THREE middle aged spouses of friends passed unexpectedly in the last 2 years (2 accidents, 1 heart attack). I can't imagine trying to navigate all that is necessary when you are so crushed by sudden grief that you can't even eat or sleep. What are some (non-coping/self-care) tips to make this time easier? One was told by a funeral director to order 10 death certificates right away. Sounds like a good funeral director is a valuable resource.

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keepthetips t1_iug6pt1 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 1:56 AM

#366,254

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Em_Adespoton t1_iug7qoc wrote on October 31, 2022 at 2:04 AM

#366,535

The biggest thing is: get your wills done by a lawyer before you need them.

The “by a lawyer” bit is important, because depending on how things are worded, stuff might happen quickly and automatically once the executor kicks off the process, or it could get tied up in government paperwork indefinitely, with the government taking a large cut to sort things out.

The will doesn’t have to be complicated, but it should be done by a lawyer, notarized, and officially filed. This means that presentation of a death certificate to the filing office will automate the legal changes of ownership.

Think of the accounts that only you or your spouse has signing authority over. If one of you dies, what happens? Same for joint accounts.

But it all starts with the death certificates. Striking up a relationship with a funeral director or religious director beforehand is also a good idea.

Temporary_Linguist t1_iugaoa6 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 2:27 AM

#367,304

Pre-plan, and pre-pay, your funeral.

You don't want your loved ones having to choose cremation versus burial, buy a urn, or coffin and plot, and all that a funeral entails while they are grieving.

AWatsWats t1_iugbxbm wrote on October 31, 2022 at 2:37 AM

#367,697

Know where everyone's will is located. Know what their wishes are beforehand (cremation, funeral, burial, etc). If they have a DNR, keep it somewhere readily available incase you need it. If you can't find it, it doesn't exist.

If you're getting a headstone in spring, be prepared to wait. It's a busy time of the year for that industry.

Saving money after a loved ones death doesn't mean you loved them less. Death is expensive, save where you can. For example, don't buy an urn from the funeral home, they're 10x the cost.

amberwench t1_iugg779 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 3:13 AM

#368,899

SO MUCH of the stuff/services they'll try to sell you at a funeral home is optional! If it doesn't comfort the living or wasn't a request of the deceased, you can skip it without guilt.

Collect all the mail, and read every bit of it. Go through wallets/purses and check for credit cards or accounts. You'll need to start the process to take ownership of them as soon as you have a death certificate. Some credit cards have life insurance, call every one and ask what, specifically, that company wants you to do to close the account and if they offer any benefits.

When a company asks for a copy of the death certificate, ask them if a regular copy will do, or does it need to be a certified copy? Certified copies are a lot more expensive! I think I ordered 8 for my mom and used every one.

Have written instructions/ a will/ acting power of attorney/ whatever suits the family's needs made in advance, or at least have a clearly written and agreed upon designated person for making choices. Yeah, it's uncomfortable to talk about, but if you love your pets/kids/house you'll want a say to prevent them from going to the pound/the aunt you hate/someone other than your wishes. When my dad died in a accident in '92 his brothers took his assets (truck, guns and bows, work equipment) leaving my mom and us 3 kids to pay for everything. When my mom died suddenly in 2008 my estranged stepfather got all the assets because they were still married and it was a 'spouse gets everything' state. In both cases just a paragraph written and signed with witnesses would have given us one leg to stand on!

Billy0598 t1_iughwck wrote on October 31, 2022 at 3:28 AM

#369,375

Don't pay anything right away with the spouses name on it. Call the bill immediately and tell them to send final bill to the estate of, care of...

Self care stuff? Deal with one thing at a time. One goal, one step.

moons_of_neptarine OP t1_iugo9at wrote on October 31, 2022 at 4:33 AM

#371,210

Replying to Billy0598 (#369,375)

what is the importance of it being sent "to the estate of"?

moons_of_neptarine OP t1_iugovep wrote on October 31, 2022 at 4:40 AM

#371,390

Replying to amberwench (#368,899)

Right! keep beneficiaries, like from work stuff, updated, too. The financial person in the office was good enough to remind me. Otherwise, if I'd gotten hit by a bus my ex would've gotten $.

moons_of_neptarine OP t1_iuh29ct wrote on October 31, 2022 at 7:49 AM

#374,611

Replying to Temporary_Linguist (#367,304)

I just found out End of Life Expense Insurance is a thing!

PieSecret9174 t1_iuignl9 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 4:05 PM

#388,667

Don't make big decisions regarding your life or large purchases after your loved one passes, for a year, give yourself time to grieve and really think about what you want. Your brain isn't thinking clearly, and you can be unduly influenced.

Go to a weekly grief group meeting, they can be really comforting!

Mental_Bookkeeper658 t1_iuiwn0g wrote on October 31, 2022 at 5:51 PM

#393,850

My friend’s younger brother passed away about 2 years ago. Adult, but still relatively young. Anyway, what struck me was that his family basically had a plan for who contacts who. Probably pretty useful in case of a medical emergency as well “Brian is in the hospital and might not make it” scenario. So the parents and kids called a couple people in the family and basically directed those people to let further flung relatives know, so they could use the time to concentrate on more immediate things.

Billy0598 t1_iuj5ovu wrote on October 31, 2022 at 6:51 PM

#396,774

Replying to moons_of_neptarine (#371,210)

I did it so that I knew it was a final bill. That I'd called that place and had made a note of if they wanted a death certificate.

For people that had insurance or a Will, it would be the top of the file that went to a lawyer, but I ended up not needing to do that part.