeping in a closet instead of his bed, not trusting people, are all based on the trauma of those first few months.

Garage540 t1_j6ozevo wrote on January 31, 2023 at 9:43 PM

I'm genuinely curious, feel free to not reply if this becomes too personal.

How long was your boy in the system? If he entered at 3 months, my assumption is you wouldn't have been able to completely adopt him until at least a year old, small chance it was sooner, large chance it was later. I would have to think that hoarding food, sleeping in a closet, and not trusting people could have likely been developed at an orphanage or poor foster home. I understand that the actual fetal development of the child will play a role, but I am not inclined to think that the behavior would continue if the environment was corrected at an early enough age.

All that being said, that's why I think it's important to know how long your child was in the system and how old he was when he was adopted. I don't assume that you created an environment that would promote or encourage this behavior or way of thinking.

I also see my girlfriend and her two brothers acting similarly to their parents in the way that they are all forgetful, loud, messy, and not necessarily the sharpest knives in the drawer. I may not have a ton of experience with other adopted people and knowing their parents, but this nearly proves to me that it all depends on the environment you are raised in. They are all from different parts of the world and different ages, but they all act the same.

Zmirzlina t1_j6p3unu wrote on January 31, 2023 at 10:11 PM

He entered the system at 3 months, bounced from homes and foster care until he came to live with us at 2.5 years, and we finally adopted him at 3 years. So many of these behaviors come from that but others such as his constant anxiety and impulsivity certainly come from experiences in utero. Now 13, he’s our kid - has my mannerisms and sense of humor, sharp witted, sarcastic, and curious. His sister merged into our family with ease but was much older during the process.

ixramuffin t1_j6o8pzs wrote on January 31, 2023 at 6:58 PM

You mention proper feeding and mental (I'm going to assume you mean social) stimulation as if they are minor details. They are crucial to a child's development. Parental neglect or poor feeding in the first 3-9 months are going to leave their marks on a child.

Language development is a good example. Here's a review going over language development in the first year of life. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26756156/ Imagine a baby who is fed and clothed, but who is deprived of a parent who directly talks at them. They're going to have hard time picking up verbal and nonverbal language. Their language development might get delayed.

A toddler who has difficulties understanding the language that he is expected to understand is likely to get frustrated, which in turn may lead to behavioural difficulties. This may lead to them becoming unsociable and other children won't want to play with them. Pediatric psychiatrists deal with this all the time!

Now, you don't need a PhD to raise a baby. They're not going to be traumatized because you said the wrong word or didn't buy the right brand of diapers. Feed them, talk to them, change their diapers, etc. They're probably going to turn out fine. But to claim that the first months are basically irrelevant (that's how I interpret "pretty much clean slates") is just plain wrong.