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chuker34 t1_j9xg7a6 wrote

Don’t.

I’ve been around some narcissistic people my whole life and have gone full on “stone brick” for so long that I don’t think I actually have full on emotions any more.

I know I feel then, but I can’t express them. There’s a clear difference when I’m happy, but I don’t think it fully shows. It’s either there or not, and the level I show never changes. I can be the happiest I’ve been in my whole life and it come across as if I had a decent hamburger at a new place.

Be fine with who you are, if you accept yourself you’ve already conquered the world.

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murrimabutterfly t1_j9xjr8x wrote

Yup.
Due to trauma, I compartmentalize so well that I make Marie Kondo look like a slob. Each box is filled with fifteen similar boxes, and all of these are tucked away neatly on a shelf that is behind a vault that only ever opens to let something in.
I can convincingly fake any emotion and go through the motions of being "normal". Like, my manager once told me I seemed happier lately during one of my worst recent episodes. She's incredibly empathetic and good at reading people; I was compensating for my shit mental health with extra external pep and pizazz.
It's overrated.
I'm in therapy and it actively concerns my therapist how hard it is for me to convey genuine emotion. Any true emotion I feel is like an assault on the senses, and I can't control it. I literally have to take an entire day to take care of myself if the vault opens up and real emotion spills out.
I hate it.
I wish I could emote like a normal person.
I think true strength comes from owning how you're feeling.

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CaddyCadder t1_j9xtbtc wrote

The Marie Kondo of compartmentalization is an amazing description. Hope you are doing okay.

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