I need advice to help my 90 and 92 year old parents

Submitted by star_tyger t3_10mq3rc in Pennsylvania

My father is a 92-year-old Korean war veteran. My brother has lived with him and my 90-year-old mother for the past year and a half and has functioned as their caregiver. It hurts to say he passed away last week.

My parents live here in Pennsylvania, and I live in Vermont, so I'm not nearby. I'm looking for services available to my parents, such as emergency expense help, someone to come in once or twice a week to help with cleaning and to keep an eye on them, help with paying bills (my brother started doing this, I'm trying to pick up where he left off) and help with shopping and cooking.

I'm looking into other resources, such as the VA, their medical insurance, the state's office of the aging, and meal plans like Dinnerly or Hello Fresh. Any advice or suggestions would be gratefully accepted.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. My brother didn't leave good records, I'm trying to make sense of what he did leave. I'm also grieving, and my thinking isn't as clear as it should be. I could use some help.

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CoalCrackerKid t1_j64inbm wrote

Sorry to hear about your brother.

I'd start by contacting the VA person nearest to your parents.

https://www.caregiver.va.gov/support/New_CSC_Page.asp

My mother is working with someone to complete the paperwork for receiving a stipend as my veteran father's caregiver. Things move slowly, but they do move.

Wish I could do more, but best of luck to you.

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susinpgh t1_j64gjya wrote

Sorry for your loss.

What county are your parents in? A lot of aging programs are administered on a county level. There is a companionship program for our seniors. But a lot is going to depend on their County. There are also options through local charities, are your parents in any local organizations?

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Impressive_Friend740 t1_j64ezy8 wrote

What part of pa are your parents in? I’m sorry for the loss of your brother. One option that might be a bit cheaper than meal plans is to have your caregiver make a bunch of meals that could be frozen and then popped in the oven when they are ready. I’m not sure how mobile your parents are. Hopefully you get some good advice here.

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star_tyger OP t1_j64h1gu wrote

Thank you. My parents are in the Poconos, in Monroe County.

I don't know if we can find a caregiver to do that.

I thought of premaking frozen meals. Between myself, my daughter and my niece, one of us will be here once a month to take care of whatever we can, to touch base and make sure they know they're loved and supported. We could get them a freezer and make meals ourselves. My father is fighting me over the idea. "I don't need you to do that!" Sigh. I'm also concerned that we may only be able to be here for a day or two and that's a lot to do. My husband and I can also help with the cost of delivered meals. If my father will let us. His stubbornness is getting worse.

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RedEyed_BrainFried t1_j65ee4y wrote

You would want to contact the Monroe County Area Agency on Aging. They work with older adults and will assign your parents a caseworker who can assist them with getting services such as setting them up with the local meals on wheels and possibly other services depending on their earnings because of our states rules. Here is the number for their office: 570-420-3735. I hope this helps in anyway and best of luck in your situation.

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Impressive_Friend740 t1_j64huv9 wrote

My sister has a lake house in lake Ariel and I know there are lots of communities in the whole poconos area so perhaps if you’re on fb you could find one near your parents and see if anyone needs part time work? Im glad all your family will be pitching in that will be helpful. And i get the stubborness thing my dad is in his mid 60s and already on the stubborn kick. The loss of independence is hard. You can maybe say your friend sold u the freezer at a good rate?

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susinpgh t1_j65iy3a wrote

Elders can be protective of their independence. I'm not sure which is harder; one that won't accept hep, or one that expects you to drop everything and wait on them hand and foot. (My mom was the latter.)

There are some caregiver subreddits that may help you figure out the best way to get your parents to accept help. The techniques that seem to work the best are the ones when they come up with the idea on their own. But this requires quite a bit of finesse. Also, they might grumble, but I guarantee they are secretly grateful.

Can they do any kind of face-to-face time? There are a lot of options and you may be able to get a fairly automated protocol set up so that you can keep contact regularly.

Best wishes to you.

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thepennsyltuckyin t1_j64jb6z wrote

My mom used to work for an in home nursing agency called Angels on Call I believe. She basically went to someone's house for a few hours a day a couple times a week. I forget if she went 2 or 3. But that may be a good place to look. I looked on their website and the nearest office would be in Scranton.

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Affectionate-Wall-23 t1_j656fid wrote

The PA dept of veterans affairs has state retirement homes for vets and their spouses, not sure about home aid/attendance. The dept also has emergency stipends, it tops out at $1600/year. Each county has an office with state veteran service reps, I have used them for both my state and VA claims.

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MYOB3 t1_j6681f1 wrote

The VA does do in home care. I have a relative receiving services from the VA through a sub contractor. They perform personal care and light housekeeping for a set number of hours a week. It is not 24/7 care, but it sure helps.

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Affectionate-Wall-23 t1_j66g9oh wrote

I was referencing the PA state dept of veterans affairs, each state has their own along with the federal VA. PA runs some veterans homes around the state, but I’m not sure if they do home health like big VA does

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MYOB3 t1_j64q9j6 wrote

I am so sorry. We are in a similar situation. Definitely contact his VA doc, and explain what is going on. Now, that help will be ONLY for your Dad. Call their county Agency on Aging. They can point you in the direction of additional help, and check what is going on in the home. Make sure you tell them that your parents have NO FAMILY SUPPORT IN STATE. The Agency on aging will suggest things like meals on wheels, and social workers to go out and check on them.

Also contact their personal family doctor and let them know what is going on. They can also send a social worker out, and check what assistance they might need.

( Been here, done this)

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Unique-Public-8594 t1_j64o6cq wrote

I’m sorry. This sounds hard.

Home Instead provides a range of services to help people age in place. I think volunteer visitors are part of the program.

Home Instead based in Tannersville PA but servicing the surrounding area: https://www.homeinstead.com/location/691/

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PinsAndBeetles t1_j651w65 wrote

Contact their local Area Agency on Aging. A caseworker will do an assessment and help them get the services they qualify for. My grandma’s caseworker had her set up with home delivered meals, a free emergency call button and Rx delivery within a week of her intake.

Here is the info for their county

Also these workers are trained to work with stubborn old people. They were very kind and helpful and gently talked my grandma into the emergency necklace that she thought she didn’t need but has used 6 times in the past few months.

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Ukieboar t1_j658r5h wrote

Contact Monroe County agency for Aging, or whatever they call it.

County resources should be helpful to at least get you several options

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miscnic t1_j65uvq7 wrote

To keep home, you contact the area on aging, it’s on the state department of health website. They will do visit to do an assessment of need. They can do meals on wheels without a visit.

There is no 24/7 home based care other than private pay, unless the person qualifies for limited hourly services through the area on aging assessment. The only people able do private pay are super rich or have a high level income source.

Find a personal care home close where you can visit easily if you’d like. You may not get into your ideal one right away but can move between them, its not preferred but can happen. Find one that has a ok rating on Medicare.gov. You can visit the location to scout it out, but after covid, spots are more limited than before. A bed would be a social security bed. They are hard to come by, but can get on a waiting list if that’s what it takes. They would take all the finances available under that person, but would be able to live there pert and safely.

There is more that needs to be done as a so sorry to teach us how to care for us as we age for sure. The new generation is about to have some wide opening lessons as they age. Cause most people do not know how any of this works.

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phantomjm t1_j64s56b wrote

>I'm looking into other resources, such as the VA, their medical insurance, the state's office of the aging, and meal plans like Dinnerly or Hello Fresh.

Those are some very good starts. My wife worked as a social worker for our local Area Agency on Aging for many years. From what she's told me over the years, they should be able to guide you and your parents very well and help you setup whatever services they may need, including working with the VA and any other resources they may have available. I'd say they should be your first call. As for the meal plans, they may or may not be overkill depending on how well your parents can prep their own meals. I know just how labor intensive (not to mention expensive) some of their meals can be. It's possible they may qualify for Meals on Wheels or other services that may be a better fit for their lifestyle and/or capabilities.

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DocCarlson t1_j65k8zh wrote

You can also take her to the ER and they can assign her a case manger who can help get the care she needs if nothing else works they will make it happen.

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cordy_crocs t1_j65zrez wrote

Contact Maximus they’re the independent enrollment broker for PA dept of aging. Tell them you want to get your parents signed up for the waiver program through managed care organizations they’ll know what you mean or at least get you in the right direction.

PA Independent Enrollment Broker

I’m assuming your parents already have Medicare. The IEB will help them get set up with long term services and support through home and community based services through Medicaid

Both your parents should be eligible for services through managed care all free through their Medicaid insurance.

They will receive caregivers, home delivered meals, non-medical transportion, durable medical equipment, potentially home modification, life alert buttons, and more.

This is what I do for work please feel free to message me

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Ukelikely_Not t1_j66b48e wrote

Disabilityarc.org can probably help navigate. Reach out and see what they say.

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throwawayamd14 t1_j66ctmg wrote

Contact the local county’s office of aging

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Iwouldlikeadairycow t1_j66uhv0 wrote

Would relocating your parents to Vermont be an option? I realize this isn’t the type of advice you came looking for, but bringing them closer to you might make things easier

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JessieTheValet t1_j68j6vw wrote

Check out PA 211 service. You can call them at 1-855-567-5341 from out of state or search their website for providers. It's a resource that links you to local services in your family's area.

I'm sorry for your loss.

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thaboognish t1_j68qspa wrote

VA employee here. The form needed to apply for Veterans Pension is 21-527EZ. This is an income-based program (not an entitlement) and there are income and net worth limits, so be prepared to undergo the equivalent of a financial colonoscopy. But if he qualifies, he could receive up to $2,000/month to help with caregiver costs.

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