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Erulastiel t1_j28isgs wrote

Punching bag, like they take things out on you?

Drop them. You'll make new friends that are less toxic. Slowly distance yourself from them until you can get to a place where you can just ghost them.

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Salicilic_Acid-13C6_ t1_j28k8br wrote

I stopped talking to my abusive friends a few years ago and I'm the happiest I've been in about 20 years. Hell is other people.

204

flowerpanes t1_j29dr3j wrote

I tend to agree. I hadn’t truly realized how being around toxic people wore my soul down till I quit my job and spent more time by myself. Crazy how even just listening to other peoples issues just put my mental health in the toilet.

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KingPumpkin13 t1_j29fagv wrote

>just listening to other peoples issues just put my mental health in the toilet.

💯

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GardenRave0416 t1_j2b6scm wrote

Gotta pour one to our homies: the therapist that listen to our problems.

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the_original_Retro t1_j29br2u wrote

Refinement: Hell is other wrong people.

It's not all other people.

I have some solid, dependable friends and they're the exact opposite of 'hell'.

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Batwoman_2017 t1_j28ll9z wrote

Make yourself less available. Get busier. Don't accept all their invites to hang out.

But most importantly, hold your ground when they get upset with you for not spending time with them.

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Relative_Chef_533 t1_j28u0ar wrote

get comfortable being alone and go do fun things alone — go to museums, join clubs and activities, hike.

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LadyVampfire t1_j292ysb wrote

Many others here have given you the right advice, move on, and find new friends. But also respect yourself more. If you keep going back to these people whilst knowing how they are going to treat you, then a part of you may feel like you deserve it. Trust me, you don't. There's a whole world out there with better people in it to make friends with.

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An_Anonymous_Acc t1_j29cjnv wrote

Stand up for yourself.

Think about what an adult would do. If a friend of mine started verbally abusing me, I'd look at him as if they've lost their minds. They don't get to make fun of me. Nobody does.

"Stop being an asshole" is a very effective sentence. So is asking "what's your problem?". Speak it clearly and calmly. If it doesnt work the first time, repeat it, or just roll your eyes and ignore them.

If it continues, find new friends

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Ok_Tomato_2132 t1_j29q8mg wrote

This right there! Learning to stand up against abusers is very useful, I wouldn’t drop the friends directly as it can be a useful learning situation. Best case senario you stand up for yourself and they change their behaviors, second best, they don’t change but you now have the confidence to not take abuse and the next friends you make are gonna respect you.

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Quinquilharia t1_j28omko wrote

These aren't your friends. These are your abusers

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OnsterFancy t1_j299gkz wrote

As somebody recently coming to terms with a history of not treating people great, it is 100% best for you to create distance. If you've been hurt deeply for a while, then you need to take care of yourself first in this moment.

But one thing I will say different from some others in this thread is this: don't just ghost them. You don't necessarily owe them the courtesy of explaining to them why their shit stinks, especially if this has been happening consistently for years, but it is important for yourself to practice openly communicating how you're really feeling here. You certainly don't need to try to fix things. Make it clear to them and yourself why you need to create space. You don't owe them a letter, or even a conversation. But a simple message succicntly and firmly explaining your reason for backing off (being treated poorly) can go a long way. That way, in the future if you run into similar problems with new friends, you'll be able to articulate your needs in the relationship sooner and address the problems from the root.

The longer we let things fester without really talking them through to an end, whether that be reconciliation, relegation of your relationship to just being acquaintances, or the termination of a friendship, the more complicated and deep rooted some negative feelings like resentment and betrayal can really become. It can be hard to dig yourself out of that hole

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doctor1dragon t1_j2cq3sc wrote

If the person is abusive and violent, conversations are not going to solve anything

4

OnsterFancy t1_j2dwxxh wrote

You're absolutely right! The advice I gave above does not cover situations where physical violence or serious cycles of abuse are involved. That is a spectrum of problems I have no experience or business speaking on so I stuck to the things I do know.

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5400feetup t1_j28tcd5 wrote

This is not a friend.

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rexmaster2 t1_j2bdvlz wrote

Agreed! If they are treating you badly (especially on a regular basis), they are not friends.

7

beerandtots t1_j28kvwz wrote

Walk away. Say nothing.

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jvysvn t1_j28v0so wrote

find new friends. often times people feel locked in or too attached to longtime friends, it's okay to move on.

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LysergicRico t1_j28k7j1 wrote

There are great people out there. Your crap friends are holding you back from meeting them.

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porkavor t1_j28smv4 wrote

Go to therapy, find new hobbies, you will develope new friendships. Much healthier ones for sure.

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darkspd96 t1_j28x9qa wrote

... they're not your friend

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ExPorkie15 t1_j28v5n2 wrote

Fuck their significant others and then break off friendship.

6

climbinkid t1_j296wpy wrote

Man, it sucks. Three years ago, I decided to finally stand my ground against my two friends who were like that after many years of friendship. I told them no and I never heard from them again. In the end I took the advice everyone is mentioning here and walked away but I still think about them often and wonder if they think about me. It's never fun losing a friend but some people are only with us for a season of our lives and that's okay. You don't need to tolerate your friends. You should enjoy your friends.

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eviljason t1_j2ajiz1 wrote

Absolutely. People grow, people change. We shouldn’t tie ourselves to a version of that person that no longer exists. As you said, some people are just with us for a season.

My best friend from 4th grade through most of college and young adulthood and I parted ways a while back.

I relish our time together and look upon it fondly but we had just become very different people with different interests, political beliefs, religious beliefs, etc. and trying to hold the friendship together was really tough for us. It seemed like the harder we tried to get our friendship back on track, the more we argued. So, I pretty much said to him what I just said in this paragraph and we moved on. I check in on him and his family on occasion but we are no longer in each others lives and it is best for both of us.

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PlasmaHero t1_j29hlsi wrote

It's pretty short-sighted for someone to just say "Get new friends" What you really need to figure out is are they just being mean to you for no reason, or are there things that you need to improve upon that they're ripping you for in an uncharitable way. Like if you have bad breath, and they constantly clown you for it, it could just be their immature way of getting you to do something about it.

Some of us have different types of friends. I have friends that love to roast each other, and I have friends that are absolute marshmallows and would give you a hug in a heartbeat, and wouldn't say a mean thing to you. Both have their strengths and weaknesses, but one of the best things about friends is your ability to learn about yourself through them. What makes you allow them to do this? I would say we need more clarity to better help.

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JamesLeBond t1_j29wjr5 wrote

Others have said it, but I feel it needs to be repeated.

Cut negative people out of your life. This person is one of those people. Make yourself busier. A project. Work. Family. Or just unavailability. Don't feel guilty about it.

I had to make a similar type of decision to make years ago. I had a friend, both of us male, who started to grope me. I kid you not he'd meet me in the bar and he'd get a full fist full of my balls. He thought it was hilarious. I hated it. So I got "busy" doing other things, became unavailable.

Funny, only now when I look back I realise it was sexual abuse 🤣.

Anyway, the point is, you will NOT regret cutting this person out of your life. Was the best decision I ever made, it will be yours too.

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ultramadden t1_j28j8e4 wrote

if you can, hitting back will probably work. but get new friends. its an effort but certainly worth it in your situation and you won't become as toxic as them

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chris_downie t1_j296qa1 wrote

Besides finding new friends like others say, something that could be as important is to make yourself stronger both physically and mentally. The more you build your self-respect, the more others will feel this and also respect you. Best wishes to you!

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mrspascal t1_j29ago1 wrote

Highly suggest reading the book Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. Or any other book on the subject. If you don’t like reading, watch some videos from experts. If people are treating like a punching bag and you’re calling them friends, sounds like you have a need for some strong boundaries.

Not the same story at all. But my mother has NPD and I had zero understanding of boundaries or self worth until I was in my mid-20s. Learning about boundaries was life changing for me. I cannot recommend them enough.

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tenuto40 t1_j2auckb wrote

If you ever mentioned it to them and they blew it off, they are not your friends.

Took me 20 years to drop some friends because I kept gaslighting myself that “time means something”.

No, it doesn’t, and I’ve felt so much better moving forward with my life. I May not have a core group of friends, but a zero is much much better than a negative.

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Composer-Right t1_j294wmi wrote

As others have recommended, find new relationships that could become your new friends.

And, think about why they behaved that way and it was OK for a while. Until it was not.

There. Probably you are landing at self respect. We are the ones who need to elevate self love and self respect. You are a beautiful, talented person who has the capacity to be open about this with the world.

Now, amplify that energy and raise the bar on what you expect from life and how your relationships should matter to you more.

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Chemistry_Lover40 t1_j28z8r8 wrote

Do your own thing, don’t call them and see who calls you. Go to school or get a certification w your free time. Enjoy life

3

canadian_boyfriend t1_j297emu wrote

It's okay to breakup with friends, people move on and live their lives.

3

TrialENDErr t1_j29bdtc wrote

Make new friends but also, take a step back and ask yourself, is there anything in yourself that made you vulnerable to them? if it's something you can change, work on that. You don't want the same pattern in new friendships.

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eviljason t1_j2ajzi2 wrote

Assess the relationship, define what deal breakers have been identified by this friendship and look for people with the traits you would like in a friend.

1

SummerNothingness t1_j2a5oao wrote

ghost them, pursue new hobbies and activities, go to new places, and develop healthy friendships with people who treat you well.

if you don't stop hanging with the people who are hurting you, then you're not showing yourself any love or respect.

of course if you think these people are capable of changing and they truly care about you then you should call them out and stand up for yourself.

no matter what, always focus on protecting yourself and standing up for yourself.

3

BloodChasm t1_j2avs9w wrote

I just realized this a couple months ago. I dropped them completely. They don't text me first anyways so it was as simple as me not hitting them up. Within the past two months I managed to study and pass a Microsoft certification exam, got a raise at work, and hit new PRs at the gym. I never realized how much my mental health suffered while staying friends with toxic people. The saying, "you are a combination of the 5 closest people in your life" definitely holds some weight.

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InstructionMain6079 t1_j2935nk wrote

Learn some self-respect and get new friends who respect you.

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ElMiko97 t1_j295v84 wrote

Get better friends...

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the_original_Retro t1_j29bjyi wrote

Need more details OP.

This could be anything from a throwaway expression based on how you feel, to an actual physical abuse situation.

C'mon. Spill. Share examples, and whether or if you've done ANYTHING AT ALL to try and rectify it.

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KillJarke t1_j29hdcm wrote

Stop being friends with them. The answer is pretty clear.

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TurdlyBobbit t1_j29t5cq wrote

Get a hobby and find people who inspire you.

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FoldingFan1 t1_j29upkp wrote

If you have not tried it yet, try to have a conversation about it. In most cases it's best to talk to them one on one. Let them know you have a serious concern and what to talk. Think about what they do that bothers you and what they could do (and what you are/ are not willing to do) to improve the situation.

A friend is someone that takes you serious when you tell them you feel like a punching bag. They are willing to look at their own behaviour, apologize where needed and it matters to them that you feel that way.

So two things can happen:

  1. The result is a good and honest talk, after which the situation changes (immediately). Then the friendship will have evolved into a better one.
  2. the result is not a good talk (they don't take you serious, or laugh at you or tell you to not be a softy, erc). Then the friendship was really not a friendship at all.

Option 3) is ghosting but then you don't give them a change of outcome 1.

Option 4) is to do nothing. Your resentment will likely grow over time (the fact that you ask the question makes it very likely that you are getting fed up). So the friendship most likely won't last.

So talking can be scary and a risk. But (assuming you stayed friends all this time because of the good things) it has the larges change for this to take a positive turn. The friendships you loose over it are the ones you are better of without, the ones that evolve are worth keeping.

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kuddoo t1_j2a2se4 wrote

They aren't your friends. You might think so, but they don't.

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notatrumpchump t1_j2ab47p wrote

Very sorry to hear that. I went through a similar thing basically due to my low self-esteem, I would hang out with anyone who would hang out with me. But they treated me like shit, and it took a while for me to figure that out. But now I have a rule I don’t hang out with people treat me like shit. It sounds pretty basic, and it is. Really examine how they treat you. I’m not saying you won’t be lonely, but you need to actively and I repeat -actively- seek out a new life and new friends. Good luck.

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_--00--_ t1_j2abivn wrote

So every group I was in also had a punching bad and I was never it.

Generally there are 2 things to do:

  1. Punch back,with words, come backs. Study how they make fun of you. Apply same logic back.

  2. Drop them as friends and find nicer ones

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Poohdini_ t1_j2aipq5 wrote

First. They are not your friends. Second. You need to cut people like that from your life. Just start ignoring me and hanging out with them. I dont know what age you are, but if you are still at younger side it should be easier to acquaint new people and form new friendships. Depends also on your social skills.

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Individual-Self-2292 t1_j2bavri wrote

Ghost them get out of there or else they'll do something so stupid that you lose your shit and tell them how it really is... Your anger will make you look like the bad person, just ghost them out. That will speak volumes trust me

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Funny_Disaster1002 t1_j2bd7r8 wrote

Don't talk to them anymore. From now on, make sure that you have boundaries and don't engage with people who won't respect them.

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MedioXrity t1_j2bsoxx wrote

I have a friend whose been in this situation, and the worst thing about it is that he doesn't understand how vital it is that he removes himself from that circle. If you understand how unhealthy that kind of dynamic is for you and your friends, you'll ditch them. "Close" how, may I ask? If they make you feel like shit, why are they close to you? Do their actions make you trust and appreciate them more, or less?

Best of luck :)

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PresentAir1133 t1_j2c4yyz wrote

Please, if possible, move on, find new, better, people who will earn your friendship, not abuse it. You deserve better.

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Sharpshooter188 t1_j2cf3xq wrote

You need to strengthen yourself in a lot of ways. Respect is earned. Workout, learn to socialize more outside of them, study. Do not be afraid to bite back. If it breaks the friendship than so be it. You have to imrpove yourself and then a new group will come to you over time. Just be sure to respect your new group as you understand what its like to be on the bad end.

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PhoenixRiptide44 t1_j2ck5sh wrote

I think you are better of with 'no friends' than the WRONG friends. Slowly they are chipping away at your self-worth and guiding you into depression. You don't need that! Don't underestimate the peace and enjoyment of being alone sometimes. Find a hobby. Chat online (I don't mean to money-grubbing scammers though), go for walks, get a pet.

Gradually you will make new friends. You don't need a heap of friends. You only need a couple of really good friends that love you for you, and value your friendship.

Ditch the toxic friends. Only Toxic people would make you feel like a punching bag.

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keepthetips t1_j28ic6i wrote

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

1

BigRhonda7632 t1_j29au62 wrote

Speak up. The solution is likely more simple than you realize.

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60qisoft t1_j29fdnw wrote

Stop giving them the time of day. It's your life.

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ThingThatsJustBegun t1_j29g2e5 wrote

I used to be the whipping boy in my group. I turned it around on them started relentlessly giving it back to them as good as they gave it to me. It was glorious.

Stand up for yourself.

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MotherSuperior91 t1_j29i2gd wrote

I love them but I couldn’t take it anymore. It hurts but I honestly can’t say I’m better or worse. I’m just okay I guess. I’m 31 with not little to no active friends in my life.

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MegaWattson t1_j29ks3w wrote

Do they also ask you for money all the time and not pay you back?

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Loplo_Fox t1_j29pd8i wrote

Every time they bug you cut off one finger.

1

ExperientialTruth t1_j29s9lj wrote

Fucking punch back. One of two things happen. One, they acquiesce and y'all become even better friends, albeit ones who can still rip on each other. Two, they double down, and you realize (unfortunately) that you fucked up because they were never your friends. Which leaves you with fewer friends, sure, but thinking how much life you have left and focus that on surrounding yourself with the right people.

Worried you'll spend a lot of time alone? Face that shit head on and based on your personality (introvert, extrovert), find creative ways to meet new people. Or actually face it and realize that being alone for periods of time is a hallmark of human existence; it doesn't make you special, weak - it makes you boringly "normal."

Good luck OP.

1

Shizz-happens t1_j29uvez wrote

Stop doing that. Boundaries are key. Good fences make good neighbors.

1

ChrisPChicken04 t1_j29xig4 wrote

You need to elaborate. How so? Like the butt of every joke? Or like you do things for them constantly?

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zeus287 t1_j29xrgs wrote

Stop considering that person as a friend, having some good time together before shouldn't make a friendship lasts forever if you feel miserable

1

Phutsorn t1_j29ywwd wrote

A lot of people saying drop them, which can help in a lot of scenarios these are your closest friends, and imma assume you do not want to do that.

In my experience trying to push back, every time your opinion gets challenged always double down. Try and stand up for yourself and assuming your friends like to make fun of each other do not be scared to 'punch' back

really depends on what type of friendship you have.

1

_TheOneTrueBean_ t1_j2a09o4 wrote

Find some real friends not people who just bag on you.

1

Past_Trouble t1_j2a8ppb wrote

Start punching back. Or find new friends, depends on what you're into.

1

Senior-Sharpie t1_j2afx2p wrote

Start punching back! (Stand up for yourself) In the words of “Dear Abby” No one can take advantage of you unless you let them.

1

quasiscythe t1_j2alnn5 wrote

I can think of a few options depending on how literal "punching bag" is; if these friends demean and insult you, leave and get new friends without question. Those aren't friends. You don't owe them an explanation, and standing up for yourself will become a source of confidence that will aid you while looking for new friends. If these friends just make you the butt of jokes, perhaps you're timid/shy, and they aren't much worse than that - well, true friends would at least comment on your lack of confidence and try to help you get more. It would be valid to seek better friends in this case too. If you lack confidence and have self-deprecating humor that your friends perhaps go along with more than you would like, then if they are otherwise genuine friends, you could ask for their assistance in gaining confidence. However, it's worth emphasizing that for that last one, that it is only IF you may be excluding yourself a bit and your friends aren't doing much to exacerbate it.

1

ultimatec t1_j2anc1f wrote

Get new friends, there are 8 billion people

1

cat7932 t1_j2aqg7m wrote

You say "hey. I am not going to take this anymore." They either quit or you quit them. But the correct thing would be to have a discussion about it first.

1

Jimshorties t1_j2awwn6 wrote

Unfriend him/her. Walk away. Be done. That’s no friend.

1

teaLC20 t1_j2ax91m wrote

Take a look at DBT therapy. You'll learn skills to better tackle interpersonal relationships, distress tolerance and mindfulness. It'll be great for setting your boundaries not only with them but for a ton of other life things!

1

PuckStar t1_j2b1buv wrote

I'm sorry to hear that but i have to say they are not true friends. Leave them.

1

ThankfulWonderful t1_j2b2obc wrote

Get yourself a copy of “Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: how to stop the drama and move on with life”

It might help you realize the ways in which you’re being humiliated as you attempt to take care of other adults who need to look after themselves. It helped me a lot.

1

KhaosElement t1_j2b4l40 wrote

Walk away. You can find new (real) friends.

1

Mr_J_Divy t1_j2b68xj wrote

If you're the butt of every joke then start making jokes back. If they can't take it then make new friends.

1

Cup_Realistic t1_j2bhrrz wrote

They're not your friends. Drop them and set boundaries with your new ones.

1

Formerly777 t1_j2btgq9 wrote

Two suggestions I have

1 - roll with the punches, don’tshow frustration. Even double down on any jokes where you’re the butt of the joke assuming they are not incredibly hurtful and personal. That gives you room to then roast that person back and they are way more likely to be good natured about it.

2 - find new friends and implement number 1 permanently. It’s ok to get roasted and it’s fun if you’re not visibly frustrated because I promise you you will learn the ability to roast back.

1

jeffmc81 t1_j2bvhmo wrote

Be direct about it. I'm guessing you are pretty young. Everyone grows up. Just tell them that ain't your nickname anymore. Fun is fun but you aren't their clown. Then of course act like you aren't the clown anymore. Same thing happened to me years ago

1

yaymonsters t1_j2c1j2g wrote

Just be busier. Make new friends and hang with the ones that treat you the best.

1

McGauth925 t1_j2c47lv wrote

You mean, OTHER than find new friends?

1

lemongroovian t1_j2ca7kf wrote

Got rid of my toxic friends. If it wasn't 50/50 then I stopped making the effort. And since, I'm sure, they didn't make efforts, it will free up more of your time.

1

Imamiah52 t1_j2chl51 wrote

They're not friends.

1

multiplemom t1_j2chswl wrote

Ive actually been in this situation three times. Slow learner, I suppose.

In middle school, I just got up with my lunch tray and switched tables. Never spoke to them again as a “friend.” Never responded when any of them asked me why.

Second time, in my late teens, I just moved. Last minute, announced I was moving cross country, and left. It was sort of oddly interesting to watch them scramble in real time to rearrange the ranks and figure out who would be the new butt of the joke. And since none of them would take on that role for an extended period of time, there was a lot of in-fighting, and the group kind of split, and although they’re still friendly, it’s not like it used to be.

As an adult, I took it for a long time, and then I had my kids, and something changed. I finally bit back. It did not go over well. She completely blew her top. Went off the rails. We have not spoken since, and I don’t care. I have made other friends since, and although I was lonely for a period of time, I will never allow anyone to treat me in that manner again.

1

Training-March-9529 t1_j2cr7kf wrote

The sooner you ghost them, the sooner you will have time to make real friends.

1

manderifffic t1_j2cszns wrote

Stop hanging out with them. It's a lot easier than people think.

1

Pretend_Wind_4708 t1_j2cw4op wrote

Don’t go near them, don’t answer texts, emails or phone calls. It’s for your own good. If they’re human, they’ll figure it out. Chances are, they’ll give up and go away and you’ll know they were never true friends.

1

Brave_Forever_6526 t1_j28wj47 wrote

Do you present yourself as weak and easily tread upon?

−1

Peace_Love_Bridges23 t1_j29atqw wrote

Kick 'em in the nutsack or smack' em in the pussy. I don't discriminate.

−1

Frustakory t1_j29u7gg wrote

Listen, I know you want some advice but given that we were provided little to no context of your situation there's no way you can get a meaningful advice that will help you.

−1

Seaguard5 t1_j2axdsj wrote

I see responses here telling you to drop them.

This can be a red flag to new potential friends that you have no friends if you do that immediately.

It isn’t to me because I was in the same situation and I haven’t had almost any friends for years now. It’s tough to find new friends (especially ones that truly care and show it).

Best I can tell you is drop them if you are prepared to deal with their loss in the future (seeming/being lonely and possibly even depression). After all, it is not good for man to be alone.

−1