Mastriano fornicates himself with Hitler's preserved femur bone while singing "I Touch Myself" in falsetto, all while old naked men throw banana cream pies at his face and genitals. Allegedly, but I hear it all the time around these parts. Many people are saying it. Why just yesterday, a big burly man ran up to me, tears in his eyes, and said this to me. And then everyone stood up and clapped.