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mercurysnowman OP t1_iu8z1v0 wrote

Reply to comment by quazatron48k in LPT Request: how to deal with an emotionally draining friend I have to see on a daily basis by mercurysnowman

they are draining because they always want to talk about whatever drama is going on in their life, and they don't give two shits about me or my life. im just someone they use and use.

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WickerBag t1_iu96wiv wrote

Here is what I did to someone like that. No guarantee that it will work for you.

When they start whining about their life, nod understandingly and ask "so what are you going to do about it?"

When they complain that they just need someone to vent to, frown disapprovingly and insist that they need to solve this problem. "Did you try this?" "Why did you do this?" "You should do this."

In short, stop being someone comfortable to talk to.

Now, i give this advice because you said that cutting them off was not on the table. Because today, I would just tell them to leave me tf alone with their whining and go about my own business. But I'm a cranky grown-ass woman now.

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mercurysnowman OP t1_iu97yy3 wrote

this is an excellent strategy! and once I'm out of uni and have my own place and job I'm also going to become that cranky grown-ass woman. thank you.

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mosquito_motel t1_iu9gn9r wrote

This is a universal struggle. Sometimes it can help to point out that "venting" is more like "whining without solutions" and no one wants to be whined to, so keep directing them into "problem-solving". Stay strong!

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[deleted] t1_iu9uwld wrote

Alfred Adler used to say that to his patients, when someone is saying poor me, or they’re bad he’d just ask: what are you going to do about it? It’s the perfect way to answer because it snaps them out of it.

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Hole-In-Six t1_iuboo82 wrote

That sounds like a real bad therapist. Imagine telling your cardiologist that your heart feels week and he says “sucks to be you“.

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rampartsblueglare t1_iubpzip wrote

Was in this situation last year and one day I asked the lady where our 3rd coworker was, always late 5 minutes before start. She told me that lady had kids and had to get them to school. And I said hmm thats convenient me too. So I began coming 5 minutes late like lady #3 and the complainer had to go talk to someone else in the building and not me. Stopped working for free and stopped listening to mayhem. I'd avoid energy vampires if at all possible

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BAT123456789 t1_iub1zh7 wrote

The strategy I find works well, primarily with men, is to reply, "Aw, does your pussy hurt? Does it?" Either they laugh or they shut up. Either way, they don't burden you again.

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surlygrrl42 t1_iua44pa wrote

This. My sister is an energy vampire and she gets all flummoxed and frustrated when you ask how she’s gonna address a problem directly (usually one that can be solved easily but she just likes to piss and moan about it.) Otherwise, she’ll go on ad nauseum about how she’s a victim. She’s not really looking to solve her problems; she’s looking for validation that the world is full of meanies and that she’s always being targeted by them.

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TruckTires t1_iu9g7ra wrote

Ooo I like this part: "stop being someone comfortable to talk to".

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bigredplastictuba t1_iu9mmsz wrote

Omgv though have you seen all the shares and memes going around that are like, shaming that approach? I constantly find myself in ops position, luckily pandemic allowed me to wean all these emotionally needy people out of my life, but they were constantly posting these cutesy things like "hi! Sometimes people just need to vent! DO NOT offer advice! It's not about you lol! Just shut up and listen - hair toss-" and I'm reading them sitting in my room shaking looking at my unread messenger notifications dreading people going "hi! So you have time to talk? Ok so bla bla AHEM PLEASE I DON'T NEED ADVICE I NEED A GOOD FRIEND TO LISTEN" sorry Jesus that shit was like TRAUMATIZING to me. I now deliberately only have like 1.5 friends. I wanted to tell them "hey if you just need someone to listen why don't you whisper your problems into a bottle and throw it into the ocean or something, this feels emotionally abusive to me"

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WickerBag t1_iu9svbj wrote

I agree and disagree. I think the main point is, is the person who needs to vent your friend or not?

My friends can vent, whine and use me as an unpaid therapist any day. They have earned that right. But I have a well-curated, very short list of friends who can rely on me as much as I can rely on them. They care about me. They listen to my problems. We support each other.

With acquainces or friends-of-friends, it depends on how much I like them, but I will usually indulge them, say, the first one or two times. But after that I establish boundaries.

With a person like OP described, though, I would be very short. I have no patience for emotional leeches.

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AKAstumblelina t1_iua54tt wrote

>why don’t you whisper your problems into a bottle and throw it into the ocean or something

howling!!! thank you, I needed that laugh!

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bigredplastictuba t1_iuags1l wrote

Honestly I'm surrounded by the "witchy" community here so I've found ways to frame healthy personal advice as "spells" like this and getting my old roommates to actually clean up after themselves and stuff. "Oh you are trying to get a new job? You should like... sweep away all your bad luck... by sweeping the floors, and then get some really hot water and put some uh... mint and basil... and orange... and... some soap in it... and magically wash the floors with it while you visualize your goals" or "i find being late on rent generates really powerful negative energy that luckily is really easy to dissipate!"

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CloudedEyeCat t1_iuandou wrote

I also want to thank you for this advice. I once found that a friend wanted to vent, and I wanted solutions, so I corrected myself and later asked if they want solutions or vent. But I didn’t realize I could proactively use a solution-minded approach to get them to stop whining to me.

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WickerBag t1_iub5nfm wrote

I'm glad you find this advice helpful. :)

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Zesilo t1_iuc1lqa wrote

Yeah, your advise is really great for not cutting someone off, but I agree it is way easier to cut ties.

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ToulouseDM t1_iu8zn6b wrote

Sounds like you really know the answer. You’ll run into stuff like this living in the dorms. If you know their schedule, stay at the library and study, change when you eat meals, find other friends (it’s college so that will probably happen naturally). It‘s easy to be around someone draining when new to school, looking for new friends is common, and it takes time to learn who people are. But making a few changes to your schedule can help…it did for me.

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RainbowDonkey473 t1_iu96g2l wrote

What’s preventing you from saying exactly that? Why do you put up with the behaviour? This person finds you because you allow it in your life. Set some boundaries with yourself and with them. Be honest and tell them that their style of friendship weighs on you and it needs to change. If you can’t avoid them, you need them to change their behaviour. Or you need yourself to stop accepting it. But saying nothing about it to them hasn’t work for you so my advice is to discontinue your current strategy.

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Phenotyx t1_iu9c8dv wrote

But not being their friend isn’t an option?

Get used to being used.

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nano_singularity t1_iu9d7oa wrote

Blargh, one of my friends used to be like that. While he was very funny at times and just plain awesome, he never cared to listen about my own issues. I was always there for him but if the roles were reciprocated he would be like, “if you’re going to keep complaining about the same thing, I can’t help you” but like sir, you’re always complaining about the same thing like, huh?!

Eventually he cut ties with me because I left his party early with our other mutual friends and blamed me, not everyone else.

Life is much better and I no longer feel like I have to exert unnecessary energy or feel that pressure to behave a certain type of way just because this person has problems that are out of my control. While I’ve attempted to rekindle our friendship he allowed his ego get to the best of him and refused any sort of friendship, whatever, not my circus, not my problem.

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Daveywheel t1_iuaofuv wrote

Then, why do you care about their feelings? Why do you have put up with this?

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Creepiepie t1_iuam6le wrote

"wow cool, listen, Im not really in the mood for gossip/drama at the moment. Can we talk about Lego star wars?

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Sk1pp1e t1_iu920v0 wrote

Then you need to tell them to STFU. This is on you for not asserting your boundaries. Be abrupt if you have to.

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