> my mom hasn’t even passed and i’m a M E S S.

I'm so sorry, I totally get it. I was as well. Losing a parent isn't easy. My girlfriend lost her father a few months before mine so we've both been grieving.

Only advice I can offer is to work towards remembering and celebrating the great times, forgive the bad, and to work towards personal closure as best as you can to anything which is lingering heavy in your heart. I wish I had done that more while he was still with us.

Difficult time. So sorry. :(