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Ask her to start telling you to get off your arse all the time, until you do it automatically.

That's a great way for them to start resenting each other

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We had a household once where we took turns doing the dishes. It was your turn until you did all of them. If you waited a coupla days it was still your turn, but the stack was higher. Kind of self limiting behavior for the slackers.

If things get complicated, you can always hire a housekeeper. It's cheaper than you think and then you can spend that time together. Just my 2 cents on the matter.

Yeah I'm guessing (hoping) this is a tongue-in-cheek suggestion

Not if it's a request, and one which ultimately aids in stopping resentment.

Communicate. Do your ways bother her? What are her expectations? My partner and I know each others strengths and weaknesses so it’s pretty straightforward what I need to work on vs what she doesn’t care about. There’s a good chance she knows it’s not your strong suit but it doesn’t bother her. Over communicate, I promise it will be the best thing for your marriage.

how do you find a good housekeeper? i have looked online but only see the companies that are charging like $300 for a cleaning

I love that you know you and she aren’t having the same outlook. Kudos to not only being self-aware but wanting to address it before it becomes a huge relationship issue.

Be the hero. Sit down and talk about it. She likes to tidy when done w a meal. Makes cooking the next meal, in a clean kitchen, so much easier! What you can do is find the 5 tasks she hates. Own them. If she hates bathrooms then you become the bathroom king w an agreed upon frequency. That’s the trade off. She never has to do the bathrooms again but she can’t say anything if you stick to the agreed upon frequency which is weekly. Pushed to 10 days absolute max and know she will get itchy after day 7.

Find something that balances out the housework. As you know, it never ends. Good luck.

Genius!

Cleaning and tidying are habits, just like most daily activities. You can teach yourself to do it if you really care to.

Set an alarm two or three times a day with a fifteen minute timer. When the alarm goes off, spend that fifteen minutes cleaning something. It will be annoying as hell at first-and that's kinda the point, lol. Hopefully it'll annoy you enough that you'll start doing all those little cleaning tasks as you see them throughout the day instead of waiting for the alarm to do them.

Ask her what things bother her the most.

For example those dishes: why does she feel the need to do them immediately? Is it because she is bothered by the dirty dishes cluttering up the kitchen, or because she doesn't want to do everything all at once at the end of the day when she is already tired?

(Also a dishwasher is a great solver for this specific problem, but I know that is not always a possibility)

By finding out why she does things a certain way, you might start to understand her better, which may help in you being able to see the house through her eyes and picking things up a little quicker.

Make a schedule and divide up the chores.

Maybe ask her if she thinks a roomba type vacuum would be useful. I bought a knockoff one about 2 years ago and it works great, super helpful to me. It doesn’t have a lot of bells and whistles but it vacuums well and that’s what is important to me. My partner is not a help big with house work and I was feeling like a maid sometimes. He is fantastic otherwise so I decided to find ways to simplify things for myself instead of letting resentment build up. I also bought a countertop dishwasher and it has been a lifesaver, since I cook a lot. And if you don’t have one yet, look into getting an airfryer. These 3 items were worth every penny since they save me about 3-4 hours daily between cooking and cleaning

Understand there isn't one right way; if you want to show love her way, take responsibility and don't see it as "helping". Also train each other to say thank you when they notice something was done.

Not in my world. That can go south very quickly. AND it still puts the onus on the girlfriend.

You are lucky to have a woman who likes to keep things clean. My woman does not and our home is a complete embarrassment.

The girlfriend is biting her tongue, and the resentment is beginning.

A request for help, is permission to stop biting tongue, and halt the resentment.

Have you met a woman?

Well I have 4 adult daughters, so yes.

Get a house keeper, they're not that expensive and the piece of mind is money well spent

Ok, so you are at least middle-aged, as am I. The rules have changed, my dude.

OP realizes that he and the gf don't have the same standards. He wants to learn how to meet those standards, which is absolutely lovely (well done, OP!). Your suggestion is to put the responsibility on the girlfriend by asking her to continually pointing out things she isn't happy with. Today the counters, tomorrow the penis. There is no good outcome here.

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I feel for ypour wife, In a couple, the one with the best cleaning standards always suffer.
Just like you, I am cleaning deep every 2 weeks, however i like to keep the house tidy.
And my wife is incredibly messy, nothing is ever put in its place, wraping are left in the sink instead of the trash, there is constantly some cisors out with food on it, clothes on the floor in every rooms, and so on.

She feels like we need a cleaning lady, no we just need to keep things tidy up every day.
To her its an insurmontable challenge, like i am talking about doing an marathon.

Well, i just end up cleaning up, a lot, every day.

The post wasn't that long, you could have read it.

Sadly, yes they have. Now people ask strangers on the internet, rather than having an adult conversation with their beloved.

Which brings me to my belief that our conversation has already run its course, in this matter of opinion.

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The problem with us is when we’ve had a house cleaner we got extremely messy cause we knew she’d pick it I up next time. This doesn’t always work out. We’re way cleaner when it’s up to us.

Everyone is different though!

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You gotta ask around. If you know anyone who uses one, ask them for their cleaners info. Or just keep an eye out for any neighbors that are having a cleaner come. You can go introduce yourself and ask for their contact info. That’s how I found mine.

Nothing dries up a pussy faster than having to be your partners mom. Yeesh.

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My wife and I are similar to your situation. One thing i've found to help me is to use what i call the commercial method. We use Hulu a lot so we got the subscription with commercials same as Youtube. When i watch something every commercial that comes on I get up and look for 1 thing to do. It doesn't seem like much when you are doing it but after 2 hours and 4 commercials i had swept and mopped each room downstairs. It's cleaning but at 5-10 minute intervals while i am watching a show i enjoy.

I would tell my husband to look around using my eyes. His challenge was to pretend my eyes were in his head and he had to find what needed to be done. For context, he was a SAHD and I worked, so he had the lion’s share of the housework (we had a cleaning lady for the hard core cleaning; he just did day-to-day and picking up). For us, that seemed to work and also amused us.

Automate as much as you can afford to.

Get a dishwasher, load it when you've used something, then all you need to do is close the door and switch it on.

Robot vacuums are great, they'll keep basic dust and dirt at bay and more importantly force you to keep stuff off the floor.

I'm down for that. I'll use a spoon and wash it. Now, it's your turn again :). I'm all about malicious compliance.

You either have to conform to her levels on this or it won't work. She will not lower her standards and if you resent doing it her way, you'll resent her and your feelings will become toxic.

Been there, done that.

The simplest one trick rule to a clean house I've learned:

When you do/use something, don't put it down, put it away. Apply this rule to everything and you'll, in theory, always have a clean house.

Example. Eat some snacks? Put them away as soon as you're done. Finished watching TV on the couch, fix pillows and throw blankets as soon as you're done. Right after dinner, rinse dishes and put them in the dishwasher (saves time anyways cuz you don't need to deal with stuck food). Roll out of bed? Make the bed immediately.

Everytime you do a task, put things away once done using it, make it a habit and you'll just have a perpetually clean house. Then just vacuum and do laundry on one of your days off once a week.

I imagine it's a per day system. If you don't do dishes on your day, tomorrow is your day again.

This is a matter of perspective because it's likely that to him you are the lucky one because your woman likely has a standard of cleanliness that is closer to his.

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I used to be TERRIBLE at this, but I started a habit that has helped me to this day. If I've been in a room and I'm leaving it with no immediate intention to do something important, can I put something out of place away? For example, right now there is a bag of cookies that I was eating for breakfast on the coffee table. The next time I go into the kitchen, I can take that bag of cookies in. At the end of the day, I usually walk through the apartment and kind of do a quick pick up: clothing, remotes put away, dishes that have escaped the kitchen put in the sink, any trash put in a trash can, etc. It does go a long way to making it easier to get started on your deep cleaning if you're not decluttering just to be able to clean.

never underestimate the power of 'thank you'.

I second this 100%. Even having a cleaning service come once a month is incredible. House cleaning has been a sore spot between my fiance and I, and this resolved the conflict entirely. It's been life-changing.

Our house is pretty small - maybe 1600sqft - and we pay $200 including a >20% tip. We live in a major city where cost of living is pretty high.

Finding a private company/small business owner is the way to go. If you contract through a large company (molly maids, etc) they're taking money off the top and less of that fee goes to the individuals actually doing the work.

I really like your insight on this. My lady cooks almost all my meals, except for in seasons where we bbq. And i just try to step in and do the dishes for her while she cooks or try to do other stuff like sweep or prepare the table while shes busy at the stove. Its a good balance and it really works for us.

You have to clean everyday. It doesn’t have to be all at once.

This tradeoff is some of the best relationship advice I've read. It's jot fair for either party to have to completely conform to the other but this is actively trying to find a happy balance here.

Agree to hire a cleaner if you guys can afford it

That's what I do as well, I call it puttering lol. It gets a lot done.

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One way to help yourself become more aware of the small cleaning tasks is to set reminders on your phone or calendar. That way, you can be sure to stay on top of the tasks that need to be done and also make sure that your fiancé does not feel like she is the only one doing the cleaning. Additionally, you can try doing a quick clean-up before bed to make sure that the home is tidier before you go to sleep. Finally, try to make a habit of cleaning up right away when you make a mess or use something, so that you don't have to worry about it later.

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My advice is to agree to a schedule.

In our house we have the following:

“Clean 15”: after every meal, everyone takes 15 minutes to do as much clean up as possible in the kitchen and dining room. If there’s time left, you can tidy up elsewhere, do some dusting, whatever.

“Dirty 30” every other day, everyone does a half hour tidy up in the main areas of the house. Some reduce clutter, others may clean a bathroom. It doesn’t really matter what the specific job is, but it should take a focused effort of about 30 minutes.

“Hour of power” once a week. Everyone commits a full hour to housework. Whatever needs it the most, gets done.

The key rules are:

1. Everyone in the house participates at the same time.

2. Everyone gets as much done as they can in the time specified. No slacking.

3. At the end of the allotted time, everyone stops. - even if there is more that can be done, it can wait for the next dirty thirty.

My suggestion is to follow her lead when it comes to cleaning, but also go at your own pace. You say she likes to clean things as soon as their dirty so you can help here by putting used dishes away, put used clothes in the laundry basket and properly sorted, inverted, whatever.

There's an easy cleaning mantra that will help you:

"Don't put it down; put it away."

If you see your wife cleaning something that's a bigger task offer to help or just start helping. How you did things in the past is not how you will do things in your new family. Your wife might relax over time or she might pretend she is while feeling an underlying feeling of stress that the house isn't more clean.

Just be helpful and do your best. Cleaning is a great time to catch up on podcasts or listen to a book on tape. The Lord of the Rings read by Andy Serkis are really enjoyable.

Years ago NPR had this home cleaning expert on. She was asked how to maintain a clean house with a busy adult life. She said there were two paths and to pick one.

Path 1 - once a month take a whole day to clean. Clean the whole house and get it all done and spend the entire day if you need to. When the time comes to clean again your whole home will need it.

Path 2 - once a week you clean one room. Clean it thoroughly. Rotate rooms weekly and by the time that room's turn is up again it will need to be cleaned.

For me it works to do a small task . Like it’s better to just clean the sink or just vacuum and then start from there . If I feel like cleaning some more, that’s great. If not at least I have cleaned something 🙂

HIGHLY RECOMMEND. This saved my marriage. At the height of the pandemic I was like IDGAF we’re hiring a cleaning service. They come every two weeks and I’d give up a lot before I’d give up Maria and her amazing crew.

Dyson V15 Detect Absolute

Your fiancé has the right idea for keeping a clean house.

Generally it takes a minute or two to keep things in a clean condition (loading the dishes as you use them) versus taking longer when you wait to do a “deeper clean” (waiting to load dishes until the end of the day).

Plus cooking in a clean kitchen is just so nice lol

Yes! If anyone remember venn diagrams in school. Figure out what chores to share in the middle and what each person can do that the other one won’t. Also, hiring cleaning services, whether once a week, once a month, twice a week, whatever a couple can afford is a game changer… i know a couples’ therapist who first asks couples if the money spent on therapy would be better spent on a cleaning service.

Get a dishwasher and a robot vacuum

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I did something like this with my son when he was younger. I got fed up with the arguments about cleaning his room so I told him I was setting the timer for 15 minutes, and he had to clean the whole 15 minutes, but then he was done FOR THE DAY. We were going to do it every day, though.

My son LOVED it. He made it a game trying to get more done than me (so of course I let him "win.") but really, it was a game changer for both of us. We both realized that MANY things didn't take as long to do as we thought they did, and after about two weeks, the house was really clean and stayed that way. And then every time we had 10 minutes before we had to leave or something, instead of scrolling on our phones, we'd find something to clean.

This is how my parents work, and it does fantastic for them.
My mom is very much a clean-when-you-can type person (minus floors--she hates dirty floors), whereas my dad is a clean-as-you-go type person.
My mom has made strides to be mindful, and after 30 years of marriage, they're about at the same level. My mom does the floors, the dusting, and the bathrooms while trying to maintain her spaces to a good level of clean. They split the laundry and some of the yardwork, and will work together to clean up if company is coming over. My dad does the rest, because it's automatic to him.
My brother and his wife have also established similar guidelines.
Relationships are a unity of two people, and mindful, realistic compromises are vital.

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This really is the way to do it. You can’t consider yourself “done” with a task until it’s in the same state you started in. So if you’re cooking, don’t eat until you do the dishes (even if that’s just rinsing out the pan or letting it soak). That’s what I do with my roommates because it’s not fair to be keeping something dirty when others could be using it and it’s also not fair to make them clean your things. Obviously a romantic partner is different, but treating them like a roommate can be helpful for avoiding living situation conflicts since at the end of the day you are sharing a space.

When you are the kind of person who doesn't notice mess, you have to have routines. For example, no need to notice whether or not the living room needs picking up if you just do it every night before bed. No need to notice whether or not the bathroom needs cleaning if you clean it every week.

Until you get to the guy who is happy to eat cereal out of a shoe...

Hire a cleaner. If financially viable. Move on to more serious issues faster 😎😂🤣

“Don’t put it down, put it back”

I’ve recommended the Tody app so many times. It splits down each room into different tasks with different frequencies. You could go through and set it up together. It’ll take a while but then you have a schedule you can (hopefully) agree on and each day it gives you a list of the tasks to be done that day to stay on top of things.

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Every 2 weeks? Damn I imagine that it's pretty dirty by the end of that second week.

I couldn't imagine. I am like your partner. I clean all the time and then deep clean once a week.

My GF is like you she has trouble noticing things in the moment unless she is actively cleaning.

You could also consider being the only one to do the chore she dislikes doing the most. My girlfriend doesn't like doing dishes and scrubbing the toilets. I took those both on and we live in better harmony.

This can go beyond the actual assigning/completion of tasks. There’s a mental load that is carried by the person that ‘notices’ the things that need to be done and then is responsible for getting the materials from the store, planning to do it or assigning it to another person. There’s these ‘fairplay’ cards that ive been seeing a lot lately. They help people cohabitating realize and communicate about ‘all’ of the things needing to be done around the house, and each person takes on ‘set tasks’ from start to finish.

get the cleaning lady, sounds like adhd

This is what I do. I like to say I'm always cleaning, and therefore I never have to clean. It just always feels like it's done because the habit is so ingrained that it takes no effort to do things as I go.

I can't help you with your interpersonal issue, but there are some problems that you can throw money at.

Dishwashers, robot vacuums, kitchen organizers, a dishpan for the few things that really benefit from a soak, an extra laundry basket dedicated for towels, trash and recycling bins in every room, power tub scrubbing brush, for most cleaning nemeses there's a tool to make it easier.

Except for clutter. You're on your own for that one ;-)

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I love the 'Sweepy' app. It really helps me stay on top of things (when I remember to check it!).

This. My husband and I have a cleaning schedule that we follow. I also hate bathrooms, so he does them. But that means I do all the outdoor chores, which he hates (mowing, yard work, washing cars, etc)

how about Baileys from a shoe

Little and often is the key to a clean home.

I plug this book a lot but I really love it- KC Davis How To Keep House While Drowning

I call it farting around

Don't eat until the dishes are done? Lolwut? So after I finish cooking, my family gets to eat while I'm washing cookwear?

Talk it over with her but I've had success going around in a schedule. Monday is bathroom, Tuesday is Hallways, Wednesday is Kitchen, etc. If it's your turn on a day, you just spend 20 minutes cleaning up in there. For bathroom day that usually means wipe down the tub/sink/toilet and put the linens in the laundry, but sometimes there's a bigger job to focus on. It takes pressure off other areas of the house.

For daily-ish chores, utilize the power of waiting and link them to something you're already doing. Wipe down a counter while your hot pocket microwaves. Rinse the tub while waiting for the water to heat up. It sounds like your partner has already attached finishing eating and doing the dishes

If you can afford it, hire a cleaning service. Oh and a robot vacuum helps keep the floors clean every day.

I was in the same situation as you. How my wife and I got me to improve my perception is instead of just picking up after me, she’d grab me and point me to an area and ask what’s wrong here. You need to both go into this with a lot of humility to make it work.

That conscious checking is what you should be doing all the time, but initially getting help with figuring out where something needs attending to helps accelerate the process. It will initially take a little more effort on their part, but it will prevent them from shouldering the domestic burden for the rest of your relationship

Depends on whether I'm in a club where people wee on each other

My ex-wife wanted to do this, but she'd still only do a single load of dishes after waiting over a week to touch them. Then she'd act all like the hero when she washed like 20/100 dishes and was like. "Now it's your turn!"

Moral of the story, don't be my ex-wife if you're going to do this.

I'm lazy by nature, hence I clean everything immediately. I spend 30 seconds wiping something down, washing dishes etc rather than letting it build up and being a half hour job. Put the shit away now, wipe the sink, put the clothes out for the morning, then you can sit on your arse with no guilt about things you should be doing and spend longer sitting down/ in bed

Yeah that's one I have trouble with. I try to clean as I go while cooking, but sometimes stuff is left over and I don't want to eat my dinner cold. So the dishes have to wait til later, which is sometimes the next day when I have time for them.

Sink of hot soapy water when cooking, as soon as something if finished with quick wash and on the draining board, pans washed before you eat ( food going to be nuclear hot anyway) then just plates and cutlery left to do ( they take 20 seconds) back to sitting on arse

This is excellent advice! Thanks!

Yeah, that sounds like what normal folks do. Growing up, my dad's rule was, whoever made dinner was exempt from dishes. Helped motivate my brother and I to cook for the family a couple times a week.

Any chance you can get a dishwasher? You can both put dishes in it throughout the day and then you can run it at night. Your fiance will like how it prevents dishes from piling up in the sink, and you'll like how it's one daily task.

If that's not an option, consider a pair of dish racks (clean and dirty) or similar. If you can keep things organized throughout the day, that will make the kitchen cleaner. A place for everything, everything in its place.

Awesome job dude! Just knowing you’re falling sort and trying to understand how she may be feeling puts you strides before other people.

Honestly this sounds weird but have you considered a couple of things to make the tasks less steps?

Small trash cans with no lids. (Small forces it to be taken out regularly, no lids means fewer steps to the task)

Have a couple of laundry baskets, also no lids. If she knows that she won’t reliably go to the bathroom and put it in that hamper, then have a couple of hampers in the house. She’ll be much more likely to put things in the basket if it’s right there than she would if it was two rooms down.

Have you heard of the mental load?

Yes.

Solutions like this one can lead to more frustration and resentment because one party carries the entire mental load. It can also be detrimental to the relationship because it feels… almost parental, living with someone who needs to be reminded to take out the trash and do the dishes and fold their laundry

Great advice. Exactly what I tried to do in my most recent relationship, but I was the only one who actually focused on the agreement we made, and he was free to change it however he pleased....

My boyfriend and I traded dishes for laundry, still in agreement a year since

Maybe take a photo of the room clean, and then assess the state of the room when she cleans compared vs when it is clean.

I’ll also say, talk to her. Maybe split tasks and discuss what you both see.

I use a spreadsheet. Each row has the name of a chore, how often it needs to be done (# of days), and the date it was last done. Then a simple calculation for how many days until the chore will be due again. If that number is zero (or negative), it’s time to do the chore. You can sort by this column to put all of the day’s chores together, add conditional formatting to make them stand out, etc.

What you end up with is basically a to-do list telling you exactly what chores need to be done on any given day. When you finish a chore, mark it off by putting in today’s date. It doesn’t necessarily make doing the chores any easier, and of course you still have to remember to check the spreadsheet every day, but you never have to expend any mental energy figuring out what you need to do.

This was originally a way for me to keep track of those annoying chores that only need to be done a few times a year, which are easy to lose track of. But now I use it for basically everything.

gotta default to the cleaner of the two viewpoints. Change.

Start by making a list of each room that you do things in, then list the different things in that room that change state. It is much easier to spot changes when you know what you're looking for. It also will help to watch when she cleans to see what is important to her.

• Kitchen
  • Sink: Clean dishes
  • Counters: Wipe counters
  • Floors: Sweep floors (daily) mop (weekly)
  • Dishwasher (load or empty)
• Bathroom
  • Towels: on hooks
  • Clothes: to laundry
  • etc
• Bedroom
  • bed
    • Unmade: make it
    • Clothes on it: put away
  • etc

Pick a room or an area of a room each day. Clean it. By focusing on a smaller area (rather than the whole house) you will have an easier time of seeing what needs to be done. And, if you keep it up, day after day, she is going to notice and appreciate what you do. Also, be sure the shared spaces are cleared of your own stuff.

No-one has to carry that responsibility.

It is advise that the OP can ponder and take or leave, and if taken have an adult conversation with his sweetheart, whether such a plan is appropriate for them.

By the sounds of the replies I'm getting, It's like I suggested he drag her into a cave and force her to do as she's told.

I'm done here.

Over and Out.

Edit: the replies, not this replies.

1. "Whoever makes the mess has to clean it up" This is a rule that I was taught as a young man and it seems to translate to responsibility.
2. "Clean as you go" Short Term Pain for Long Term Gain. Wash the pan when the food is off, make the bed when you're done sleeping, bored? Vacuum! Front-load the stuff you don't wanna do and get it over with.

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xo

Easiest thing is to help her when you see her cleaning up. She’s doing dishes? Help her rinse or put them away. She’s vacuuming? Get out a rag and start dusting. Make it a group activity and it’ll go a long way. Do that for a few weeks and it’ll quickly become habit. Good on you to recognize that you’re the problem and make an effort to help keep a tidier house.

There is some give and take here for both sides. I saw another comment that recommended finding some tasks she doesn't like or that your are good at and make sure you're on top of them like it's your job. I am the dishes and vacuuming guy at my house for various reasons. Laundry is her domain (because I'm incapable of remember to change the load and garbage at folding...). The rest we split up and tackle together. We both have to accept that we don't like living in other people's mess, even messes of ones we love. Sometimes that means you might have to clean a little more frequently than you like. Likewise, she may need to let a mess sit for a short while for you to take care of it.

I think her demands are a bit unreasonable. i recommend the book How to Keep House While Drowning by LC Davis and look at what is functional for cleaning versus internalized ideals of what “clean” means.

Bbq season never ends !

This is the best advice, and it stretches beyond cleaning.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years, we’ve really never so much as had a disagreement on almost anything. And that’s simply because we just talk things out when they come up. Just have to be open minded and willing to see and understand your partner’s viewpoint (which it sounds like OP already has a good grasp on).

Love this !

Get a cleaner to come and vacuum, mop, clean bathroom and kitchen etc once every two weeks. Takes some of the load of her and lots of the bother off you, while showing you do care.

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Either that or become a tidy minded person, binge watch mary kondo, just put shit away. The other choice is way easier.

In college we did a power hour but it sounds different.

I'm a "don't eat until the pots and pans are cleaned up" type of person.

Once the food is on the stove, I get everything cleaned up and put away while the food is cooking.

When the food is finished cooking, I put my food on my plate and rinse the pots and pans hot off the stove after I transfer the food.

I've found that if I do this, before anything has a chance to cool off and set up, the food residue rinses right off the pots and pans instantly. It's so much faster that it's worth taking the extra minute or so before eating.

I set a timer every day for 15 min and spend that time cleaning. I typically do it in the morning while my coffee’s is brewing. I can get 80% of my weekly cleaning done using this method.

The last thing you need is for her to feel like she’s your mom. That does not end well.

I think that depends on whether both his arms are broken or not.

Huh? I’m not sure why you’re acting like I’m suggesting you be burned at the stake. You shared your opinion publicly, which allows people to reply, contribute, expand on your thoughts, or disagree. They should certainly be respectful, but disagreeing with you isn’t inherently disrespectful.

I’m just pointing out that your proposed solution is not creating an equal division of labor, and is likely to detrimentally impact the relationship. This is relevant since OP seems to be motivated by a desire to keep an even division of labor for the sake of the relationship. If she is managing the mental load, his fiancé will still feel like she’s doing the majority of the work, because she will be.

Don’t put it down, put it away.

Sounds like my ex-gf. She would procrastinate on cleaning, and then clean for a couple hours one morning (not making a dent) and would be like “I’m sooo exhausted from cleaning so much!” Never mind that was just the mess she left in her room from the last month. But really it was just a show so that counseling appointment that was scheduled for that morning she would have something to say like “I am the only one that cleans!”

She also yelled at me when I moved in for (trying to help) putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, but because it wasn’t a full load, someone thought it was clean and put dirty dishes away. I couldn’t believe they would let the dirty dishes pile up for days at a time and not be grossed out.

It didn’t take long after having to do 5+ loads of dishes a week (I’m one person and there were 4 others in the house) where I just said screw it and washed and put away my dishes each time leaving them to their mess. Was an eye opener for them that I did not move in to be their maid.

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I pay $100 for three hours (cash in hand) and this is Australia which is stupidly expensive. The cleaner does my 4 bed, 2 bath house in that time and helps us stay on top of things. There must be somewhere? I checked the classifieds to find mine. Gumtree online. Your equivalent would be Facebook marketplace (if they have a cleaning category) or Craigslist. I found that actual companies also advertise using these because it's free. Obviously with Craigslist use caution and ask to see evidence of police checks and bonded and insured that type of thing. For me, my insurance covers the cleaner and I just made sure she had a police check done. She's a lovely lady and has been very reliable.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Get the deck.

Sorry, I wrote wrong, and never meant to single you. I've edited the offending comment.

You are correct of course. And I'm free to end my engagement on what is a matter of opinion. I'm not here to change anyone's mind.

Thanks for your time.

My parents home was always neat as a pin. Dad vacuumed every day (did the heavy lifting things) mom was in charge of the kitchen. Beds always made and yard always looked great. It’s just how they rolled. So I think it’s teamwork. You being tuned in to this is fantastic!

Just do it not for you but for her. I too build to the point of action, but I had to do the right after for the sake of peace (and piece).

Clean all the things that you can see, and leave the things you can't see to her.

When cooking I like to clean up while the food is cooking. Whether it’s between flips on the pan or if something is in the oven. You can get a lot done during that time that would otherwise be wasted.

Its annoying at first but if you think about how much this makes your wife happy and loved then it gets much less annoying. Then you get used to it and you realize that your wife was right.

Cleaning people are there to clean, not pick up first, unless that is in the agreement.

Invite friends and family to stay over more often. My wife and I clean like crazy when we know we have house guests coming over.

I clean houses for a living so, at my own place, I choose #1. It does take me all day but it’s great when its done!

This. My wife and I long ago settled into a cadence and area of expertise. I’m the kitchen cook and dish washer, garbage taker outer, cat box cleaner and laundry doer (but not folder) and she’s the floors, bathrooms and green thumb. Occasionally she rage cleans and I GTFO.

A marriage therapist gave us this tip.

Make a list of all the things that need to be done. Divide them into: Daily, weekly, monthly, etc. Then seperately (so the other cant see) write down how much this being done matters to you (scale of 1-10).

The person it matters to more gets ownership of that chore. You are more willing to do it if it matters to you. If the ownership list for each category is super lopsided review for chore time, difficulty, etc and try to make it fair. IE: mowing the lawn takes more time and effort that sweeping the kitchen, wiping the counters and unloading rhe dishwasher combined.

Then you each commit to own the stuff on your list, in the timefram alloted (daily, weekly, monthly, etc) and you dont do the other persona chorea or nag them as long as its getting done on time.

Implimenting this was great for communication, compromise and setting clear boundaries and expectations. Saved a ton of arguments and resentment.

Cleaning up immediately is objectively better unless you have something urgently important that you should do instead.

The dishes? Clean them immediately and the food just washes right off. Clean them hours later means you need to do extra work getting the dried on food off.

Putting things away immediately after you’re done with them means they are out of the way and you know exactly where to find them when you need it next. Your house is more enjoyable to live in and you can invite guests over without worrying about cleaning before they show up.

You notice the time it takes to clean and organize (which you have to do now or later), but you don’t notice the small amounts of time wasted doing extra work because things are waiting around for you to clean. Individually those things don’t seem like a lot of wasted time but it adds up. And what are you gaining by waiting?

Rage cleaning…yeah, I scared my husband the first time I did that near him.

If you can afford it have a cleaner in every week or every fortnight

Offer to do the deeper cleaning, weekly stuff, like moping, vacuuming, windows, etc...

I'm a daily cleaner too, but I hate deep cleaning.

>don't put it down, put it away.

Often known as the OHIO method: Only Handle It Once.

If my husband puts his dirty dishes in an empty sink instead of the dirty dishwasher and I then have to add them to the dishwasher to start the load, he's essentially DOUBLING the labor we have to do to maintain the dishes. These small acts add up.

As someone still in a live-in relationship after 33 years and 3 children, please do what the Eggplant says.

Very early in our relationship, he said in an exasperated tone "Why don't you clean the shower? Can't you see it's dirty?".

My very pragmatic response was "No. I don't see that it's dirty. I'm blind as a bat, and I don't wear my glasses in the shower".

He does cleaning.

I cook, but only do dishes each morning after breakfast. He's OK with that. He doesn't like the way I hang laundry, so he does that.

So yeah, sit down and work out a chore split that works for each person.

A cordless vacuum has helped me so much. I didn’t think the cord was holding me back, but apparently it was. So easy to just grab it and zip through a room while I’m waiting for coffee to brew or whatever!

I just learned the name to how I clean sometimes... RAGE CLEANING!

I didn't know it was a thing..lol

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Easiest trick: hiring a cleaning person...

Do you love me Howard? Could you love me? I’m old Greg….

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Let she clean small routine things.

You can do a deep clean every week (mop, dust, wipe windows, toilet, etc) to show her that you care and she will also appreciate the extra cleaness.

That sounds like the best therapist recommendation I've heard yet lol

I hate cleaning, especially dishes, so I clean them immediately after using, small incremental effort is much easier to commit to than one big one and it keep my mind at ease washing 1 piece at a time instead of the prospect of washing a whole basin of dirty dishes.

Before you leave a room, look around. Is something out of place, does a cup need taking to the kitchen, if you are heading upstairs is there laundry to go up, before you leave the kitchen is there something out on the side?

I think this is a good way to get tidier.

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This!! Get a robot vacuum. Having a perfectly clean floor every single day truly makes your entire house feel so much cleaner. I strive to be a clean person but I’m just not. The robot vacuum helps a ton with that. And you don’t have to do any work for it. Hands down the best money I ever spent.

Well, you could take the cleaner's car keys, and do what you can to make them feel welcome. That might keep the cleaner home

My husband and I recently talked about this. We discussed a frequency that will work for us both and created lists and delegated tasks for ourselves that we didn’t mind doing. He likes folding and putting away laundry I like cleaning the toilet Definitely have a chat and and find out what works for you both. When thinking about the small things and becoming more aware just do a quick scan and think.. what would she do if she saw this. I have to say it’s much easier to keep on top of things when a home is already clean. Having a kid, 2 weeks is far too long to wait for us to say hoover or mop floors but again you’ve got to think about what factors into your life that changes your chore frequency.. if that makes sense

My wife hates washing dishes so when we got together we made the compromise that I will wash all the dishes and in exchange she will be the one who does the vacuuming because I hate vacuuming I don't like the loud constant sound it makes as I always feel like I am bothering the people around me when I do it.

A robot vacuum will help a lot

Yes sir, thank you sir.

You need a schedule. I have the same problem - I don't really notice mess until it gets out of hand. So you can't rely on noticing it, you've got to have a habit of checking. While the coffee is brewing, are there any food crumbs on the kitchen counters/dishes in the sink etc. If I get up to go to the kitchen, I scan the room I'm in for any dishes, any rubbish I need to throw away. While dinner's in the oven, do I need to run the hoover around and so on.

Maybe discuss with her what she's noticed you're slacking on and make a habit to check frequently if you're doing that or not.

the one who would like the house cleaner cleans

She should lower her standards, though, or accept that she will do more. Your standard is perfectly acceptable and hygienic, which is the only thing that really matters.

Honestly, I'd show her this exact post and ask for her help figuring out a plan that works for you both. It articulates where you struggle well, and articulates that you don't want her to carry the full cleaning load.

Possible thing to suggest might be a division along the lines of the as-it-happens and the weekly big things. If you struggle to notice the small things, but can take on the big once a week clean of the floors, bathrooms, etc, that could take a big chunk out for her.

The division me and my partner do is that we do a blitz together when our schedules line up - just clean the place for a couple of hours together. It sounds like mini blitzes a couple times a week may fit more with your fiancee's needs, but it's important that you talk to her on that rather than just assume.

You could always lock the cleaner in the closet.

Make sure to give some water and bread.

My ex's family used to this when they daughters were all teenagers. It fell apart because they had a tiny house, and the rule was that if you weren't in for dinner that day (as teens often aren't), it was still your turn to wash up. It ended up me going there and just washing up whenever I could as you couldn't use the kitchen otherwise.

The main thing that helps us is keeping a spray bottle of all purpose cleaner (a nice, refillable one) and a supply of rags HANDY, like RIGHT THERE, in the kitchen, on the counter. That way you can clean off the stove top, counter, spills in the fridge, coffee maker, faucets, spot clean floor, fronts of appliances, all while you're waiting for your coffee to brew or your pizza to warm up. SO EASY. Your kitchen will always look nice too. Look for dirt, you'll find it. And kill it. You are brilliant for trying to do better!

Sounds like she might have OCD. I think so because I'm the exact same way.

If you are vacuuming when I am home you are bothering me :) so glad I live with a wife that hates cat hair and three cats. I love my wife :) so much vacuuming.

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